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Original poster

To think my relationship is okay?

59 replies

O6bftdff · 14/12/2024 22:29

Just curious really after a conversation with friends.

I’m 36, and for a fair few years now I’ve had a very casual relationship with someone who started out as a good friend. We both own our own houses and have no thoughts of living together. We text several times a day, but only see each other every couple of weeks where we usually have a few drinks, play quizzes, darts, pool or whatever and stay at one of our houses. We never argue.

I’d walk away if I found out he had cheated, and I’m sure he would me. It started out a lot more casual fun maybe ten years ago, and a couple of times it’s been broken off because I’ve met another man who seemed to want a more conventional relationship. I always end up regretting it, the relationship fails and I go back to this man. After the last time it seemed to get slightly more serious and we wouldn’t see anyone else now, we go on holiday etc, but it remains casual.

I am happy. My friends think it’s not a real relationship and I should be demanding more of him, but honestly I’m happy with things as they are. Am I being foolish and will look back and regret not getting myself on Tinder to find someone who wants to do the whole living together, marriage thing?

OP posts:
Evaka · 15/12/2024 07:47

Honestly OP this sounds close to ideal if you don't want kids. Living with a man - as you've discovered- doesn't necessarily mean greater well being.

DP and I moved in together after a 2 year long distance during which we saw each other a similar amount to you guys and were in daily contact. It's fine living together but I honestly dream of my own space, less crap all over the flat and a sleeping alone. I love him to pieces but I think we'd both happily go back to living separately if finances allowed.

If you're honestly more or less content, just tune out your mates. They don't know what they're talking about.

Jk987 · 15/12/2024 07:34

The thing I'd want to be clear on is what if either of you met someone else who wanted a more serious relationship with?

You say this happened with you and you broke it off with him. Was he hurt? If he met someone, would you be hurt?

Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:53

If you’re happy then continue.

most people that are married are miserable… they want you to join their miserable club… don’t

only things to consider in this situation

  1. If you want children…. Which you don’t
  2. Finical support… which you don’t want?
  3. commitment… he may in 10 years go off with 20 something year old and get married and have kids….you may do the same. There is no commitment. Are you ok with this?
  4. who is your next of kin… I know that’s a strange question… but if you get ill or something happens to you.. who do you want to help you or who will look after your assets.

good luck

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/12/2024 06:40

But you might not find it horrendous with this chap?

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 02:15

TheBeesKnee · 15/12/2024 02:04

Why are you not in a conventional relationship together? Genuinely curious.

The thing that sits uncomfortably with me is that you've been in this situationship since your mid -20s if I understand you correctly? How old is he?

He’s 38.

Why? I guess because neither of us want to be. I did think it would be nice to be. I quite enjoyed the idea of living with a man and chilling with a film on a Sunday night and relaxing together on evenings, but that isn’t something he wanted and we weren’t exclusive. Then I met someone else who did want that sort of commitment and it was horrendous and I hated it.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 15/12/2024 02:04

Why are you not in a conventional relationship together? Genuinely curious.

The thing that sits uncomfortably with me is that you've been in this situationship since your mid -20s if I understand you correctly? How old is he?

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 01:59

TempestTost · 15/12/2024 01:46

I think it sounds fine OP.

The only thing I wonder is whether the two of you have talked about what you want, how much commitment there really is, and are on the same page?

If not I think I would do that. It would be horrible to find he sees it quite differently at some point, and it's easy to assume things that we shouldn't.

Hmm. I’m not sure what there really is to talk about. We know we don’t want kids. We know we’d be finished if either of us went with someone else. We know we’re happy living separately.

OP posts:
TempestTost · 15/12/2024 01:46

I think it sounds fine OP.

The only thing I wonder is whether the two of you have talked about what you want, how much commitment there really is, and are on the same page?

If not I think I would do that. It would be horrible to find he sees it quite differently at some point, and it's easy to assume things that we shouldn't.

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 01:43

janeavrilavril · 15/12/2024 01:28

the fact that you are asking, suggests you are aware there is something better out there. Sometimes we can settle but I don't know if I would have at just 36.

How is it settling though?

OP posts:
janeavrilavril · 15/12/2024 01:28

the fact that you are asking, suggests you are aware there is something better out there. Sometimes we can settle but I don't know if I would have at just 36.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/12/2024 00:49

@O6bftdff in that case why the need to question your current set up. It suits you. If your friends or family don't call it a 'real' relationship. You could reply with, 'what's one of those, washing someone's pants and hearing them snore every night?' They're probably a bit jealous.

