Adult children taking the mickey?

I agree with this and find it really weird that you didn't have a conversation with her at the time.

OP can you respond regarding whether or not you communicated clearly to your daughter that there would be food?
Depending on this, it could be either rudeness or a misunderstanding, which are very different

I think there's got to be more to this, a back story of some sort. There often is. Doesn't mean OP is wrong, just that we're not getting the full picture.

According to OP the daughter was supposed to be coming at 3.30. OP your daughter was rude. I don’t know why so many posters are so determined to put you in the wrong.

What she did was rude and disrespectful and I would be making that clear, and expressing my hurt and disappointment to her so she understands.

But to refuse to ever host her again or attend events she organises where she puts on a buffet is massively over the top so I say yes, YABU.

There's got to be more to this.

Not for them - they all had a McDonalds at 3.30 ish.

No she didn’t. From the OP

My husband was fuming and said how would she feel if we rocked up an hour and fifteen minutes late and had called at a kfc before we arrived for her buffet.

This. All over a buffet.

The crucial thing is did they know you were giving them tea? and did they know they were expected at a certain time eg straight after school, rather than a more vague "after school" which could be any time. Finally is their back history of them coming and food not being offered, or substantial food not being offered?

All of this is relevant as to whether you dd did anything wrong. My ex mil you to invite us round and if there was food (she had form not not even offering biscuits) there would be barely enough for 4 toddlers let alone 2 adults and 2 teens so used to go to McDonald's on the way, just once we were caught out as she had a new slow cooker and had prepared a lovely hearty casserole and had bought crusty sourdough, I had to squeeze it down without making myself feel ill from over eating! What I'm saying is what you have done in the past is a factor as you s miscommunication. I would also suggest that if a buffet contains straight from freezer to oven foods that cook quickly, you don't cook until people actually arrive, far better that way

Doing a meal for 3.30 for us an odd time to eat! Do neither your daughter or her partner go to work-don’t people normally eat ‘after work’ time on a week day?

How had you communicated this plan with people? What did you actually say? Do you have them round a lot-do you know the kids will eat this type of food? Were other friends and family there or just them?

No. She didn’t.

Can't believe people ain't picking up on the fact that the daughter arrived 1hour 15 minutes late , that's incredibly rude let alone about the food

I think she was really rude. Even if she didn't know you were preparing food, or doesn't like your food, they all still turned up over an hour late.

If they had turned up on time, then you'd not have been kept waiting and even if they didn't like the food you'd prepared, they still could have gone to Macdonald's afterwards instead.

I understand why you’re upset OP but maybe she was worried a “buffet” wasn’t going to satisfy ravenous and tired DC after school. I agree it was thoughtless though. I wouldn’t bear a grudge but don’t bother making such an effort next time.

Seems like a huge overreaction to “never host her again “

No she didn't.

She said her daughter went to mcdonalds, then later compared it to if she (OP) went to KFC before one of her daughters catered events.

If they didn't know the word buffet then their mum should explain

I’d think really carefully about what you want to achieve, and then work backwards from that.

My initial reaction would be the same as yours. I’d feel hurt and offended.

In your position I think the most sensible and mature thing to do would be to consider whether there had been adequate communication ahead of the event and then if necessary raise it with her, I’d say as little as possible though and just try to frame it in a ‘trying to understand where the plans fell down and why’ kind of way. I’d also (without being too dramatic) let her know the impact it had on you, Then wait for her to reflect and respond.

It would be easy to react in a way that further damages your relationships with your daughter, her partner and even possibly your grandchildren so I would tread carefully but assertively. Least said, soonest mended.

That was really rude of her op.

You said they went to macdonalds then later said kfc. Make your mind up.

I think maybe she didn’t know there was hot food at 3.30pm? Did you say something like “pop in after school for my birthday” and not mention time or food?

we are invited for tea at 3.30 today and I am expecting tea, coffee, maybe some biscuits. Would be very surprised to see a lasagne coming out of the oven then.

I am wondering if the dc got into the car saying "I'm hungry" and dd said "It's ok we are going to Nanny for a buffet" and the hangry dc did not recognise the word and wailed until dd suggested fast food.
I love a buffet! I never realised there was such a thing as a hot buffet though.
It all sounds a bit disappointing and your feelings are hurt.
Why didn't you text dd or her dh?

Did she know?

I think it sounds extreme to never host your daughter and DGC, unless there is a massive backstory or she did it deliberately.

Did she know there will be a hot buffet? Are her children picky eaters?

Is your relationship with your daughter strained? I can't imagine my mum not talking to me about this if it was something that upset her.