5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

You are in a very hard place. You’re pregnancy and finding out your husband had relationships long before he met you as brought back the trauma of your sexual assault. You’re getting the mixed up that’s the way the brain works. Go and see your GP get counselling from a qualified counsellor and if your husband loves you like you say he does he will come to all the best for the future and your pregnancy.

Sweetheart there is no advice anyone can give you on here.
unfortunately no one can wave a magic wand and make your feelings go away.
you are obviously broken over this and why wouldn’t you be? He has broken your trust. Unfortunately quite often once that trust is broken it cannot be mended.
i alikened my husbands betrayals to this
YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE VASE; YOU LOVE IT IN FACT. ONE DAY SOMEONE BREAKS IT. DONT WORRY THEY SAY - ILL MEND IT.
NO MATER HOW MUCH GLUE THEY PUT ON IT, IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME VASE. THEY CAN GLUE IT BACK TOGETHER BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE PERFECT EVER AGAIN.
So in short you have to either throw it away or learn to love it for what it is now.

Assalamu alaikum sister. I'm sorry. He sounds awful.

He lied about himself to lure you in. He could have told you the truth about his relationship history but he chose not to. If he didn't want to disclose something he felt ashamed of but also knew that it would be a deal-breaker for you, he could have made an excuse and just said he didn't want to proceed with nikah, but he chose not to. He chose to lie and to deny you the chance to make an informed choice about him as he is.

He's acted as a misogynist, with frank hypocrisy about this. He'd divorce you if he found out you weren't a virgin before marriage but it's ok for him to have pretended to be one? Nope. He blames his ex for his own choices to have sex? Double standards, much?

He'll have the nikah but not the legal process that protects your rights. That tells you a lot about who he is.

He's let you down and shown himself to be a weak man.

What do you want to do? I know what I'd do, but you're the one living with him and his family and expecting a child. You're in a vulnerable situation in terms of your living situation and your financial situation. Would you be able to get some Islamic marriage counselling through scholars? That might help you decide what's right for you. I'd really urge you to protect your rights, and to get an STI screen. Tell your midwives too - they may have advice and support available. Do you have your own family support?

Disagree in marriage there is nothing as his phone especially in religious relationships if u want privacy then don’t get married

Canada, in 2 large cities with universities and medical residency training programs whose countries paid their expenses as foreign medical residents.

He's not done anything since we've been together to betray my trust. I'm a bit reluctant to speak to other people about it as I don't want them viewing him in a bad way.
I just feel like my mental health has plummeted tbh

Please get help, move out and get some independence, then think about how you want to move forwards.
If your relationship was good your mental health wouldn't be so low.

im sorry to read you’re going through this and particularly during your pregnancy.

provided these relationships are well and truly in the past AND he has not cheated on you, then the way to work through this is couples and individual counselling. Finding two good counsellors can work wonders to help guide you through discussions to address and resolve your issues. One for couples counselling, one for you solely.

if your husband is really contrite, he’d go to help work through the situation.

the individual counselling will help you to learn ways to work through your feelings about this as well as your feeling from your attempted rape. I say this because your attempted rape is brought up in your op but truthfully has no bearing on your husband having girlfriends and consensual sex with them. That you’re making this connection is an illustration how much this experience is still creeping in to your life and your thoughts. It really should be addressed.

I do hope that your husband is being open and honest with you. That he has deleted all these messages, any photos and deleted the contacts. In fact, blocked then deleted the contacts. Having an open phone policy would be useful too to help you rebuild your trust in him.

Seek councilling - this is about more than virginity. Having a baby will put a strain on any relationship, if you are feeling low now you need to discuss it with your midwife and arrange support through friends, family or a religious community if you have one. You do not need to suffer alone - there are plenty people who want and can support you through this difficult time.

I can see that from your perspective this situation is very hurtful, but I think you are overlooking some facts- men from teenage until well into their thirties have very high sex drives, and not having regular sex causes them stress and mental health problems. This is made more complicated by the fact you come from a Muslim background and live with his family- which is a very traditional old fashioned way to live in the UK in the 21st century.
Lots of young women are ready and willing to sleep with men they know they won't marry, and men in their 20's will pretty much always take advantage of that in this society.
Your husbands attitude to virginity is very old fashioned and hypocritical, but this attitude is not enough to stop him having sex outside marriage.
I understand how hurt you are your husband lied to you , but given his stated position on virginity what else could he do?
Really you should not have been surprised a 29 year old man was not a virgin. You are living a traditional life, but you you must be aware of modern life going on around you, surely?
You want to stay with him, and you want your child, so you you need to start facing up to life's realities and talk this through with him, tell him you know, you have to face that you looked at his phone, which clearly he wasn't expecting, but if he is angry with you, rather than apologetic I'm afraid your marriage is doomed.
It's frightening confronting tough realities, but you looked at his phone, so this is path you started on when you decided to do that. Have counselling , if that helps- it is totally confidential , none of your family need know. Good luck.

