Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is it with people being so dismissive ?

137 replies

twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:07

I was seeing some family the other day and they asked me how a new job was going. I mentioned a lot of positives and then also some negatives, in particular that someone had said some things to me and I was a bit worried as a result about the company culture and whether I was going to fit into it as a working parent. The thread isn't about what was said, it's about the reaction of the person I was speaking to..

The person was at first very reluctant to even actually respond and then they said ' oh I'm sure that person didn't mean it. Oh I'm sure they say that to everyone.' It really wasn't a situation where I misunderstood something. I felt totally dismissed. I would literally NEVER respond like this to anyone. Even if I disagreed, I would still say something like ' oh that sounds difficult. I understand how that wasn't a helpful thing for that person to say. Do you think there's any chance they're just a bit clueless? '. Or something along those lines, to not entirely dismiss that person's concerns.

I've noticed this kind of thing has happened a few times and it always makes me feel rubbish. And no before you come for me, I'm not always sitting around complaining any more than anyone else in the extended family.

Often this has happened with younger family members, could it be an age thing ? Occasionally my MIL also does it to me. I never open up and tell her anything anymore because she always dismissed my feelings immediately anyway.

But the thing I told the other member of the family the other day would have been something MIL would have totally agreed with me with. She wouldn't have brushed it off like that at all. The thing I was concerned about came from the most senior person in my office and not from some random. It's definitely not ideal.

I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills. Or they just think I'm a whiney idiot. I promise you that I do not complain about things any more than any other person in the family whatsoever. I'm just talking about my life and experiences.

OP posts:
n3f5 · 15/12/2024 07:21

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:19

Sounds like you are overthinking every conversation a lot. Most people don’t want to hear work drama when making small talk

Nothing more boring than someone else's work drama

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 07:19

Plastictrees · 15/12/2024 07:15

I hear where you’re coming from OP and I agree with you. Some people are dismissive and it is a combo of toxic positivity and poor social skills, with emotional avoidance thrown in. It is especially damaging to grow up with parents with these traits, as chronic invalidation can lead to all sorts of poor mental health.

I tend to recognise people like this quickly now, and not tell them anything that requires an empathic response. I think a lot of people are fearful of strong emotions in others and are uncomfortable hearing about adverse or unpleasant experiences as they are unable to just ‘sit’ with the discomfort it creates. Instead they want to either problem solve it (in an overly simplistic way) or dismiss / minimise it and move on. This is not personal to the person who is sharing, but unhelpful nonetheless.

You are also right that it’s poor form to critique someone’s experiences when they are expressing their feelings. This thread is really bringing out those with low EQ’s!

This is so true!!

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 15/12/2024 07:19

Eenameenadeeka · 15/12/2024 06:23

I think they are trying to be reassuring, but I agree it's dismissive when you are trying to be heard.

This! In lack of advice or just being able to listen empathetically they minimize thinking it's helpful (so that you minimise as well). If you look upon it as their shortcomings rather than a personal slight I think you'll feel better about it.

Plastictrees · 15/12/2024 07:15

I hear where you’re coming from OP and I agree with you. Some people are dismissive and it is a combo of toxic positivity and poor social skills, with emotional avoidance thrown in. It is especially damaging to grow up with parents with these traits, as chronic invalidation can lead to all sorts of poor mental health.

I tend to recognise people like this quickly now, and not tell them anything that requires an empathic response. I think a lot of people are fearful of strong emotions in others and are uncomfortable hearing about adverse or unpleasant experiences as they are unable to just ‘sit’ with the discomfort it creates. Instead they want to either problem solve it (in an overly simplistic way) or dismiss / minimise it and move on. This is not personal to the person who is sharing, but unhelpful nonetheless.

You are also right that it’s poor form to critique someone’s experiences when they are expressing their feelings. This thread is really bringing out those with low EQ’s!

Lifestooshort71 · 15/12/2024 07:14

They could have been just pointing out that this work colleague wasn't making a personal attack on you, or they could have been letting you know that a superficial chat about your job was OK but no need to go into the day-to-day crap. Whatever the reason, their type of comment is made regularly in conversations, usually with a view to cheering the listener up, but this doesn't work for you, obviously, and I agree with pp that your reaction makes you sound a bit hard work or even over sensitive/critical?

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 07:06

SeanMean · 15/12/2024 06:50

You sound like you are quite hard work OP!

Yes this

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/12/2024 06:57

Toxic positivity is a great phrase!!
This really fucks me off too. My DM would do this and I wanted to scream,’I don’t want a solution, just show EMPATHY’!!

Follow your comment with a question if you want validation, ‘bla bla bla, would you find this annoying’. Or just avoid this type of convo with them. I wonder if they are terrified of older people who tell the truth in a direct way. As everyone has to #bekind at all times or be slaughtered on social media.

Toxic positivity though, yes!

lionloaf · 15/12/2024 06:52

Also not to state the obvious but just because someone is a family member, it doesn’t mean they’re actually your friend. Maybe they just aren’t interested.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 15/12/2024 06:50

twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:45

You literally have nothing to base these assumptions on about me.

