5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

If you untangle some of the items in your quoted post you may find a way out for the two of you.

You say you told him at the beginning that you didn’t care if he was not a virgin, or not.

For you, that’s somehow different now, your feelings have changed, or even, you held both that view and the view that virginity mattered, both at the same time.

Can you tell yourself the story that he may have sensed your holding both beliefs, and in the newness of your relationship as was, he chose to opt for the safe option of saying that he was a virgin before meeting you: because he wanted to please you, because he wanted you to love him, and because he didn’t want to lose you. Because you were so very important to him.

Since then the lie has been exposed.. and you’ve told yourself the story you originally posted: the story that is causing you horrendous pain.

Look at your husband’s behaviour recently. Think about his actions.
Is it feasible that he actually really wants you? Is it possible that he wants to make amends, for the two of you to have a happy, nourishing life together?
If that is possible, I suggest you change the story you’re telling yourself away from one of early relationship lies, to one of how once you really got to know each other well, what supports you’ve been to each other, how you adore each other, how your plans to gather for parenthood are so important to you both.

You can feed whichever story in your head that you want: feed the story you want to have.

Right now you have to weigh disgrace to join and his family of your leaving, particularly if you are having a boy and it's a valid marriage as far as Islam and the mosque are concerned.

If it would be a big disgrace, then I would suggest that you use the power you have now to have a legally registered marriage. This puts you on a firm legal footing, particularly if he later chooses to have more Islamic wives. Then you can divorce him after a year and a day and have full legal rights.

If you leaving with the baby has no effect on his honour or yours, then emotionally you may be better off leaving.

Only you can know what you can accept emotionally. But if you don't have a registered marriage, you have few rights, except to have reisden for your baby.

I wish you well.

You married a man who is so misogynistic thst he said he'd annul the marriage if he found out you weren't a virgin? Do you think this man will.give any daughters that you have the respect and life chances they deserve? If you can afford to leave now, start making plans and getting your own money together. This isn't going to end well.

This sounds unimaginably difficult

theres so many things you’re dealing with here

im sorry you’ve had to go through this
and the horrific incident of being assaulted and nearly raped :(

also the double standard of your husband :( the main issue is that he seemed so obsessed with ensuring your chastity whilst not maintaining his in a previous relationship

please make sure you ask your maternity team for help and support aswell, they may be able to help get psychological support for some of the ruminating thoughts you’re getting. This sounds like such a distressing time for you.

do you think it woukd help to speak to anyone from your friends or family, I know you’ve said there might be backlash from that but anyone who you feel can be a confidante without repercussions?

wishing you all the best and really hope you are able to be supported during this difficult time

Nobody should lie
and there should not be double standards

but the rules about concealing sins is the same rule for men and women. It doesn’t just apply to one gender

I have found and seen in the past that men generally Muslim men don’t see women as equals it seems to me he feels like it’s alright for him to do it but not you I cannot see the future but I think you will find it won’t work long-term because it will always be at the back of your mind that you will be classed as the second class citizen such a shame

He lied! You never get to know a liar. You never truly know what they are capable of either.
i met my now EX husband, we married and had children together. Within a couple of years I found out he’d told me lies regarding his previous marriage. From that moment on the lies kept coming. He actually swore to me on our son’s birthday and looked me in the face doing so, that he was telling me the truth over a certain matter. My gut told me he was lying so I rang someone he knew and they told me the truth. The fact tho that he could actually swear on his sons life on his 6th birthday and be lying to my face 🤷‍♀️ was unforgivable on every level. After 26 years of lies I finally walked away. To have wasted that amount of my life on that man is sickening.
To me it’s all about how he values you; if he can lie to you about something that happened before you even met he wouldn’t hesitate to lie about something else? Save yourself from years of torture and that’s what it becomes. Walk away would be my advice. Find someone who values you

You've lost trust for him. You'll never truly believe him again. It's your call what you want to do next. It looks like it's only going to get worse and the arguments and resentment are going to build up.

I’d be worried about what else he has lied about. To hold you to such a high standard but not himself is not the way someone who loves you would act.

while it isn’t ideal to bring a child up alone/ as seperated parents, I promise you, being in a good place mentally is so much more important.

Out of curiosity where did you use to live @KM123456 ?

This was not uncommon where I used to live. Muslim men would sleep with/live with nonMuslim women ( who naively thought the men would marry them) and then leave and marry a Muslim virgin. In the men's view this was to be expected and they were honestly surprised the women felt betrayed. It sounds like your husband realized this might be a deal breaker for you and so lied so he wouldn't lose you. It's a culture clash. Practically speaking you can't change the past, so get some kind of counselling to work this through.
And DON'T become financially dependent on him. Keep working. You will need that independence in the future if you need to make other choices.

I feel very concerned for you because you are vulnerable, being pregnant, without a job and without the protection of legal marriage. If you left your husband, would that have ramifications for yourself and your husband, in terms of reputation, honour? Would you be able to find a better husband in the future, given you are no longer a virgin and will have a child with a man you sort-of married? I don't like the sound of this guy honestly, he's controlling, he lies, he hasn't married you legally. You are really giving him 100% of yourself and getting back very little. You need to set your terms which I would say at the least would be legal marriage, marriage counselling, and a home of your own.

