How to keep everyone happy on Xmas day?

Be very clear, you will be in your own home on Xmas day. They are welcome to come for lunch. It’s easier with your daughter. Don’t explain beyond this. If you are a single parent to 2 young kids, one with additional needs, I imagine life is fairly busy anyway. You don’t need more stress at Xmas

You don’t feel guilty

your parents can come to you, you simply send them both a message saying you have been thinking, and this year moving forwards you will be staying at home with the kids and they are more than welcome to come on xxxx.

and then let them decide

Do not feel guilty. Your DP's still see you!
Do not tie yourself in knots trying to please everyone.
Your DC are your priority.
You deserve to enjoy Christmas too. It's very hard work for you as it is.
We always visited my DP's on Boxing day and my DS's looked forward to " another Christmas" with them.
Your DF could come to you if he was that bothered.

It seems perfectly fair to me. If they want to see you, they can travel.

I think that once you have children Christmas is your family time. You have to do what suits you and them. Your parents need to accept that your life has changed.
This year one of my friends declined Christmas dinner in her mother's house. She is married with kid's. She wanted a day that suited her and her family and not her mother.
She asked her mother to Xmas dinner and she said no.
My friend has had a tough year and rather than giving her some help her mother has complained any time she is asked to babysit. She never offers to help out despite knowing her daughter needs a few child free hours to do things. Along with this she has made some nasty or smart comments to my friend.
My friend has had enough of her mother's behaviour. She has begun to step back and now says no to her mother.

'They are welcome to visit - most don’t which is ironic since they tried the guilt tripping “family have to be together at Christmas” when we said we’d be bowing out 🙄'

I think a lot of the guilt tripping about family and Christmas just means 'I want things the way I want them and everyone must do what they're told coz that makes me feel good'

OP, it's absolutely reasonable to want a quiet day for you and your children, and to have a drink or two with your Christmas lunch. Stick to your guns, and give up trying to make people happy. It's a fool's game

DP who lives 40 mins away could easily come on Christmas morning. Most dogs can be left alone for 4-5 hrs occasionally, so they could have a lovely morning with you.
If this DP gets arsey with you, just keep repeating the invite "You are very welcome to come on Christmas morning and watch the DC open their presents and enjoy smoked salmon and croissants."

This
As pp said once you've had kid's Christmas Day is a relaxed day playing with presents / eating/ drinking

Tell everyone that this year you are celebrating ALL of the 12 days of Christmas so which one would they like? Christmas Day is for you, at yours, with the kids, no one else invited!

You prioritise you and your children first. Make your plans around that and them and your tell parents that they are invited (or not) as the case maybe. You say both parents are single but that isn't your problem - you invite both and if they join you - they leave their issues at the front door on the way in and pick them up on their way out. Tell them you are planning on having a drink or two so driving is not an option under any circumstances until at least Boxing Day. Don't be guilt tripped by anyone - their circumstances were created by them not you!

Couldn't you go for breakfast every other year and have a late lunch/ dinner at other parent. Seems unfair to refuse to visit due to geography ever

I agree, prioritise the children here.

After the last Christmas we spent travelling pretty much the length of NZ, only to be pretty much taken for granted by family once we were there to make up the numbers and do the donkey work, with two over tired and overwrought little ones, we put the kaibosh on ever doing that again. (I got a speeding ticket on the way home, the copper was very sympathetic when he found out the story, lol). After that, I said that we were staying home and doing Christmas our way, and anyone who wished to join us was welcome.

There were dark mutterings, but these were ignored.

They were given the choice and the power to spend Christmas with us, and the responsibility for making it happen if they wished to do so.

After that, my daughters loved our relaxed Christmases at home, loved sharing it with family if they came, and not if they didn't, and we all lived happily ever after(ish). . .

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

These resources might help with managing your dd's behaviour over Christmas

You tell them you’re not prioritising alcohol over them, you’re prioritising your child. Do what’s best for them. Since having our DS2 we’ve spent every Christmas at home. He is autistic and struggles to cope with too much excitement and shuttling about to crowded and chaotic family gatherings, so we don’t do it. Yes family have been upset, critical, whatever, but I will always put his needs above adults in the family who simply want things their own way. They are welcome to visit - most don’t which is ironic since they tried the guilt tripping “family have to be together at Christmas” when we said we’d be bowing out 🙄. I’m not having DS2 so overwrought he has a meltdown over someone else’s idea of what Christmas should be.

Can you meet your cousin for a catch up over the christmas period for example on Boxing day or a few days afterwards? A nice festive walk and a hot chocolate afterwards?

At least you all get out of the house and get some fresh air. You can tell whichever Parent your cousin is related to that you're meeting her for a walk and that they're welcome to join you.

Meet people on your terms only.

How do you keep everyone happy at Christmas?

I don't. I recognise that other adults are responsible for their own happiness and I concentrate on making it magical for my children.

The key point for me is that you've invited the other parent to yours and they won't come, preferring to make some silly point about where you see each of them, so I agree with PPs that you've done what you can and should prioritise the DCs by staying nearer home

Having your own children is the time for new traditions to be built anyway, and if they can't grasp this - or don't want to - I'd forget about "keeping everyone happy" which isn't your job anyway

So your parent that lives 40 minutes away is not happy unless they get their own way 🤔 otherwise they get upset. This is emotional blackmail.

You either upset your parent or your child.
Adults have choices,kids don’t.

Don’t try to placate your parent upsetting your kids in the process. Spend the Christmas the way you and your kids want.

Parent has a choice to come to you. They choose to stay at their home placing the demands on you instead.

It’s lovely to sit down on your bum in your own home instead of doing all the running. Don’t do the running if you and your kids don’t want to.

Guilt is the most pointless emotion.

You are prioritising your DC and you do not have to feel bad about that.

The fact the parent can't see that says a lot about them.

You can’t, and it’s not your job to make everyone happy. Focus on you and your DC and do what works for you all. You don’t need to martyr yourself driving here and there - personally I start the day with Prosecco so any hint of driving just isn’t going to happen. I’m not prioritising alcohol, I’m celebrating and a glass of fizz is part of that.

You can’t so focus on you and your kids happiness.

Could the further away parent come to you Christmas Eve and stay over? Then they go home later Christmas Day and you go over to the nearer parent?
Then you get to see both parents (presume you want to!) and you also have some help with the kids too.

You can't, so stop trying.

Stay home and let people come to you.