5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

This x 3!

it’s disgraceful and more fetishising of virgins. The men that want them, is basically the men who want to be able to control their wife or are so bad in bed they want a woman with 0 experience or expectations, or both.

In Islam a man isn’t even allowed to ask if his bride to be is a virgin, and the type of man that does, many scholars say ‘run a mile’

OP,
Most of the posters here will be non-Muslim feminists. MN is notorious for telling women to leave their husbands at the drop of a hat.
That said - he has lied before so will likely lie again: keep your eyes open and your wits about you.

If the OP wishes to marry within her religion and SE Asian culture, she may have a very hard time finding a man who is not misogynist by Western standards.

OP - you have to insist on legal UK marriage. And mean it - leave him if he won't marry you.

OP there's a south Asian talk board on here.

You may get better advice around the muslim and culture aspect.

Maybe someone can link to it for you .

I think it is a big point of the post bc he placed a lot of emphasis on it. Perhaps he regretted it and felt ashamed about it, I don't know. It obviously hard to trust him.

Read her update. It explains it clearly and there was nothing wrong in asking given the situation.

Are you very sure the reasons he’s avoiding legal marriage isn’t because… he’s already legally married to someone else?
That aside this doesn’t sound a healthy relationship in any way.

Reading your last post here so far...you wanted advice on how you could put this behind you.

I doubt you can.

It's not just the lie, it's his horrible behaviour since as well about marriage and the cost etc if you split up.

TBH he took advantage of your lack of sexual experience. Most women would be able to tell if a man was a virgin because they tend to behave very differently when they have sex for the first time.

Making you wait till you had a Muslim ceremony was helping him cover his lies.

How can you love a man who treats you like this?

You are so young. Your whole life is ahead of you. Don't tie yourself to this horrible man.

He's only appearing to be nice after you've discovered the truth.

He told me that he "essentially got raped the first time and she was so toxic that he felt trapped and she said he's already messed up so he might as well carry on"

OP stop and think what this tells you about this man's character. He refuses to take responsibility, blames others, and thinks the fact he has 'sinned' once means he can continue sinning forever. I knew a manipulative serial cheat who used exactly this excuse to carry on cheating. He told himself he could never get whiter than white again so he may as well keep cheating with multiple women forever.
This is not a man you should be married to. Don't raise your child in an unhappy home with a mother who feels trapped. Get out whilst its easier now.

gold star advice here

Honestly I’d be using this as an opportunity to get legally married. Doubt he’d support your child if you split up. You’ve got more options with capital.

If you aren’t actually legally married by law then maybe you would be better off moving out (temporarily?) to allow yourself some headspace and also keep your cards close to your chest. I see you live with his family - very stressful with this on your mind. You don’t have to stay and save face.. you can do whatever you feel suits you and baby best. x

If I were OP I would not get married and leave. She is young enough to build her own independence and a legal divorce is a huge headache.

I agree with this. You also place a lot of emphasis on virginity which I think is misplaced but that’s not the point of your post - it’s the fact he has lied to you. Don’t be afraid to speak to a friend or family if you are feeling awful - don’t isolate yourself at such a time. Lots of luck to you xox

THIS, with bells and tibsel.

How can you trust this man to help you raise a child, of whatever sex?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience previously.

I think you need to separate the two issues here. 1. is that he seriously betrayed your trust 2. Is that you are obsessing over his previous relationships which is not healthy.

If you are committed to staying in the marriage I would set out the following requirements:

• you get legally married to protect yourself. He has been dishonest and you can no longer simply rely on his word. You need some legal protection for you and baby.
• you need to move out together into your own home away from his parents. You need an exit date, and need to start the process to be out before baby arrives.
• you have counselling to work through these issues properly.

Good luck x

My experience is that some men are manipulative liars. They will lie and lie to get what they want from women. Its a form of control for them. They don't see women as equals and feel a sense of entitlement to lie and manipulate women to get those women to play the role they want them to play in their life.

I think your husband is one of those men and if I were you I would ensure my financial independence and leave him. You'll never be able to trust him. You are young enough to build up a good life for you and your child.

Do you mean denial? That’s not easy if it matters to you a great deal. You cannot kid yourself and if you do it is called denial. My only advice is life and people move on and the issue moves further back in history until you are in your 40s 50s and looking back it stings but is not a dealbreaker because you have built a life. It’s really common by the way, you aren’t alone. Never lie to yourself, you aren’t crazy no matter what ppl tell you to shut you up.

If looking back at the end of your life, he has been mainly a good husband then you may feel he was worth this painful episode.

From an Islamic POV he'd still be obliged to provide for mum and baby, but based on the comment about avoiding a legal marriage to protect his assets it seems he'd ignore that too

In other words - and as I suspected - another one who's picking and choosing the bits to suit

Also, @Saraahh, given his remarks about the relative situations of your families, I'm surprised they didn't urge him towards someone who came from more money
Did her perhaps already have problems with his reputation which led better off families to avoid him?

Putting everything else aside, how can you stand for a man who believed this to touch you? He believed that being the victim of a violent assault is the same as losing your virginity by choice because you want to have sex? So rape victims are asking for it/want it then in his mind? This is horrifying.

Bloody hell op. You’re screwed if you separate. No legal marriage (why would you have a baby with him without this protection) you live with his family and no mat leave money.

I think you need some counselling to gain acceptance of your situation, and to decide whether or not you feel able to continue in this relationship. One of difficulties than can arise in this kind of situation is that some people cannot truly forgive and forget. Once trust is breached, it can be difficult to rebuild. Find a counsellor who is well qualified, and experienced. Also remember that when men find what they perceive to be ‘the one’ it is not unusual for them to do all that they can to ‘win the prize’. Look after yourself.

I can tell you now OP that when you start your teaching career he will not be supportive, he will resent the time it takes you away from the house, he will still expect the same level of wife duty even though you will be in a demanding job, he will hate you talking about your job and your colleagues at home , will make a fuss about the “school stuff” you have to have around the home, his mother will constantly snipe at how poor a wife you are, as will your SIL.

Having said that by all means you can make sure you complete the training because you might need to be able to support yourself and your son in a decent job in the future

What a helpful post

Then look for someone else. This is not a healthy relationship and you won't be happy. You get one life. Don't give it to someone who doesn't deserve it.

I have had lots of different types of therapy so know how hard it is to get the right type with the right person, and you have to be prepared to put the work in, but it's worth it when you get the right mix.