Show quote history

I wasn't making assumptions about you. What I said was that I suspected your relative was fed up with this general narrative, and that you having your moan just added to that view.
Perhaps they were just disappointed that you were moaning about it to a non-interested party, rather than dealing with it

SeanMean · 15/12/2024 06:50

You sound like you are quite hard work OP!

lionloaf · 15/12/2024 06:49

I would say it’s most likely a case of “I don’t want to get into this” so they just brush it off and sweep along. I think you need to choose who you’re complaining to more carefully.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:47

@Apolloneuro well I don't know how they react towards others. My husband also finds this particular relative cold and lacking in effort in general.

But we are quite a close family so we are really trying to make a lot of effort with this person.

But when I get this kind of response, it really puts me off them and I think I'm just going to mind my own business because I don't feel great in their company.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:45

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 15/12/2024 06:42

Your relative was probably trying to keep their shit together because they don't understand why adults no longer seem to be able to take constructive criticism without thinking it's so personal. In work or social life, it seems everyone wants a parade if they manage to turn up forwok (not necessarily on time), or do their work, or get to the venue. Then they need to be told how wonderful they are and how marvellous they look.

You literally have nothing to base these assumptions on about me.

OP posts:
CyranoDeBergerQuack · 15/12/2024 06:42

Your relative was probably trying to keep their shit together because they don't understand why adults no longer seem to be able to take constructive criticism without thinking it's so personal. In work or social life, it seems everyone wants a parade if they manage to turn up forwok (not necessarily on time), or do their work, or get to the venue. Then they need to be told how wonderful they are and how marvellous they look.

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:39

twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:37

I think it happens with the same couple of people. Because of their style. I don't think I'm a moaner, not any more than anyone else anyway tbh.

When they open up or ' moan ' about something, I'm just a lot kinder to them.

Show quote history

How are they with each other? Is it just their style or have you noticed it only towards you?

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:37

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:35

I think, rightly or wrongly, that if you feel this happens quite often, you’re coming across as a bit of a moaner and people are hinting at you to lighten up?

I think it happens with the same couple of people. Because of their style. I don't think I'm a moaner, not any more than anyone else anyway tbh.

When they open up or ' moan ' about something, I'm just a lot kinder to them.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:35

I think, rightly or wrongly, that if you feel this happens quite often, you’re coming across as a bit of a moaner and people are hinting at you to lighten up?

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:35

willtheguiltend · 15/12/2024 06:29

I do this with individuals who have a pattern of making a big issue out of minor things. It's actually comes from a place of lack of energy to converse about the subject, especially when someone has this tendency, also sometimes it's a lack of interest in the subject.
I'm not suggesting you do this, merely offering my perspective. But you know, I'm sure it'll be okay, she probably wasn't realising she was doing it, maybe she had a lot on her plate and couldn't offer anything more than that.

Yes I understand that type of person who always seems to have the drama about everything.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 15/12/2024 06:34

I think it can be a habit to always gloss over any issues and not wanting to get involved. Also mostly when we say ,how are you, most usually expect a 'fine thank you'. I really don't think it means more than that others are on automatic pilot. But yes it can feel dismissive and meaningless. I don't think it's a new thing though.

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:34

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:31

I think they are not interested in your detailed work issues and frankly most people are not. “How is work going?” is a small talk question and doesn’t require an in depth answer discussing work culture and one person’s comments.

you can’t change people, you can change your reaction. I don’t know why you would feel bad if someone doesn’t agree with you. Just move on and and keep conversation light and non confrontational.

Edited

We are actually in a similar line of work and in the family work is discussed quite a bit.. sound riveting I know but that's just how it is.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:33

It depends on the person you speak to and what type of reaction you will get….

Some will be more practical in their response
some are empathetic
some dismissive (I think someone said it’s more clumsy way of giving you some reassurance)
some will be outraged and get emotional

Different people will react differently.

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/12/2024 06:31

I think they are not interested in your detailed work issues and frankly most people are not. “How is work going?” is a small talk question and doesn’t require an in depth answer discussing work culture and one person’s comments.

you can’t change people, you can change your reaction. I don’t know why you would feel bad if someone doesn’t agree with you. Just move on and and keep conversation light and non confrontational.

willtheguiltend · 15/12/2024 06:29

I do this with individuals who have a pattern of making a big issue out of minor things. It's actually comes from a place of lack of energy to converse about the subject, especially when someone has this tendency, also sometimes it's a lack of interest in the subject.
I'm not suggesting you do this, merely offering my perspective. But you know, I'm sure it'll be okay, she probably wasn't realising she was doing it, maybe she had a lot on her plate and couldn't offer anything more than that.

Radishknot · 15/12/2024 06:29

Are you sure they are not just trying to make you feel better by downplaying it as opposed to dismissing it?

Original poster
twinklefar · 15/12/2024 06:26

I don't think it's that they're disagreeing with me. It's a different thing. And also why would you disagree with someone's experience ? A family member comes to you telling you they're upset and you just disagree with them ? I wouldn't do that. I don't think that's very kind. The upset is real. Hear them out. Don't just disagree with their experience and dismiss them.

If you think they miss understood the cause of upset, you can share that with them in a more sensitive way too.

OP posts: