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AIBU?

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Original poster

He left me in city centre…

881 replies

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

OP posts:
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5
CoffeeDogwalkTennis · 16/12/2024 21:29

My husband did this once.
I divorced him 1 month later.

WalmartWitney · 16/12/2024 21:26

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 06:42

This is not how he should be treating someone he aparantly loves. And you know it deep down. When you were a teenager is this what you hoped for in a relationship? It's hard because these men find women and then they work their way in until it's too late and for some reason they stick with the women but they resent them. For whatever reason they RESENT them. I don't know why they don't leave. I think you should seek counselling for yourself not for couples. And you should build up the strength you need to leave him. If you can leave him now then do so. Do not think of how good it has been in the past, that past has gone now and been replaced with a dark seething resentment in his soul.

This is so true.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 16/12/2024 21:16

@Craics90 I hope you are ok.

Needachange02 · 16/12/2024 21:14

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 14:43

He’s usually a pretty good fella. He doesn’t help around the house but he would do a lot with the children and is very involved. He would be very kind to me but I would always feel in my heart that I’m walking on egg shells and if something came up like an argument he would tell me to move out or he doesn’t like me or care. But that all stopped and he was back to the same man I fell in love with. He makes fun of how I speak daily and he and his friends use it as the butt of their jokes. He would also say that my clothes are brutal or compare me to Michael Jackson etc. he thinks it’s funny despite me telling him it annoys me. He would stop the world for me aside from all of this normally, and would be very in touch with how I’m feeling and how he could cheer me up or do something to help me out. However, maybe I’m just confused. The more I think about it he’s always been a bit of a dick toward me. Someone made a fat joke about me in the pub a few weeks back and he laughed. He wouldn’t stick up for me. I’m a 10/12 and 5ft 5. I’m by no means perfect or skinny but I wouldn’t describe myself as fat. Maybe a little jiggly lol

Show quote history

OP, he is not a pretty good fella. He is a horrible person who degrades you, allows his mates to make fun of you and does not value you as a person.

Please re read your post and think about what you would tell a friend if she told you this is how her partner treated her.

Please don’t tolerate this, it needs to end or your children will grow up with this learnt behaviours about relationships.

HardyCrow · 16/12/2024 20:55

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 11:04

@Shouldbedoing he owned the house before we were married. He has always told me it’s a pre marital asset and I wouldn’t be entitled to any of it. Only the children. Not that I ever wanted it nor have I ever checked if that’s really a thing.

Show quote history

You have children together, have put money into the house from your housesale and are married( ?). You definitely have a claim to the house. Please talk with a lawyer.

DemelzaandRoss · 16/12/2024 20:13

@StrikeItMucky This 100%.

StrikeItMucky · 16/12/2024 20:07

Each update I read, it gets worse. All I hear in my head is Ace of Base's "The sign". He has shown you who he really is and I'm sorry but he is a grade A cunt!
He doesn't deserve you. You and your children deserve so much better.
You're recently bereaved AND you still went the extra mile for his birthday!! Only for it all to be thrown back in your face.
There is no coming back for the truly horrendous things he said to you.
It's time you started putting yourself 1st and kicked him to the kerb. 2025 is your year. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you all the luck in the world for your new life x

SayItWithCrystals · 16/12/2024 20:05

OP, you’ve had so many great and supportive responses. I just want to add one more. I’m so sad for you reading this. I hope you get get out of this. I’ve been pretty much exactly where you are. It can feel so hard to get out. But when you do - you realise staying would have been so much harder. Sending you lots of love
and strength. xx

LalaPaloosa2024 · 16/12/2024 20:02

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 11:04

@Shouldbedoing he owned the house before we were married. He has always told me it’s a pre marital asset and I wouldn’t be entitled to any of it. Only the children. Not that I ever wanted it nor have I ever checked if that’s really a thing.

Show quote history

This isn’t true. It’s the marital home for the purposes of the law. My ex H moved into a home owned by me and he never contributed a penny to it in any way. He had a claim on it at law after only 3 years of marriage because it’s the marital home and he lived in it while married to me. I had to pay him a percentage of its value to get rid of him.

You will 💯 have a claim on the house. You also have a child with him so like me, your DH is screwed financially if you divorce.

