What is it with people being so dismissive ?

I’m sorry you have had personal experience with cancer.

Can you understand that I was in no way saying that the toxic positivity surrounding cancer is right? So please don’t put words in to my mouth.

The op and I are saying that the fact it happens so much when the subject of cancer comes up - and is WRONG - makes it less surprising when it happens. Because if the frequency. Not because it’s right.

There’s a huge difference between the two!

They aren't going to give you what you need so stop expecting it

In the situation you describe I would say they are not that interested. I find work culture etc really interesting so probably would have engaged more.

Also some people only want surface level engagement / small talk. It took me a while to understand this. I don’t really do small talk but have learnt to keep majority of interactions bright and breezy and to keep the in depth conversation to those who are interested.

• Have you thought about if you are an empath or highly sensitive person
• have you thought about either only asking those you know will understand, or self soothing more and so treating yourself in the way you would like others to respond

You can only change you
Stop discussing things like this and keep it superficial

Some people only want surface level chat. When they ask how you are you are suppose to answer I am well. How’s the new job, oh it’s good thanks type of conversation. My Dad is like this and I have previously tried to have more in depth chats which him but his nonchalant, not in

I totally understand that. What I’m trying to explain to you is that if you are someone who tends to focus on problems a lot, particularly when the vibe is more superficial chat but perhaps you’re missing that, always validating becomes part of the problem because it continues the conversation and reinforces that behaviour.

I don’t know you so would usually take what a poster says as fact but your post about cancer is very jarring in that picture and to me, suggests that your communication style may not be as you think it is. What you want to do with that is up to you.

OP - it sounds like the relative got it wrong on this case, but validating feelings isn’t always right.

If a toddler falls and cries, do you rush in all concerned and make a big fuss or do you say, ‘oops, these things happen, you’re ok’ with a smile.

The former is validating feelings but likely to lead to difficulties when the child goes to school and other kids don’t make a fuss. The latter is less immediately validating but may be ultimately kinder.

'I feel like it's toxic positivity mixed with just poor social skills'

I think you're probably right, it's a good description. My family are very much like this, I feel there is never any space for me to share what's going on with me. They dismiss, downplay, minimise or even downright ignore. So I have stopped sharing anything that's even slightly important to me. I see them rarely, which also helps

You perceive it correctly. Nothing worse than trying to deal with a scary health situation alongside lots of people denigrating its seriousness and with super positive rhetoric. You are then battling twice. Once to be taken seriously, then the condition itself and then even worse if you lose the ‘battle’ you let everyone down by not being ‘strong enough’. Lose, lose, lose.

It’s invalidating yes. But they may think they are saying the right thing. I would advise you not to dwell on it. Does this person’s opinion matter that much to you? And if so, why?

It seems to me like you don’t understand small talk.

I know there’s a lot of toxic positivity about cancer through personal experience. Likewise infertility.

The fact that it happens doesn’t make it understandable at all and doesn’t mean that it should be dismissed whilst OPs potential work situation shouldn’t.

It’s the shallow social conversation you are tapping into and feeling frustrated with.

There are lots of people who enjoy this level of interaction and as I’ve got older I can tolerate it better. It’s basically ‘hairdresser’ talk. Have a look at the Royale Family interactions on the sofa with.Barbara and the family while the husband is sitting on the chair shouting ‘my arse’. It’s hilarious because it’s so banal.

You want interactions that mean something and it sounds like the people you’re interacting with aren’t interesting in giving you that - so my best suggestion is expect nothing useful from them and try and find people you jive with better conversationally.

Can’t you see that it’s exactly what this person was doing about your potential work situation, offering general positive reassurance? Only in your case the potential impact isn’t as serious.

Your doubling down suggests even more that you might be guilty of unconsciously being a bit dramatic.

I have a friend like this, she’s lovely but due to anxiety can tend towards the dramatic and there’s only so much validating you can do. She doesn’t see it though.

Op wasn’t saying that at all.

There’s so much toxic positivity surrounding cancer that it’s more understandable is what she meant.

I know what you mean, I would find this annoying too.
my husband actually does this. If I talk about anything at all, his reply aims to solve the problem. But I’m not asking for that, I just want to share my day!
I also think it’s very common for people to be dismissive of other people’s problems and ‘it/they are all fine’ is quite an easy reply to give. Its harder to show empathy because that involves putting yourself in someone else’s place and most people are bad at that.

No I already explained that we talk about each other's work a fair bit, as we are in a similar field.

Maybe she just felt you'd gone on about it long enough this time.

This sounds a bit like my mother....
As a young adult, whenever I tried to tell her anything difficult or troubling, I would get brushed off with one of 2 responses: "Oh well, never mind dear" or "don't be silly dear"
I felt completely unsupported at a very difficult time in my life.
She then claimed to be very hurt & disappointed when I moved far away

Of course, but at the end of the day, if you want them in your life then you just need to accept the way they are. They're responding in the way they know how/ the way they are capable.

I have many family members like this, and at this point I just try to be kind and accept how they are and their emotional/ social limitations.

A lot of my emotional needs are met more by my husband and friends who are more empathetic and validating - but also I just know my own mind anyway, so I don't need it as such.

Whether you want to continue having a relationship with that person is up to you - but if you do, you need to accept this is just who they are, there is no point in getting worked up about it - you're the only one who will suffer with that.

If you love them, just accept and move on.

OP - I think it is likely one of four things.

1. They are a fixer. You’ve come with a problem and their reaction is to think of solutions. However, you don’t want solutions, just to have someone validate your feelings/agree with you.
2. They care too much. I find it easy to do the validating with friends as I am not that invested. However, if my DC has just started a new job and was already raising concerns about their boss, if I just agreed that they were right to be worried, I’d be concerned that the new job was already not working out. So instead, I’d suggest thinking of other perspectives, so that they don’t dismiss the job too lightly.
3. They think you overreact to small slights and should be more easy-going. That is that you have poor emotional intelligence.
4. It’s a generational thing. To me being kind isn’t simply ‘validating feelings’ and agreeing with someone but listening and then adding other perspectives. This helps to open minds and prevent overreaction.

Empathy means having respect for the feelings of all the people in the interaction, including what your work colleague may have meant/intended.