What is it with people being so dismissive ?

Cross with work person for something they said...
Cross with family member for reaction to you talking about it...
Cross with posters for talking about family member reaction to work person comments...
It's like an elaborate unhappiness pyramid scheme, designed to keep expanding on your aggravation. Where does it end?

It can be frustrating when someone misreads cues and embarks on a multi-hour trauma dump from "how are you?", equally frustrating if someone cites a comment that you agree with (but don't want a row!). The easiest conversations are those that develop through staged questions; two-way real dialogue rather than monologues that demand some specific response.

Some people do have a need for lot more energy from others, which is fine as we all differ, but you need to learn how to control that need to take energy from others rather than thinking that you have a right to demand that someone spends significant amounts of their precious free time listening to trivial problems. You don't know everything that others have already dealt with that week, they could already be at burn-out where this immediate extra demand is just too much. When you have a serious issue, it's fine to dive in, but for this minor stuff it is really important to learn to read cues and keep light where necessary. Develop a bigger network and there will be someone who has the energy at the time you need them.

The dismissive people tend to be the ones who make the most fuss when they are going through bad times ( so I've realized over the years !)

I laughed out loud at that ad yes it is very common especially on AIBU for posters to be incredibly dismissive at times.

Not everyone needs or wants their feelings validated so not everyone is going to automatically respond to you in that way. Some people want a solution, some want reassurance, some another perspective, some just to get it off their chest.
If it is upsetting you so much that people don't validate your feelings you are best telling people upfront what you are looking for and/or only talk to people who you know give you the response you want when you are in a situation where you think you need validation.

Interesting. This very thing happens on the regular on MN aibu and relationships. "My boyfriend/husband/whatever screwed my sister, burned my house down and ate my favourite poodle." "Well, he must have been really hungry." "Houses do burn down you know." "I'm sure he didn't mean to have sex with her. If it was dark he may have thought it was you." And so on.

Your reaction seems quite extreme and possibly a bit blinkered.

To go from their attempting to minimise a negative situation to "they don't care about me and think I'm stupid; I won't invest time in them again" feels a big leap.

People have given you lots of possible reasons for their responsep; many were well meaning or out of concern. To ignore those in favour of a harsh judgement feels like either you're looking for an excuse to step back from this person or you have a very "with me or against me" mindset.

I'm not sure how helpful to you that is.

I totally agree with this. I find that posters response bizarre and almost from a comedy sketch… “quick, someone seems to be daring to show some emotion… Nigel grab the mince pies quickly, MINCE PIES anyone??!?!”

I find that surface level banal superficial small talk utterly mind numbing, and I know many others feel the same. I am not saying that we should be trauma dumping either (the other extreme) but people should be able to mention tame issues they are experiencing without those around them malfunctioning like humanoid robots.

That sounds very passive aggressive. Do you honestly never have a moan in group conversations out and about? All the time you just do “surface and pleasant”?

I can honestly never think of a social gathering whether some kind of difficult topic doesn’t come up during the conversation at some stage death, divorce, children moans, work moans interspersed with all of the light fun stuff across the course of the outing. It is far from normal to think that day to day moans are only for a therapist. Certainly from my wide and varied social interactions across many different environments, day to day moans are par for the course. Yes some people go over board with it and we only have the OPs say so that that is not her but I’m willing to take her at face value.

@twinklefar exactly the response I was expecting.

@twinklefar I doubt it's that thenperson dislikes you but they are at a social occasion and want to keep things light. Deep and meaningful conversations about perceives slights are for one on one encounters or possibly a therapist.

I'm afraid my response would probably have been "how frustrating for you, now I think we need to get those minces pies moving, let's take a plate each and offer them round".

Personally, I think you need to address boundaries at work, get on with the job and stop worrying about what was probably a throwaway comment.

This sounds very much like my DH’s family. He is also a very empathetic and deeply considerate person, much like how you sound. Roses really do push through concrete!

