Just found out I’m pregnant and shocked at how I’m feeling

I'm sure it's normal to worry, I have a 4 month old and I think it takes a very brave woman to get pregnant again! You know what you're getting yourself into this time around!

I think it is normal to feel a bit shocked and worried, no matter if a baby was planned. I am newly pregnant too, had been trying. But when we got that positive, we were like OK, this is happening! How will we cope with 2?
I found my son much easier from 2 and a half. I felt from then I could have coped with another. Your daughter will be changing a lot in the months before baby makes an appearance.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

I think the key to valuing the second child is to know that that second child will be there for your first in situations where you can't be, like in school, and after you are gone. I have one child and he has had a lonely upbrining because he struggles in social situations. After I am gone, he won't have family left as he has no cousins. If you can think of the second child as a new rock of solidity for your first child, who will keep going long after you are gone, then I think you will feel a bit better, I hope.

Congratulations. I think it's okay to feel sad and to grieve as well for that closeness. I hope you feel better soon.

I think it’s completely normal to feel like this! I have 4 years between my first two and our 2nd was long-hoped for but I still felt a pang at losing the special one on one time with our oldest and sad that she would lose having me to herself. I have 2 years between my 2nd and 3rd and felt sad for my now middle child to no longer be the baby! I think when you just have 1 it’s hard to imagine loving anyone else the way you do you first baby, but you do! Your heart just grows and your family will change and adapt. 9 months is also a long time in your DD’s life and she’ll have changed a lot by then too. However long or little you wait, there will be easy and difficult things and stages but it will all work out in the end!

Don't forget your little one will be nine months older by the time this baby is born so everything will be completely different.

You are describing the feeling most women have once they get the positive test for the second. The theory of wanting another is one thing, the actually reality once it happens is completely different! You would have felt the same even if you had all the ducks lined up. I know I was thrilled but the daunting reality of doing the baby stage again set in and honestly the whole way through being pregnant we looked at our eldest and wondered if we had done the right thing!

The only thing I can say is when you have older teenagers stomping around the house, grunting and eating all your food and then arguing about whose turn it is to feed the cats you realise all these worries were all for nothing

I think this is very normal with a second child - whether planned or unplanned. You most probably would have still felt the same in five months time! I think it’s partly knowing what you’re letting yourself in for and partly the guilt around your first no longer being an only child. It sounds like you were both clear on wanting a second so I wouldn’t worry, you’ve got a long time to get your head around it.

It's completely normal to grieve the ending of having one child. They can't know all the pleasure that a sibling will probably bring and it doesn't sound like your brain is giving you a chance to do so either. Don't place expectations on yourself about what you ought to feel. You feel what to feel. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. Feeling like your fantasies of a perfect motherhood must come to pass can be so harmful for your health and by extension your children. You will have this baby. Sooner or later you will bond with this child. You will see your children enjoying each other.

I felt betrayed and unwanted for years after the birth of my younger sister, but now our parents are in their 80s and my father has dementia, I wouldn't want to be without a sibling.

Some of these replies are a bit weird.

This is so normal! I think with your first it feels like being handed a gift of uncomplicated joy. With a second, you have a whole other dependent person to factor in.

Takes a while to get your head around but guess what - you've got the best part of a year!

Your first will be a completely different child by then, you won't be able to imagine it just now but she will.

And the second baby brings their own love when they arrive.

It'll all be beautiful. Chill. 🙂🙂

I got pregnant when my first was 17 months, we had wanted it closer so it was very much wanted but I still felt guilty most of the pregnancy especially when I couldn't do as much with him as a I previously had. I think it's natural as friends had similar experiences.

A friend told me that they change so much at this age which helped and it was true. My boy was a completely different child by the time my little girl arrived and it's only now 3 months in the guilt has eased off but I'm so grateful and so lucky to have the two. It's tough at times but it's a completely different experience and when he kisses her on the head and his face lights up when he sees her wake up I know it's good. He's the only one that has made her properly giggle so far. I'm sure there will be challenges ahead but I've been where you are and I'm so glad I had my little girl.

Your current DC will be in a completely different place when baby is born. Also when I took him to see other newborns he was a bit jealous and upset but with her he just seemed to know that she was his, so try not to worry if she gets funny when you are around other new babies. Good luck.

These feelings are normal.
Anything that comes as a surprise (especially one that is life changing) is going to give you a mixture of emotions.

Do you know how far along you are?
I would take a few days to digest the news and talk it through with your DP.

If the timing isn’t right then wait a bit longer and TTC at a better time for you.

I do think if you were planning to have a second child anyway then you might as well continue with this pregnancy but only you know if it’s not the right time.

Your DD could become easier or more difficult and it’s difficult to plan on having a baby around your other child because you don’t know what phase they will be in by the time the baby comes.

When weighing up the pros and cons I wouldn’t be worrying too much about DD as she will adjust.

I remember feeling pangs of guilt when I was expecting my second as I had such a close bond with my first. The worry was all for nothing though. My eldest was two years old when his brother was born and they’ve been great friends ever since (20s now). I had enough love for them both and having two instead of one became very normal almost immediately.

This.

And putting it another way that another 1/3 of her life you've not test experienced!

Think of how far she's come in those 2 x 9 month periods and you'll better envisage how much further she will have grown up.

But any feelings are valid if you feel them. It's how you process and manage them that matters.

