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Original poster

Ex partner didn't show to see child

30 replies

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:13

Me and my ex partner have been separated 6 months now. We have a young child (15mo) and I am pregnant with his 2nd child. We found out about the pregnancy a few weeks after we decided to seperate and agreed getting back together for the sake of having a child was never going to fix things.

We've always had a really amicable break up (of course disagreements here and there) but we've worked much better not together.

I moved out and managed to get my own place, and I let him visit every weekend to see the child. We are not yet in a place where he can have the child by himself (he has been known to drink heavily/be hungover/irresponsible - along with multiple driving bans for drink driving and as of recently a speeding ticket so our child is not allowed in his car or in his care alone) - PLEASE NOTE THIS WAS A JOINT DECISION FROM BOTH OF US WHICH HE HAS NEVER CHALLENGED).

We are also in the process of mediation to ensure we have an agreement in place for him to see his child regularly and build a relationship where hopefully in the future he can have the child(ren) solo.

We had arranged for him to come and visit his daughter Saturday and he was due to arrive at mine around 12/1pm. After several phone calls (around 9 in total) and me contacting his family to ask his whereabouts - he contacted me to say he had been out drinking Friday evening, had overslept and was hungover therefore was never going to make our agreed time.

He asked if he could come later in the afternoon, however I declined this as I did not feel it was fair to just turn up when he wanted after being hungover and unreliable.

My question is - if we had an agreement in place via mediation or even a court order, and he didn't turn up because he was hungover, where would I/he stand?

Of course my daughter isn't old enough to understand, but in a few years when she does, I don't think it's fair that I will have to explain to her 'oh sorry daddy hasn't turned up because I can't get hold of him'.

Please note - he often does this where he goes out and becomes unreachable, turns his phone off, disappears for anything from 12-48 hours. I understand we are not together so what he does in his own personal time is not my business, however doing this when we had a private arrangement in place I do not think is fair.

Please let me know any thoughts/opinions.

Right now I am extremely angry and disappointed, and have advised that we wait for things to go through mediation/court so everything is done via the correct channels. This of course means he won't see his child for quite some time.

OP posts:
BrooookeDavis · 15/12/2024 07:45

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:40

Agreed on the boundaries. Just hard to put these in place when I've been so flexible.

Thanks for your reply! X

Show quote history

Unfortunately I don't think a court order will do what you want it to do, which is make him step up. What the order will do is put all of the onus on you to make the children available for contact. He doesn't actually have to turn up. Mediation would be a good idea in the hope he'll buy into the arrangement.

What you could do however at court if it gets there is ask for it to be a condition of contact that he hasn't been drinking. That will give you a bit more protection if things turn nasty - and if he's on his own drinking more then that's something you need to plan for.

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:40

unicornsarereal72 · 15/12/2024 07:37

I had one of these. You need boundaries. Agree days and times. If they can't make it they wait u til the next weekend. If they can't make your children a priority then that is on them. My ex dropped out of the childrens lives pretty quickly. And was hit a miss for a while. Now several years later he has started to be a bit more consistent. Time will tell of its a permanent change

Agreed on the boundaries. Just hard to put these in place when I've been so flexible.

Thanks for your reply! X

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 15/12/2024 07:37

I had one of these. You need boundaries. Agree days and times. If they can't make it they wait u til the next weekend. If they can't make your children a priority then that is on them. My ex dropped out of the childrens lives pretty quickly. And was hit a miss for a while. Now several years later he has started to be a bit more consistent. Time will tell of its a permanent change

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:25

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 07:19

He has a time slot if he misses that time slot he misses out. It could probably be written into the mediation plan that there should be some flexibility for eg traffic/genuine emergencies as it's in your child's interest to still let him see them if he's 15 minutes late.

Being hungover would not be an excuse. You can't MAKE him turn up to contact. Say he was only turning up to 1 a month you could then use that should it go to court and he tries to argue for more contact or overnights and you didn't want that.

Agreed regarding travel/traffic etc. I've always been really lenient with what times he sees his child on the weekend due to work commitments.

I did offer he see her during the week which he declined, so weekends I let him come and go as he pleases.

However, not turning up because he didn't set an alarm and was hungover I don't think is acceptable.

Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 07:19

He has a time slot if he misses that time slot he misses out. It could probably be written into the mediation plan that there should be some flexibility for eg traffic/genuine emergencies as it's in your child's interest to still let him see them if he's 15 minutes late.

Being hungover would not be an excuse. You can't MAKE him turn up to contact. Say he was only turning up to 1 a month you could then use that should it go to court and he tries to argue for more contact or overnights and you didn't want that.