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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my relationship is okay?

59 replies

O6bftdff · 14/12/2024 22:29

Just curious really after a conversation with friends.

I’m 36, and for a fair few years now I’ve had a very casual relationship with someone who started out as a good friend. We both own our own houses and have no thoughts of living together. We text several times a day, but only see each other every couple of weeks where we usually have a few drinks, play quizzes, darts, pool or whatever and stay at one of our houses. We never argue.

I’d walk away if I found out he had cheated, and I’m sure he would me. It started out a lot more casual fun maybe ten years ago, and a couple of times it’s been broken off because I’ve met another man who seemed to want a more conventional relationship. I always end up regretting it, the relationship fails and I go back to this man. After the last time it seemed to get slightly more serious and we wouldn’t see anyone else now, we go on holiday etc, but it remains casual.

I am happy. My friends think it’s not a real relationship and I should be demanding more of him, but honestly I’m happy with things as they are. Am I being foolish and will look back and regret not getting myself on Tinder to find someone who wants to do the whole living together, marriage thing?

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Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 16:07

AlertCat · 15/12/2024 15:52

Is it really just your friends’ comments that’s made you doubt yourself/the relationship? Or is there anything else going on? Because on the face of it your relationship is perfect- because it fits what you and your partner want. I’m wondering if there are any other issues coming up for you that maybe are driving this insecurity in your choice? Hopefully not, because it’s always lovely seeing someone in a relationship that’s working really well.

No, nothing else. It was just their comments wondering if Im being silly not to try and find something with more commitment. Societal expectations I guess.

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AlertCat · 15/12/2024 15:52

Is it really just your friends’ comments that’s made you doubt yourself/the relationship? Or is there anything else going on? Because on the face of it your relationship is perfect- because it fits what you and your partner want. I’m wondering if there are any other issues coming up for you that maybe are driving this insecurity in your choice? Hopefully not, because it’s always lovely seeing someone in a relationship that’s working really well.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 15/12/2024 14:42

You're both happy with it so that's good.

Life brings different things to different people and if you're happy enough and satisfied with the status quo then don't waste time worrying about whether or not you ought to be doing something else.

The truth is you may regret it someday. You also very well may not! You're only alive now so do what's right for you at this point in your life.

rubiconartist · 15/12/2024 14:38

I think it sounds great as long as you're both happy with it.

I think sometimes people feel a bit threatened or judged by others making different choices as if it somehow calls theirs into question.

Others just can't understand why you wouldn't want your life to be like theirs. Of course there's the 'you've never known love until you've had a child' brigade who can fuck right off.

My best friend has a similar relationship and they'll likely never live together but are really happy.
They see each other a little bit more often but generally a night at a time unless they're on holiday.

Collette78 · 15/12/2024 14:27

I think this sounds fine, you have a level of commitment as you are being exclusive and you’ve both obviously enabled the other to have trust which is key to any relationship.

People can be in “conventional” relationships but have jobs that keep them apart for months at a time etc.

I guess my only question would be if something happened, i.e a family bereavement or something awful, and one of you needed the other, would you drop everything (your social arrangements) to support eachother?

You are aligned in key things like not wanting kids etc so I don’t see what the e problem is. Ignore your friends as long as you are happy.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/12/2024 14:25

Sounds fab, frankly. This is exactly the relationship my mum had after she was widowed (very young, in her early 40s). They never lived together, but went on holidays and had a really lovely relationship. Neither wanted marriage or kids (she obvs had us though, but we were away from home). It lasted very happily for many years. Don’t mess if it ain’t broke, and don’t listen to others views on your life!

BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 15/12/2024 14:20

Sounds fabulous. You both know what you want, understand what the other wants and it works for you.

One day, something will change. As it does in every relationship. Even in the best marriage eventually death is a parting. But see so many other threads on here for what happens in the less than best relationships.

You are lucky. Enjoy it

Cooriedoon · 15/12/2024 13:52

Sounds perfect to me. It's certainly the only type of relationship I'd personally consider these days.
Traditional, sharing everything, living in each others pockets type relationships are not for everyone.
Maybe your friends are jealous you're not picking up his dirty underpants or cleaning his skid marks off your toilet.

ChaosHol1 · 15/12/2024 13:51

Who cares what anyone else thinks. It sounds like the relationship is making you both happy as it is and you get out it what you both want. Who cares if it's not what other consider conventional. Why should you be in a conventional relationship when you tried it and it wasn't for you. Your friends are rude to comment negatively on something that you are happy with.

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:49

smallsilvercloud · 15/12/2024 13:46

I'd just be very cautious, it's great you also want this casual relationship because it fits your lifestyle, however men normally want a casual relationship so they can see other women and not always be transparent about it, otherwise it would put you off, however you know him best and whether you trust him and whether it's fulfilling for you long term.

I trust him absolutely, as far as you can trust someone.

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Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:48

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2024 13:45

If he meets someone and wants children and the house etc. Obviously you would be upset but would it effect your life plans

No. That risk is obviously there if I was living with and married to him too though.

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MagpiePi · 15/12/2024 13:47

O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:41

I don’t mean casual as in open to seeing other people. Just casual in that it’s not serious as in talk of living together and marrying.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t consider it a casual relationship at all. You have mutually agreed expectations and boundaries which is more than a lot of cohabiting married people seem to have if MN is anything to go by.

It sounds ideal to me!