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 00:44

BobbyBiscuits · 15/12/2024 00:24

The way you keep splitting with this guy when the chance of a more 'conventional' relationship comes up. When you say 'conventional' what is it that's missing from what you have with this guy?
Other than living together/marriage.
I think if you're happy with him then great. But I get the impression you might break it off for someone again like before? If the other bloke offered more commitment? Is your current guy just there because it's easy and he'll take you back if you do try to go elsewhere?

I wouldn’t say I keep doing it. I’ve done it twice in ten years, but on both occasions we were a lot more casual. The last time I thought I wanted more, and met a man who also did and so I broke it off.

My new boyfriend obviously wanted to stay over on weeknights and go to bed much earlier than I ever do, wanted to do things like shop together which I had no interest in, and oh my god the arguments. It was miserable, I missed the current man, and I rang him within a minute of us breaking up.

OP posts:
CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 00:41

Life is too short - if you’re happy and enjoying it, go for it!

Dweetfidilove · 15/12/2024 00:27

If you're happy, then it's nobody's business. Sounds liberating to me- all the best bits, none of the drudge.

XWKD · 15/12/2024 00:27

You seem to have a perfect relationship. If you don't want other things you don't need them.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/12/2024 00:24

The way you keep splitting with this guy when the chance of a more 'conventional' relationship comes up. When you say 'conventional' what is it that's missing from what you have with this guy?
Other than living together/marriage.
I think if you're happy with him then great. But I get the impression you might break it off for someone again like before? If the other bloke offered more commitment? Is your current guy just there because it's easy and he'll take you back if you do try to go elsewhere?

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 00:20

Monty27 · 15/12/2024 00:11

FWB? If you're happy with it why are you asking?

No, FWB are friends who have sex when they’re both single.. I’ve explained why I’m asking twice.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 15/12/2024 00:11

FWB? If you're happy with it why are you asking?

SpryCat · 14/12/2024 23:49

You said you’ve broken it off to be with someone who is interested in a more traditional relationship before but regretted it so I would say your happy

Original poster
O6bftdff · 14/12/2024 23:45

MuddyPawsIndoors · 14/12/2024 23:41

No, because they're in their 60s.

They're both widowed, both own their houses outright, both have grandchildren and very independent, full lives.

They've done mostly all they want to do with their lives, so their relationship is perfect as they're missing out on nothing.

Show quote history

What do you think I’d be missing out on being younger? (Asking genuinely, not sarcastically).

OP posts:
Original poster
O6bftdff · 14/12/2024 23:44

TTPDTS · 14/12/2024 23:24

Personally it doesn't sound like a relationship to me - more of a strong friendship? But if it makes you happy and fulfills what you want, I don't see why it can't be a relationship for you!

I'd probably make sure a real life friend in your situation was genuinely happy and if they were, not have a second thought.

No. I’ve got very good friends and I definitely don’t do with them what I do with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
O6bftdff · 14/12/2024 23:41

Endofyear · 14/12/2024 23:13

I think if you're happy and it works for you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks! Are you in love with him? Would you like to see him more often? Only you can decide if what you have is enough for you.

I do love him. In some ways I’d like to see him more, because I enjoy seeing him, but we both have busy social lives at weekends which I wouldn’t want to give up. I wouldn’t want to see him during the week.

OP posts:
MuddyPawsIndoors · 14/12/2024 23:41

O6bftdff · 14/12/2024 23:05

Does she regret it?

Show quote history

No, because they're in their 60s.

They're both widowed, both own their houses outright, both have grandchildren and very independent, full lives.

They've done mostly all they want to do with their lives, so their relationship is perfect as they're missing out on nothing.

FuckItItsFine · 14/12/2024 23:27

There are no rules about what a relationship should look like. If you’re happy with the set-up, why would you change because of what a friend thinks about it?

I think it’s good not to be too dependent on a partner and have a life outside of that.

Marriage can be claustrophobic for a lot of people.

PiggieWig · 14/12/2024 23:25

This would be my ideal relationship, however I’m at a slightly different life stage as I have young adult DCs living at home and a messy divorce behind me.

I really see the appeal though and if marriage and kids aren’t a driving force it sounds lovely.