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Original poster

5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

233 replies

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 04:34

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

OP posts:
Mummabear04 · 15/12/2024 12:22

I'm really sorry this has happened OP. It sounds very stressed for you. Do you have anyone you trust that you could talk to? A friend or a sister maybe? Do you need to stay in the marriage? Do you want to stay with him? You have every right to be upset about this and you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling in processing what's happened. I hope you're OK x

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 15/12/2024 12:14

IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 05:37

The fact he wouldn't marry you if you weren't a virgin shows he's a misogynist pig and all about seeing women as sexual objects of purity. He is a pos and I would leave him and not ever look back, based on that alone. My feminist values would not allow me to even marry or have a child with someone who thought my virginity was more important than who I was as a PERSON. You lowered your standards there.

THIS , with bells on. Misogynist pig.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 12:10

Dotto · 15/12/2024 12:04

I think you need counselling on your own to help you decide what to do. It is a massive betrayal that he presented a completely false version of himself whilst expecting this from you. He didn't value honesty and thought he was entitled to you in a way that you were not entitled to him. I would worry about what else he could lie about. What is to stop him having affairs?

I think I would move in with family for a while, as it's obviously driving you crazy. You need help to unpick it all in your mind.

I already live with his family, parents and 2 younger sisters... That's hard enough as it is but we plan to move maybe a year or so after the baby's born

OP posts:
Dotto · 15/12/2024 12:04

I think you need counselling on your own to help you decide what to do. It is a massive betrayal that he presented a completely false version of himself whilst expecting this from you. He didn't value honesty and thought he was entitled to you in a way that you were not entitled to him. I would worry about what else he could lie about. What is to stop him having affairs?

I think I would move in with family for a while, as it's obviously driving you crazy. You need help to unpick it all in your mind.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 11:59

showersandflowers · 15/12/2024 04:58

I presume you want/need to stay with him? In which case, if that's 100%, they you need to figure out a way to be okay with it. You cant change the past. What would make it okay in your head? Would knowing more make it easier? Knowing less? A fresh start of some sort? To make it work, if you truly want to, you need to figure out how to come to peace with it. Does he know that you know?

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Remember time is a real healer too and you're clearly quite freshly in shock after this all. Give your mind time to process it and be good to yourself. Take it slow so that your mind has time and capacity to heal.

Yes, he knows that I know and is doing everything he can to make me feel better, I've never seen him fight for me so hard... I'm trying my best to be happy but I can't help the breakdowns and thoughts in my head

OP posts:
IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 05:37

The fact he wouldn't marry you if you weren't a virgin shows he's a misogynist pig and all about seeing women as sexual objects of purity. He is a pos and I would leave him and not ever look back, based on that alone. My feminist values would not allow me to even marry or have a child with someone who thought my virginity was more important than who I was as a PERSON. You lowered your standards there.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 05:33

He has repeatedly lied and deceived you. It’s no wonder you are hurt and upset, he is not the man you married.

Given you are five months pregnant I would consider having counselling to talk this through.

showersandflowers · 15/12/2024 04:58

I presume you want/need to stay with him? In which case, if that's 100%, they you need to figure out a way to be okay with it. You cant change the past. What would make it okay in your head? Would knowing more make it easier? Knowing less? A fresh start of some sort? To make it work, if you truly want to, you need to figure out how to come to peace with it. Does he know that you know?

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Remember time is a real healer too and you're clearly quite freshly in shock after this all. Give your mind time to process it and be good to yourself. Take it slow so that your mind has time and capacity to heal.