I’m so sorry to hear about what your family are like. I can relate but not as extreme. I’ve gone into a helping profession, which is undoubtedly linked to the dismissive and invalidating attitudes I experienced while growing up. I really hope you’ve got people in your life who can be empathetic and helpful.

I had a bad incident a few years ago where I had to go to hospital (I had irregular hr and blurred vision-it was just as a result of post flu) with all 3dcs as my dh was away. I didn’t even bother to tell anyone as they don’t want to know about anything negative and don’t help . I did get generic texts and I answered “all good here “ while in a+E with all my kids . They don’t want to know and they won’t come and help. I share nothing with my family now.

My family are like this as they don’t want to hear anything “negative “. They are zero emotional or practical help so if I ever say anything remotely “negative” like when they were small I had absolutely no sleep as one of my dcs has severe issues with sleep and I was really struggling as I developed severe insomnia as a result…
If I ever said anything about being tired or anything I was shut down straight away . I mentioned recently how challenging it was dealing with ad hoc school closures and work when we have no backup -immediate shut down. One of my dcs has a slight ld-shut down if I ever try and talk about it .BTW I rarely did and now I never say anything whatsoever so I don’t do any moaning etc. It’s all “all good now”
They.don’t.want.to.know.
They don’t want to feel that feeling of guilt over never being there and never providing any support.
On the other hand I’ve tons of empathy and people can come to me , my neighbour was having an extremely difficult time recently (family bereavement) and was struggling and I minded her dcs for a few days. I couldn’t even imagine saying “oh it’ll all work out , don’t worry about it “ and basically turn my back . I’m glad that people feel like they can talk to me , I’ll always listen and I’ll provide support where I can as I know what it’s like to have none .

Tbh I would dismiss someone who said all vaccines are poison, you don’t have to agree with everything someone says.does not mean you don’t like them.

I suspect OP that they don't actually care and were simply trying to fill a gap in the conversation.

I think this is that avoidant personality style you see mentioned sometimes on here. These types often are uncomfortable around emotions generally, theirs and others so they dismiss them. It is just an underdeveloped part of their personality. It was done to them so they are repeating what they learned.

As others have said the response could just be trying to give you a different perspective or alternatively to them any moaning at all from a person they perceive as a person being a moaner. Toxic positivity is their reaction to any discomfort.

From your point of view you need to accept people as they are. Whoever these people are to you they are not people you should be going to with any of your problems that don’t concern them. Even if you do go to them with a problem that directly relates to them unfortunately you are likely to be met with the same behaviour. It is what it is. People are all different and we all have our flaws.

Yeah we have a family member that does this. Another relative was alone and overseas when they developed appendicitis and initially took too long to seek care so that it all became a bit marginal.

The response was 'well, it's the most common cause for surgery so...'

I grew up with a mum who did this constantly. I grew up believing my feelings were shameful and ungenerous and I should always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. You can imagine the trouble that led to in my personal life. I only came to understand the impact of it years later, in therapy, when my lack of trust in myself and my poor boundaries caused big problems. However, once I'd worked on that I was able to see that my mum had traumas of her own and was struggling with overwhelming anxiety and desperately needed her daughter to be happy and have no problems. Needless to say, I never tell her anything and we aren't close in any meaningful way. But the point is, their reaction is about them, not about you. Trust yourself and what you felt. Don't give so much weight to others' responses, ever. You're an adult, not a child, and you can choose who to talk to and spend time with.

'Before you come at me' is probably my most hated phrase on this especially when it's in an opening message.
You said something, you've said the person you were talking to didn't seem to give it the answer you wanted e.g. give you validation or probe more.
That is it- other people have options and feelings and thoughts shock horror.
Not everyone exists to be interested in every aspect of your life.

Are you some one who likes drama. Someone who is always in conflict or unhappy about other people. And perhaps people see through that angst and drama.