What’s his obsession with virginity? Why does he think the same standards don’t apply to him? This is such a turn off! I feel for you, OP.

They are married under Islamic law, the OP said they'd had a Nikah. But a Nikah, if it took place in the UK, isn't a marriage under the law in England & Wales, so the OP wouldn't get any ancillary relief / asset splitting in the event of a divorce.
A Nikah can be a lawful marriage here, but only if it took place in a country where a Nikah is a lawful marriage. If the OP had married in (for example) Pakistan or Bangladesh, it would be recognised as a lawful marriage in England & Wales.

Regardless of whether you stay or not, you need some support. Confide in someone or get some professional help. I know that you've had bad experiences with it before, but I think that it's worth trying again, perhaps after researching if there's a therapist out there who has experience with the cultural issues at play here. Good luck with it, the PGCE (I'm a teacher too- I know how hard that year is) and the baby (nowhere near as hard as the PGCSE, I promise!)

He might or might not be telling the truth about that (don't assume he is, he already has a track record about this) but it also isn't relevant. Had he said all that to you before he married, that would have been one thing. This is quite another thing altogether.

A Nikah won't help much if you do divorce (depending on what it says, terms vary). But you will be entitled to child maintenance, and that doesn't vary at all between married and unmarried parents. The fact that there is no legal marriage is also a bit of a red flag in marital terms - when couples have a religious marriage only, it is rarely a disadvantage to the husbands, but very often is to the wives.

This!!!

First of all, congratulations to you, OP, on your pregnancy! Wishing you a safe and healthy journey ahead. 😊

I’d like to share my perspective on something I’ve noticed over the years. When I first arrived in the UK, I was quite surprised by some of the attitudes and cultural practices within certain Muslim communities, especially those from the Indian subcontinent/South Asia. It became clear to me how cultural traditions can sometimes be mistaken for religious teachings, and unfortunately, harmful practices are often passed down through generations. I am a Muslim myself from a different region in the world.

This isn’t just an issue confined to Muslim communities—the prevalence of misogynistic attitudes in the Indian subcontinent spans across all major religions, including Hinduism and others. It’s a deeply rooted cultural challenge rather than one limited to any single faith. That’s why it’s so important for Muslim women (and women in general) to understand their rights and the empowerment that true Islamic teachings provide.

That said, I feel this thread has taken a bit of a turn, and it’s sad to see it becoming a space for religion-bashing. The negative behaviors of some misogynistic men, who cherry-pick religious teachings to suit their own agenda, shouldn’t define a faith or community.

OP there’s been some really good advice here.

Most of us think your H is not a good catch. However, as a fellow south Asian muslim I totally understand why you are not ready to leave him. You’re not empowered enough. Yet. I was like you a couple of decades ago.

One of the best things I ever did was start learning about my actual religion, instead of going along with the cultural version I had been raised to think was religion. I might get a lot of hate for saying this but the reality is south Asian culture is misogynistic and just not worth it for the women. I was so much more empowered once I realised I had so many more rights as a Muslim woman than as an Asian one. The virginity thing is a total red herring, it is not in any way a requirement prior to an Islamic marriage. It’s an example of Asian culture placing a value on women’s bodies and finding another way to shame, judge and control them.

You definitely need counselling to sort through this in your head- individually and then as a couple. It’s crazy that you were assaulted and your status of ‘virgin’ was the most important point to you (and I’m really truly sorry for what you went through). If you need to stay with him insist on a registry now. Maybe a few years down the line you will both be in a much better place, he also has a huge amount of learning to do about how to be a better person, but if he’s still a misogynist and you find you are ready to leave him then that’s ok too. And you will be ok.

I presume you’re an asian woman and you were speaking from your own personal experience?

Yes it is a generalisation.

Absolutely and it pushes the narrative that you do see sometimes that women (especially of a south Asian background) have to put up with it because they’re all as bad as each other and there might be worse blokes out there.

This is really hard for you, OP, I'm sorry.
It is horrible to find out that you have been lied to, and there are double standards in a man insisting on marrying a virgin without being one himself which are shocking.
But. It's you he has committed to, and by the sound of it he very much wants to be with you. And you want to be with him.
You are the best person to know how to get past this. How could you frame it yourself to make it bearable? Maybe knowing that your husband regrets what he has put you through and genuinely wants to do the right thing now? Maybe remembering that his actions come from a long history of traditions and constraints that many people find hard to keep to?
I wish you all the best.

If the OP wishes to marry within her religion and SE Asian culture, she may have a very hard time finding a man who is not misogynist by Western standards

Isnt that a bit of a generalisation ?

what?

that’s such a generalisation, my husband is Pakistani and he is head and shoulders above most of the non Asian men my friends have ended up with.

there are some truly amazing south Asian men, and like everywhere there are some dog shit ones