HBiz · 16/12/2024 20:01

I work for a domestic violence charity, make no mistake, his behaviour is abusive. Get advice and get out as soon as you can. Your children are young now but they will soon start to understand his behaviour towards you

StarkleLittleTwink · 16/12/2024 19:58

Your DH is an arse-hole.

katett77 · 16/12/2024 19:36

I’ve just caught up on this . I’d say your DH has cocaine issues. My ex behaved like this too. He’d cause a row to go and use as the desire was so strong for him, he’d be vile .
iIt is very common with addiction. Also the denial and shame and lack of apology. Up until 5am. All the signs are there. Please listen. He gets help or gets out!!!

jcsc · 16/12/2024 19:21

Absolutely end of the marriage. I know it’s easier said than done but in the long run you won’t have to put up with this shit. zero respect for you and your children. He’s an absolute dickhead. You can do better. You are better. Your children deserve better. You will find better.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 16/12/2024 19:17

Annabella92 · 15/12/2024 02:35

I hope you're making plans to seperate OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you, he has treated you with utter contempt and it would be over if someone treated me this way

My ex H after he came come drunk out of his mind at a ridiculous hour and woke me up screaming at me for taxi money. I didn’t have any and he was so abusive “What’s the point if you then, you dumb f*cking bitch” etc. I cried and cried. I was so shocked to be woken up like that and spoken to so horribly. He then passed out on the sofa after falling into the Christmas tree, smashing several crystal ornaments (I collect them - new one each year) and ripping a large part of the Christmas tree off. He proceeds to knock over the glass coffee table and smash some of my crystal wine glasses. All things I had collected over years and meant a lot to me.

I divorced him. I hate him for this almost 11 years later. It’s contempt. Utter contempt and no one should have to tolerate that behaviour.

Thalia31 · 16/12/2024 19:14

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

I’m so sorry you experienced this. But I’m genuinely worried about you he sounds manipulative, vindictive and devious. Not to mention cruel. I can’t imagine this is the first time he has pulled something like this. I just hope you stay safe.

Wolframandhart · 16/12/2024 18:57

You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved

This is chilling. He said you would have deserved to have been raped or murdered.

pomers · 16/12/2024 18:55

Arrange to see a solicitor as soon as possible and file for divorce. This is disgraceful behaviour from a man who has no interest in your marriage

Rockchicknana · 16/12/2024 18:42

Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:38

Open the door… it’s his birthday. It’s wrong to have the door closed.

he is totally wrong for inviting you for birthday drinks out when he really wanted to go out with friends.

Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy and there is bad communication going on between you both.

Wrong to have the door closed?? He left her to get home on her own so he could get pi**ed with his mates!!

DeedsNotDiddums · 16/12/2024 18:38

Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:38

Open the door… it’s his birthday. It’s wrong to have the door closed.

he is totally wrong for inviting you for birthday drinks out when he really wanted to go out with friends.

Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy and there is bad communication going on between you both.

What!?? She should open the door to this twat because it's his birthday??

PotatoLove · 16/12/2024 18:33

Sounds like you tried to do something nice and he acted like a complete knobhead. His attitude towards you is vile.
I hope that you're starting to see that you deserve so much better love ❤

Mumlifeofboys · 16/12/2024 18:26

I mean I don't know if this is a one of situation or if he is just an absolute plonker all of the time but I would seriously be thinking is this right for me! Anything could have happened to you! So disrespectful of him and no definitely don't open that door!! Hope you are ok! 💕

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/12/2024 18:13

"nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

LTB

CautiousLurker01 · 16/12/2024 18:09

Acc to Irish law, (as far as I can tell from the link) the split of the property is usually 50/50 once married, regardless of anything DH says, unless other factors are at play - for example the presence of children, whether the spouse who is not named on the deeds has also contributed to the mortgage or property development costs (new roof, extension, new kitchen etc). Ie, much to DH’s horror, OP is likely to get 50% minimum.

No fault divorce (I gather from a different link) does not mean that the court will not consider the circumstances when deciding the split of assets - ie, if OP can document/evidence the abuse, and state that this is why she is seeking a divorce now, then it actually strengthens her case for a larger share. I wouldn’t tell him that, though… I’d let him keep digging. Record any convos going fwd etc.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-other-relationships/property-rights-and-the-breakdown-of-a-cohabiting-relationship/

Property rights and the breakdown of a relationship

This page explains whether spouses and cohabiting partners have any property rights following the breakdown of their relationship.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-other-relationships/property-rights-and-the-breakdown-of-a-cohabiting-relationship

Toptops · 16/12/2024 18:08

LTB

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