After years and years of infertility I had given up and started accepting that we would never be parents. And then somehow I naturally fell pregnant. Then i spent quite a few weeks worrying that I wasn't cut out to be a mother. I kept thinking about the child free life we were giving up, all the holidays and an early retirement. I think it just takes time to get used to a change in plans.

Hi OP. I'm currently pregnant having conceived when DS was 19 months. I think what you're feeling is normal. This pregnancy was very much planned but I still felt a bit numb with disbelief, a bit of panic and the guilt. Definitely not the same excitement as first time round (which I also have guilt about). There are quite a few threads on this if you have a look so you're not alone.

We made the decision because we wanted DS to have a sibling close in age. My sister and I are 10 months apart (what was my mum thinking?!) but we grew up together, liking the same things, doing things at similar stages and we're honestly the best of friends. I know you can't guarantee they will be best friends as adults but I think you're giving your daughter something lovely and you'll love watching them grow together.

Totally normal. I felt the same. My dd was 13 months when I got pregnant with dd2, I thought I wouldn’t be able to love them as much - I was wrong obviously. I have 3 now, 7, 5 & 3. None of them are worse off for the others existence, you just prioritise who needs you more depending on the day/time.

I felt like this too. The second baby was much wanted but my first was only 14 months when I got pregnant and I felt worried and guilty the whole pregnancy especially when my milk
started drying up!

2nd baby is a year now and they really do love each other and have started playing so nicely, it’s definitely all worth it! Once they were born a lot of my concerns fell away. There will be times in the early days you feel torn between them and have a cry but we tried to have some 1:1 dates with our first so they still felt special. It’s never quite the same again with your first but you’re (hopefully) giving them a friend for life ❤️

I’ve small age gaps (currently 4, 3 and 1 - with 16 months between the older two) and while I understand the guilt, I’ve never seen it as “taking time away”. Instead, it’s mean more maternity leaves, so I’ve been able to spend more time at home with them in their early years. Yes they bicker; but they also seek each other out to play. I love the love they have for each other.

None of us can tell you how to feel, but I wanted to share as I wonder if some of what your feeling is also apprehension re the pregnancy itself? I HATE being pregnant, it’s not easy (and certainly not with older children to balance). I love my kids but even though they were very wanted - I don’t think I ever felt the same “excitement” as I did with my first pregnancy. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well at all but I’m trying to say that I felt a level of apprehension with each subsequent pregnancy that I think was normal!! (But I felt guilty for as we’re often told being pregnant is “wonderful, magical/congratulations etc”). Don’t get me wrong I knew how lucky I was - but the big emotions were more mixed: joy and fear, excitement and apprehension. Based on what I knew the next few months (and years) would look like.

Everybody feels this. It's a weird aspect of motherhood. I sat up wide awake the night my second child was born worrying about my first child. Do you know what said first child said the second they woke up?

"Let's go see the baby"

The natural order of things is that this wee baby who's just made themselves known to you is going to be there for your oldest child long after you and your dh are dead and gone. A sibling is a great, great gift. People concentrate on how babies and children feel about it but it's actually about the adults they will become. 2.5 years is a great age gap. Congratulations.

Congratulations!
Your reaction is a normal reaction to have, even when we want and/or plan big life changes, it can be unsettling and there's a period of adjustment emotionally (same applies to starting a new job, moving house, etc).
It will all be fine. Sit with the feelings for a bit and allow them to process.
The happy feelings will come for this baby that is wanted, and will be loved.

We started trying at 12m for our 2nd, thinking it might take a while, and got pregnant straight after coming off the pill (19m between them). I wasn't exactly excited the whole pregnancy and anxious about what 2 would be like. You love them and it's just becomes how your family is. My 2 (currently 2 and 4) fight a lot but also clearly adore each other.

I have two DDs with a similar age gap. Now aged two and four and mostly the best of friends.

Our second was very much wanted and I was happy when I found out I was pregnant the second time, so I didn’t have the same experience that you’re having now. However I do recognise some of the guilt you’re feeling and the worries you’re having as I had all of these through the pregnancy and especially once DD2 arrived.

Firstly, you do still have time just you and her, before the baby arrives. Your DD will be so much bigger once the baby arrives. Nine months is a huge amount of time in terms of her development. She will be talking and she will be able to understand much more. When we brought DD2 home, DD1 knew her name and was so excited to meet her and give her cuddles. It was absolutely magical. They are also close enough in age to enjoy a lot of the same things. I’m actually really glad we don’t have a bigger age gap, in that sense.

Secondly, your feelings are normal to have, and I relate to all the worry about your DD, and the impact of a sibling on her. I also worried about my DD2, and how she always had to share me and so often had to wait. I didn’t have all the time in the world for her, like I did with my first. You probably have all those worries yet to come.

However, worries and feelings aren’t facts. Fixating on them doesn’t make them true. You’re worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, and will be normal to them. They won’t know any different and they will still be happy and loved.

You’re also focusing on the (potential) negatives of having a sibling, and not the immense positives - even when it comes to having to share you. Not having your undivided attention all the time can be a good thing for children; it can build their tolerance, resilience, empathy, and patience. I personally feel that both my DC have benefitted so much from having the other one, and that DD1 is more well rounded because of DD2.

I honestly think you just can’t win as a mum! Your brain will find ways to make you feel awful, no matter what you do. Especially when it comes to your children. It might be that you just have to accept this is where you are right now, and know that you won’t feel this way forever. Really wishing you luck for your pregnancy.