Onlyvisiting · 15/12/2024 13:46

Provided you are mutually agreed on not wanting children or a conventional cohabiting relationship and you are both agree that you are exclusive then it sounds fine to me!
Basically is the relationship you have now one you would be happy with for the next 50 years or are you wanting it to progress at some point?
Tbh reading thread in here makes me happier every day that i am single, so many miserable women in horrible relationships, and most the arguments and conflicts come from spending all your time together and sharing a house. You have neatly avoided all those but have a reliable companion, sounds amazing to me 😆

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:46

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2024 11:11

I think that says more about the man than the situation though, because mostly living with someone you love isn't horrendous

What did you hate about it?

Do you wish you saw this guy more often?

I moved in with DH after 4 months and now we're married with kids, I wouldn't have done it any other way BUT I really wanted kids. My way isn't the right way or the only way. Neither is your friends. If you are happy and content, if you feel loved and supported and are getting your needs met, then just tell her "in happy, it works for us" and ignore her critique

Show quote history

I didn’t live with the other man. We didn’t get anywhere near that, it only lasted a few months. I hated how he was at my house on weekdays and wanted to go to bed at 11 when I normally stay up till 1 or 2. It led to me either going to bed early and lying awake and bored, or staying up till my normal bed time and creeping around afraid to wake him up.

I hated how he wanted to go shopping with me. I hated how he wanted me to meet his friends and family. I hated actually meeting them. I hated how he whinged about wanting to see me more. Just didn’t enjoy any aspect of it.

I’d love to see him every weekend but we both also have social lives and plans with friends so every couple of weeks works out.

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smallsilvercloud · 15/12/2024 13:46

I'd just be very cautious, it's great you also want this casual relationship because it fits your lifestyle, however men normally want a casual relationship so they can see other women and not always be transparent about it, otherwise it would put you off, however you know him best and whether you trust him and whether it's fulfilling for you long term.

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2024 13:45

If he meets someone and wants children and the house etc. Obviously you would be upset but would it effect your life plans

MagpiePi · 15/12/2024 13:42

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/12/2024 06:40

But you might not find it horrendous with this chap?

But he would find it horrendous.

Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:41

albalass · 15/12/2024 11:01

I completely understand why you prefer to have a relationship where you live separately, only see each other at weekends etc.

The bit I personally wouldn't be comfortable with (and I'm only talking about myself here) is that it's casual. You can have the above and be in a committed relationship.

I don’t mean casual as in open to seeing other people. Just casual in that it’s not serious as in talk of living together and marrying.

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Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:40

Guavafish1 · 15/12/2024 06:53

If you’re happy then continue.

most people that are married are miserable… they want you to join their miserable club… don’t

only things to consider in this situation

  1. If you want children…. Which you don’t
  2. Finical support… which you don’t want?
  3. commitment… he may in 10 years go off with 20 something year old and get married and have kids….you may do the same. There is no commitment. Are you ok with this?
  4. who is your next of kin… I know that’s a strange question… but if you get ill or something happens to you.. who do you want to help you or who will look after your assets.

good luck

No, I don’t want children or his financial support.

No, of course I wouldn’t be okay if he went off with someone 20 years younger. But plenty of married men do this.

My father is currently my next of kin.

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Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:39

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/12/2024 06:40

But you might not find it horrendous with this chap?

True. But I don’t want to find out. I don’t want him round on weekdays, I don’t want to shop with him, I don’t want to share finances with him.

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Original poster
O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 13:38

Jk987 · 15/12/2024 07:34

The thing I'd want to be clear on is what if either of you met someone else who wanted a more serious relationship with?

You say this happened with you and you broke it off with him. Was he hurt? If he met someone, would you be hurt?

We weren’t exclusive when I met someone else. We are now. So I’m not sure how this is any different to if he met someone he wanted to be with more than me if we were living together and married. So yes, of course I’d be hurt.

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alfhroa · 15/12/2024 11:18

If it works for you that's great, if you're not wanting children then there is no time pressure, you can do this for as long as you like and if you change your mind it won't really matter, it only matters if you want kids really. It wouldn't be for me as I enjoy having a life partner, someone to live with etc, but that's not the only way to live.

I think the only 'risk', but no different to any relationship really, is if he changes his mind and wants something more conventional, either with you, or someone else. I would also want to analyse if this is something you genuinely want, or is it all he is willing to give you (I note you left for others but just want to go back to him). But that's all I'd think about really.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2024 11:14

TTPDTS · 14/12/2024 23:24

Personally it doesn't sound like a relationship to me - more of a strong friendship? But if it makes you happy and fulfills what you want, I don't see why it can't be a relationship for you!

I'd probably make sure a real life friend in your situation was genuinely happy and if they were, not have a second thought.

How many of your strong friendships involve fortnightly sex? Cos that's NOT how my friendships rock

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2024 11:11

O6bftdff · 15/12/2024 02:15

He’s 38.

Why? I guess because neither of us want to be. I did think it would be nice to be. I quite enjoyed the idea of living with a man and chilling with a film on a Sunday night and relaxing together on evenings, but that isn’t something he wanted and we weren’t exclusive. Then I met someone else who did want that sort of commitment and it was horrendous and I hated it.

Show quote history

I think that says more about the man than the situation though, because mostly living with someone you love isn't horrendous

What did you hate about it?

Do you wish you saw this guy more often?

I moved in with DH after 4 months and now we're married with kids, I wouldn't have done it any other way BUT I really wanted kids. My way isn't the right way or the only way. Neither is your friends. If you are happy and content, if you feel loved and supported and are getting your needs met, then just tell her "in happy, it works for us" and ignore her critique

albalass · 15/12/2024 11:01

I completely understand why you prefer to have a relationship where you live separately, only see each other at weekends etc.

The bit I personally wouldn't be comfortable with (and I'm only talking about myself here) is that it's casual. You can have the above and be in a committed relationship.