Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

233 replies

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 04:34

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

OP posts:
minceyminceypies · 15/12/2024 15:57

Either he got you pregnant on purpose to try to keep you tied to him or you did, in the hope of getting married.

It makes no sense to have chosen to be pregnant considering your pgce, living with his family, and the arguments you were already having months into your marriage.

I can't help notice you're ignoring questions about the timing of the baby. That's your call, but it's worth asking yourself why this happened and you've misjudged things.

Personally I think you need to leave, sort out childcare and get back to your training however possible.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:56

minceyminceypies · 15/12/2024 15:49

OP did he force you to have a baby?

I can't really see why you would have chosen August to become pregnant because most PGCEs are 52 weeks and you need to be in school for some of the practical training.

Edited

He didn't force me, but we had just decided to wait to have a baby due to my job etc and then of course with my luck I was already pregnant and didn't know it...

OP posts:
Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:55

LizzieBennetsSister · 15/12/2024 15:46

It may not feel like it now OP, while you are so broken and vulnerable, but this is the strongest position you will ever be in, in this relationship, to do the right thing for yourself and your child. That is insist now that you move out of that house and have a home of your own. It has to be now not after the birth There is no chance once your baby is born that you can make independent choices while living under his parents' roof.
If it was me I would make that move alone because of the man your H has shown himself to be. Not only a misogynistic hypocrite, with twisted values, but a liar who you cannot fully trust. That would not be an option for me, and I hope not for you either. Every woman deserves better than this. Can you get somewhere of your own? Will your own family support you?

I won't be able to financially afford a place of my own unless I go to a council but I don't want to raise my baby struggling. My parents would support me but I don't want to rely on them as this isn't the dream they wanted for their only and eldest daughter.

OP posts:
Hagr1d · 15/12/2024 15:54

OP, I'm a few years older than you but experienced similar... I got married at 21 and the week I started my PGCE, I found out I was pregnant. I managed to do most of it before baby arrived and was literally 20 days short of the required number of placement days. When baby was about 6 months old I completed those days and then a few years later (my baby had medical issues after birth and lots of appointments for the first 2 years) I started teaching. I also live with my MIL and am from a Pakistani Muslim background so cam relate to much of what you say.

HOWEVER, my husband did legally marry me (albeit It was after we had the baby) and was honest about his life before we married. He also supported me to complete my qualification and to start a career in teaching if/when I was ready. This support is what makes all the difference. Is your husband going to stop you from working and just expect you to be a servant to his mum? His unwillingness to neither legally marry you nor provide you with a separate home, but have you carry his children makes you vulnerable. You have no legal protection and are dependent on his whims. What have your parents said about this situation? Do they live nearby?

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:53

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2024 15:36

Tell him you had a bf before you met - oops read your texts and so thought I would tell you to make you feel better about lying my dearest dh because I lied too…..

If you cannot leave, get even.

Edited

I've had previous unserious relationships before but never anything physical, which I've been honest about from day one which is why I expected total honesty from him

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 15/12/2024 15:53

Op he's full of shit.

Lies upon lies.

You can stop believing him now. He's shown what type of man he is.

Pack your things and go.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:52

minceyminceypies · 15/12/2024 15:23

OK so you're not legally married.

Is the baby planned? I can't understand why you became pregnant almost at the same time as starting your PGCE. You probably won't even complete it before your baby arrives.

I won't complete it but will resume after a year and going back as an unqualified teacher in the meantime. My dream was to always be a mother and I've had a lot of fertility issues too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:51

LondonLawyer · 15/12/2024 15:04

This isn't really about "his past" in terms of who he had sex with before you married. It's not about his not having done anything bad since you married, either. It's about his hypocrisy and lies, and those have been part of your marriage.
If a man insists he will only marry a virgin, that's up to him. If he states that the same is true for him, I wouldn't personally agree that his insistence is "right" but he's entitled to his views and preferences.
But he didn't do that, he made a massive issue about your virginity and lied about his own sexual past, and was a complete hypocrite to boot.
He might now be "fighting for you" but actually, I doubt it. Has he explained why he lied? Has he acknowledged that he was not only lying, but hypocritical? Has he accepted that his own insistence on your virginity was unfair and unreasonable?
I can totally understand why you are struggling to believe what he says now, because he has shown you in clear, open terms that he cannot be trusted about any of these sorts of things.
If you knew about his past before you married and were now distressed about it, those feelings of distress would be real, but they would also be something you had to deal with. But this situation is completely different.