I know of someone who is Muslim moved in with family and promised their own home and guess what after the first child it never happened and she is on baby no.3 still there and arguing about the same thing. Love alone is not enough and u will grow out of it

I really know what I'm talking about on this one. You're not going to be ok while you're with him. Maybe in time your marriage can improve but for now you desperately need space.
Nothing is going to bring back what you thought you had. That's gone. That man didn't exist. Putting yourself under pressure to the point where you think you're the crazy one is a classic symptom of being emotionally abused.
Your baby needs you to be well. I understand that stepping away will break your heart and that grief will feel unbearable. However what would be so much more unbearable is trying to fix something that has become so toxic when you are simply unable to do that right now and there's a child involved.
Nothing, no religion, no promises, not family expectations, not even the idea of forgiveness is as important as your responsibility to make sure that you are well as your baby is not in a toxic environment. And I don't need toxic in what it looks like to everyone else. I mean what's actually happening - your racing heart, the crying, the conversations without a resolution.
If you leave you'll get through this and there will likely be peace and well being on the other side. Not what you'd imagined for your child but fine. You can support a wonderful relationship between dad and baby. If you stay you will probably go through hell, become ill and the chances are that the outcome will ultimately be that your baby sees as hears things that they shouldn't and you are still left alone, broken and needing to heal eventually. You're with an incredibly dishonest man. Even if he changed, your body would not know that.
Please get your baby out of this while you can. Nothing matters more than your baby's need for a peaceful environment and a mum who is in control of her own emotional health.
I 100% agree with the said above. To add to that , 1. why did he keep these communications on his phone if you have been married for 2 yrs
2.mentioned you’ve had challenges in yr marriage and yet it’s been only a couple of yrs is it probably his energy has been elsewhere when u think he is all for u
3.what happens when you have a 2nd or 3rd child will they continue behaving this and men like this believe no one wants u after 2/3 kids and you are not going anywhere and most religious household they encourage staying for the sake of the children
4.If u struggle to move on how will u feel when he gets frustrated and lashes out that u must forgive
5.he is a narcissist who wanted a cultured virgin (who says that nowadays even fr religious background) so he could continue and cheat as and when he likes while u focused on the family
5.consider cutting ties will serve u a lot of heartache and I would not hide something this big from yr family no way he needs to own up big time if there is to be any change of any kind. Wish u all the best

OP please go to your family, they sound like they care for you and will be supportive.

This man will never have a personality transplant to make him honest, logical and value you as his equal.
You will not fix him. He does not want to be fixed; everything is working very nicely for him.

Legally you are not married. He would have to be present to be recorded on the birth certificate. Be very careful about bestowing him legal parental responsibilities as if this relationship breaks down, he's the type to use them to be obstructive, awkward and vengeful.

You're young with a lot of opportunity ahead of you. He (and his horrid family) is not the only path avaliable to you.

Look after yourself. Your baby deserves a safe, loving home. DH not wanting to register marriage is not acceptable at all, irrelevant of any religion. You may not get Mat Pay but you will get SMP. Make sure your money is safe from him and get out. You are young and have many years ahead of you. You need to heal from his betrayal. Possibly his family's betrayal too as they probably know exactly who he is. Keep safe.

Does the religion mention anything about the man sleeping around before marriage and lying to his wife about it whilst demanding she's a virgin and making clear he would leave if she wasn't?

My family will also make sure it's publicly known what he did and I don't wanna ruin his name... I wouldn't be able to live with myself

You wouldn't be the one ruining his name, his behaviour would be.

Having read your previous posts I'm confused, and worried for you.

• He lied, even after you told him that honesty was far more important to you than his virginity.
• He hasn't been checked for STI's (wouldn't?), yet you have - was it his idea that you get tested?
• He won't legally marry you, to protect his money.
• You can't move into your own home because you can't afford it, yet his family own multiple properties.
• He didn't (doesn't?) like you wearing makeup, or spending time with your family.

He sounds very controlling, and it's still early in your relationship - it rarely gets better. You are in a very vulnerable position; pregnant, legally unmarried, no income of your own, isolated and living with his family. As a pp said NOW is the time you have the most control over the outcome of the rest of your life.

IF you want this to work, you need to be married and move out of his family's home before your baby is born. You say he is doing his best to make amends, but is he? Words mean nothing, it's his actions that show you if he truly cares about you and wants to make your relationship work for both of you.

You both put too much store on virginity. His hypocrisy and judgement would infuriate me but it is incredibly common. Lots of people live double lives: a traditional, religious one for home and family and a completely different one with other friends.

Totally agree. I have a friend who suffered intense thoughts like this through all her pregnancies and needed specialist help pre and post natal. Speak with your gp practise and get some support

With kindness, this relationship is doomed. He’s deliberately lied and manipulated you. He has no respect for women. You’ve nearly broken up previously and he refuses to marry you. He isn’t good enough for you and if I was your mother I’d be pulling you out. He’s a nasty man and your life will only get worse if you stay with him. Sadly, I think this is something you’re only going to slowly realise over time. Please leave and go to your parents. I’d want my daughter home and safe rather than with a dishonest and manipulative partner. All I’d want for her is to be out of this unhealthy and unequal relationship.

if you do want to stay with him, give him 6 weeks to marry you and move out. If he doesn’t, leave. There is no future if he won’t do this. If you just let this drift he’ll never marry you and you’ll be two kids down and desperately unhappy and trapped. Please don’t ruin your experience of parenthood by being trapped in an unhappy relationship.

What a surprise, a man has double standards 🙄
Sorry OP and best of luck with your pregnancy x

By your posts I'm thinking you're hiding an agenda here? What's going on with your passive aggressive statements?

Being pregnant makes you feel vulnerable and very delicate emotionally. Counselling may help,but having a baby will help too. He has broken your trust and he will have to work to get that back but he can’t keep paying for his mistake forever. If he’s a good man he knows it’s double standards which isn’t right. Give him another chance.