Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

Please update us once you've come to a conclusion?
Personally, I think you've been totally and utterly taken advantage of, financially, and by doing ALL the housework and childcare.

Wow

Stay strong op, I admire the strength you've found. Don't be swayed by him or anyone, make sure you and your child are properly taken care for just as he's continued to do for his ex and adult children. I honestly can't believe he's still bankrolling her and buying her groceries

I have a stepdad and my dad has a partner. I don't get sole gifts from either (though my mum only recently married and my stepdad got me a lovely necklace with a very cute message about me being his 'bonus daughter') but I get Christmas gifts from them both together, just as my DH and I gift to our parents from both of us.
They do sound quite rude and entitled and your DH needs to wise up. Is he not putting effort into what to get them because he knows you always get them something good? Also horrible they don't buy you anything for Christmases or birthdays.

In my experience as a family law paralegal, by far and away the mosr common reason for divorces getting nasty over finances is because the weaker financial party doesn't like the idea of working full time and supporting themselves and tries it on. In the old days they had a 50/50 chance of becoming a court sanctioned scrounger, guaranteeing little more than further litigation. Nowadays, there are a few judges out there who can be manipulated but it's much less likely. Still plenty of solicitors happy to take a client's cash to try though!

Message Mumsnet on the site issues thread @Mamana127 I think that’s a wise choice. Best of luck. Harden your heart, don’t be swayed. Set up a new MN identity and come back for more support with a new email address that can’t be traced back to you old one and don’t reference your old user name either. (Also in your new threads, ask other posters not to mention your old username.)

@Mamana127 email mumsnet hq and ask them to delete because you feel it’s likely you will be identified . Best wishes moving forward .

I don’t know how to delete but before you go I just want to wish you the best of luck navigating this. I am sad for you that this has happened but I am so pleased that your eyes have finally been opened to what has been happening. Go get everything you are entitled to for you and your child!!!!!! Best of luck starting a new life without that selfish POS!!!!!

💪🏻

You supported him when he lived with you. You sold your home. You still pay 50/50 and do all the fucking care. He still has “custody” of his wife and terrible daughters who are horrible to your kids, so they can’t be around them. I would start at demanding how much care you provide now - probably 100% because I very much doubt he does any.

This. Many devices save passwords. If he has access to a device that you have used, he may be reading everything you post / email. He may also have access to any documents you save (via cloud storage if you have it).

You need to change every password you have.

Also, I totally agree about screenshots / saving his messages to provide to your solicitor.

Take screenshots of everything - if he’s messaging you on WhatsApp he can otherwise delete them (and with it your evidence!)
Email the screenshots and any other relevant evidence to yourself. Keep them in a separate folder. Might be worth creating a separate email address altogether in case he has access to your current one.

I really feel for you OP and in your shoes I think I’d do the same. At the age your step-kids are at they should buy you something, even a token.

Yup. My husband reckoned that that was how his ex got the location of our honeymoon hotel: his adult son was his Best Man, and he'd told him about the arrangements, resulting in the ex trying to gatecrash our honeymoon.

He probably let it slip.

My late husband was a darling, but when he was in contact with his ex (to organise when we'd be seeing the adult children during one of their visits back home) he'd persist in letting his ex know things that I wish he hadn't.

Example

Ex to me (at dinner, at a point when we were all supposedly being civilised and having a meal with the kids to which the ex was invited):

"I hear ye're getting an implant for yer teeth. Is this you trying to make yourself beautiful?" [I needed an implant to replace a front tooth which was broken in childhool.]

Me: "No - I just want to be able to chew!"

Mind you, it worked both ways...I had to restrain myself from asking whether she was happy with her false teeth.... I didn't succumb to the temptation.

My guess he told them himself about the increase in his wages, he was telling his daughters all the info and they in turn fed it back to their mother.

The ex asking for more afterwards isn't that unusual.

A relative through marriage only lived with her partner rather than getting married because her salary was much bigger than his and might have resulted in the ex being paid more maintenance. (I'm told that the ex was never in paid work, apart from voluntary work.)

They'd intended to marry once the relative took a career break. The partner died suddenly - just as as she went on her career break.

Afterwards, we found out that the ex "kept asking for more money for various things, so [they] always just gave it to her to save trouble". I still can't get my head round that, particularly since the children from the first marriage were parents themselves by then.

The relative and her partner had also paid for various improvements to her MIL's house. Unlike the OP, the relative didn't have the protection of marriage and it turned out that her partner hadn't made a will, so she and her child definitely lost out financially.

I'm pleased that the OP is in a much stronger position.

He has 100% taken you for a Total Mug.

He earns 4x your salary and you're paying 50/50?
He can find the time and money to support his ex wife but not you?
He can find the time and energy to sort groceries/money for his ex wife and kids, but not you?
He can find the time to do what he likes when he likes but you do 100% of the cooking and cleaning? He can't be arsed to lift a finger, even when asked?
He now wants to move in his dad ... presumably so you can look after him, too?

Utter Mug

Stop it right now.

He can send the documents; he doesn't want to. He's just hoping he can bamboozle you when you come back with more promises and words and tears and zero action. Like the entirety of your marriage so far.

Tell your solicitor to proceed with the divorce.

Go after everything you're entitled to.

The only reasons he married you is so that he would not have to live in the same house as a crazy woman, and to have his needs seen to. Apart from that, he is not only still tied to her apron strings, he is still her doormat.

It is totally unfair, he should have discussed things with you and treated you as an equal You sound like such a lovely person who tried so hard to keep everything nice and lovely for everyone else.
If the financial information you were told at the beginning is accurate it sounds like the house is your only real asset, your previous post said that you both sold houses to buy your joint one.
Until you find out exactly what his financial situation is from your solicitor you’re in the dark, so asking what you should try and go for on here won’t be of any help. There may or may not be anything to be entitled some of.
I hope you and your little one had a lovely restful Christmas with your family.

Every post just gets worse and worse.
So so shocking.
I cannot believe how badly you have been financially abused, manipulated, bullied and lied to.

Get every penny you can from that lying fxxker.
Child maintenance, highest percentage from the house, spousel maintenance.
You have been 50/50 to a man who earns 4 times what you do so he can send money to his ex.

Absolutely unbelievable.
I think you were targeted by him.
Read up on Coercive control.
Its a crime.
See if any of it rings a bell with you.
I would be looking at going scorched earth on him.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

No one actually knows how much he’s been transferring over, that’s what the OP needs to clarify.
From what I’ve read they’ve paid 50/50 on their bills etc despite OP earning a lot less (that division should never been agreed on because she has had nothing left to save) .
If the OP agreed the 50/50 split of bills etc then the husband technically can do whatever he wishes with his remaining money, even if he is choosing to be totally ridiculous in bank rolling his former ex.
We’re not talking about a couple that have been together decades, the wife having given up a career to stay at home and then the husband leaving her with nothing, in which case the wife should try and get half of everything because only with her support was able to gain tremendous assets.
We are talking about a couple who have been together for 10 years, he sounds like he had more assets/higher earnings when they met, for whatever reason the 50/50 of bills was agreed upon and not altered after the birth of their child.
He has probably been working for 20 something years before he met OP which is why I said if it was me I wouldn’t go after things I wasn’t even in the picture for.