He told me that he "essentially got raped the first time and she was so toxic that he felt trapped and she said he's already messed up so he might as well carry on". I counteracted this as I found messages and proof of him consenting to sex. Although I have no idea what happened the first time and don't know the whole dynamics of the relationship so I can't really say he's lying or anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:49

YellowDiamondsInTheSky · 15/12/2024 14:56

Based on everything you’ve said I wonder if you’re of Pakistani origin?

I’m not Asian myself but I am a Muslim so understand the religious and cultural element.

As his wife, you have the right to live separately and you need to insist on that. If you’re staying with your in laws once baby is there it’ll be harder for you to leave and you will get a lot of interference from his parents on how to raise your child. If he refuses, you should seriously consider moving back home until he accepts you need your own home.

Re his past, he’s a typical hypocritical POS to insist on virginity for you but he’s not one himself. Men like him are vile. He lied to you and made you believe your relationship is something that it’s not. You need help processing your emotions and counselling will be good for you. What’s done is done but it’s how you feel and what you need going forward that matters now.

I'm Bengali and so is he... I think most Muslims share a similar culture and expectations anyways, not all of which I agree with!

OP posts:
minceyminceypies · 15/12/2024 15:49

OP did he force you to have a baby?

I can't really see why you would have chosen August to become pregnant because most PGCEs are 52 weeks and you need to be in school for some of the practical training.

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2024 15:48

YellowDiamondsInTheSky · 15/12/2024 15:39

Islamically you still have rights over his assets… Everything he has is now half yours.

It’s telling he’s picking and choosing which part of Islam matters to him.

He’s a liar and a hypocrite and a cheat.

Show quote history

But how do I you enforce this?

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:47

Bigcat25 · 15/12/2024 14:35

I don't do liars, I'd probably leave him. I also don't like how he tried to isolate your mom. Abusers tend to isolate their partner from loved ones. He'd miss you for only a few hrs when you saw your mom? I know you said he doesn't do that anymore, but it sounds so childish. Sorry op.

What was his problem with gifts/money?

Edited

He felt like my family didn't spend much on him... His family gave me a LOT of gold when we got married but they can afford to and we couldn't!

OP posts:
LizzieBennetsSister · 15/12/2024 15:46

It may not feel like it now OP, while you are so broken and vulnerable, but this is the strongest position you will ever be in, in this relationship, to do the right thing for yourself and your child. That is insist now that you move out of that house and have a home of your own. It has to be now not after the birth There is no chance once your baby is born that you can make independent choices while living under his parents' roof.
If it was me I would make that move alone because of the man your H has shown himself to be. Not only a misogynistic hypocrite, with twisted values, but a liar who you cannot fully trust. That would not be an option for me, and I hope not for you either. Every woman deserves better than this. Can you get somewhere of your own? Will your own family support you?

minceyminceypies · 15/12/2024 15:46

no other religion makes their women cover themselves up from head to toe, to be 'invisible' yet the men are free to wear what they want.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:46

MounjaroOnMyMind · 15/12/2024 14:34

I'm so sorry you were assaulted. Do you think that if you'd actually been raped he wouldn't have been interested in marrying you?

100% I don't think he would've. Coz he classes rape as someone losing their virginity. But then after I said my perspective on it he kind of agreed that it's not the same

OP posts:
TwigletsAndRadishes · 15/12/2024 15:42

GermanBite · 15/12/2024 15:14

You're mistaken if you think this is an issue that only exists among Muslim men. There's a huge trend among Gen Z men to obsess over 'body count' and wanting to marry women who are virgins and live a trad life.

Show quote history

You think that attitude is anywhere near as prevalent among non-Muslim men as it is among Muslims though? I don't.

In the very conservative, very observant Christian communities of bible belt USA there is a strong culture of no sex before marriage for men and women. The more secular people who are Christian in name only tend not to worry so much. Same with Judaism.

Whereas the difference with many Muslim men is that the culture is far more patriarchal and conservative even if the men themselves aren't always terribly observant or devout. They live the 'modern' life they want to live while it suits them, then suddenly find they've remembered their core, traditionalist Islamic values when it's time to get married. They have very entitled and misogynistic expectations of their womenfolk, expecting them to have remained devout, pure and virginal, even if they don't apply those same values to themselves or their brothers or their male friends. Complete double standards.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 15:41

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:25

I just spoke to him and he said he'll do the registry but he's scared I'm gonna leave him and have rights over his assets... I said if I was him surely HE should be scared? That I'll take away his rights over our baby?

Show quote history

Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood your meaning , but regardless he’ll still have rights over the baby- equal to yours. Legal marriage won’t change that. But if you aren’t legally married you have no financial protection x

YellowDiamondsInTheSky · 15/12/2024 15:39

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:25

I just spoke to him and he said he'll do the registry but he's scared I'm gonna leave him and have rights over his assets... I said if I was him surely HE should be scared? That I'll take away his rights over our baby?

Show quote history

Islamically you still have rights over his assets… Everything he has is now half yours.

It’s telling he’s picking and choosing which part of Islam matters to him.

He’s a liar and a hypocrite and a cheat.

Wallywobbles · 15/12/2024 15:39

This is a frustrating read. If your younger sister/cousin came to you what would you say to them? Would you want your own daughter in this situation? Why do you think your parents would be unhappy? Does none of this make you think STOP doing what I'm doing now?

Where on earth is this "Am I being toxic?" nonsense coming from? Holding people to the standards they hold you to is not toxic it's normal.

Stop blaming yourself. Start growing up a lot both of you.

I'm going to say it again. Make moving out an absolute condition of this relationship continuing. You need to concentrate on your couple without all the other stuff.

How will teaching training work if you have to stop in a few months? Who is taking care of the baby in the future? Are you planning on a large family? Will you ever realistically be able to have a career?

Currently you are unmarried and once you have a baby they'll be absolutely no need for him to marry you because you're already tied to him for 2 decades. I have no opinion one way or another about the marriage part but if it's important to you then it should be very important to him. It's that simple.

minceyminceypies · 15/12/2024 15:37

why did you have a baby so young when you're in the middle of a PGCE?

Was this idea his so he can control you more? Make you stay at home and not earn?

You won't complete your PGCE before your baby arrives. You'll be dependent on him .

You've barely been married a year and your first post said you'd already had some problems.

coldcallerbaiter · 15/12/2024 15:36

Tell him you had a bf before you met - oops read your texts and so thought I would tell you to make you feel better about lying my dearest dh because I lied too…..

If you cannot leave, get even.

Bigcat25 · 15/12/2024 15:36

I understand that you don't want your parents to publicly trash him, that's unfortunate. Is there any way you could talk then out of it? I would go stay with them for a bit if it's possible to do so and not tell them everything. I'm sorry you've been through so much op, you deserve better.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 15:33

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 15:25

I just spoke to him and he said he'll do the registry but he's scared I'm gonna leave him and have rights over his assets... I said if I was him surely HE should be scared? That I'll take away his rights over our baby?

Show quote history

So this tells you all you need to know. He's happy for you to have his baby but not to protect you and said child should the relationship end. Callous.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 15:32

He's a liar and has happily lied to your face. Of course you're upset - he isn't who you thought he was. I was with someone like this - would say anything to anyone if he thought it was what they wanted to hear.

Im so sorry you've found this out whilst pregnant but you know you can't trust him now and once it's gone it's gone imo.

MamOfGoblins · 15/12/2024 15:30

IMO it's rape by deception. This is when someone consents to sex based on false pretenses or a false representation of facts. In this case, if the claim of virginity was a significant factor in your decision to consent then this would come under rape by deception. Consent is freely given and informed. What he did might not be a crime in the UK but it was completely morally wrong. I would LTB, though I understand that you may not feel this is possible. In which case, I'm sorry I have no advice.