To not change Xmas plans after only being asked today?

dirtychailatte1 · 2024-12-14T20:31:41+00:00

DF asked today when we were coming to their house for Christmas. I said because they didn't ask I had assumed we were staying home for Christmas and would see them later before New Year. He was annoyed saying of course they expected us to come. We went there for the past two Christmases but arranged it much earlier. Practically and logistically it would be fine but I spent months not hearing anything and then planned in my head to be home because I assumed we weren't invited. AIBU to think it's too late to expect us to go?

Original poster

dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 09:00

Likewhatever · 15/12/2024 08:45

It’s a funny thing, Christmas. It rakes up grievances and tensions. But I would go because it’s your DF and you don’t seem to have any other specific unchangeable plans. After Christmas, see if you can find time to have a proper conversation with him on his own to clear the air. He won’t be around for ever and when he’s gone you’ll regret the time you wasted on silent resentment.

Thanks I think this is the most likely explanation. She also has a big issue with me which is unexplained, I've asked DH and he said there's no problem or 'it will all be fine', I asked her for coffee and she said she was too busy. All the family have noticed but obviously there's nothing I can do about it.

Turns out she is going to her family for the holidays so maybe now plans have changed. I think this has helped me pinpoint my issues - I either want to go and feel welcome and relaxed and happy, or just be at home, but not go home and be tiptoeing around tension and feeling unwanted and snapped at but then told I'm creating problems if I bring it up (which I know will be the case). I think being asked, but only at the last minute, but snapped at for my confusion and told we were invited before and of course we are expected, exemplifies the entire issue with our relationship.

OP posts:

WhatNoRaisins · 15/12/2024 09:00

I don't blame you for not wanting to go over given how he has treated you. I'm not a fan of people that don't bother with you throughout the year but then expect you to provide them with their Christmas vision when it suits.

Stick with your own plans and have the Christmas you want.

2025istheyear · 15/12/2024 08:52

I would be straight there no questions. Anything to get out of cooking myself. Sadly, it will be me cooking again (with help from DH). The joy on the teenage children’s faces home from Uni and telling me how much they love my cooking helps. But, if I could get away with not doing it I would 🤣

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 15/12/2024 08:50

It’s possible he didn’t mention it as he was planning to spend christmas with the special person but has now found out they have other plans. He may be backtracking

It’s your christmas too so you should spend it as you prefer, if he has other people due to come round you wont have left him alone

TorroFerney · 15/12/2024 08:49

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 05:49

So your dad has found someone he likes spending time with which is nice. At least he isn't on his own. You are feeling left out because he forgot your birthday, and are making a point.

I think you make a decision based on whether you want to go or not. Will you enjoy sharing his Christmas with his new friend? Will you relax or will you feel aggravated and awkward? Will you spoil his Christmas?

How does a parent forget their child's bloody birthday. Crikey your standards are on the floor. Well yes I am sure she is feeling left out as well she should.

Likewhatever · 15/12/2024 08:45

It’s a funny thing, Christmas. It rakes up grievances and tensions. But I would go because it’s your DF and you don’t seem to have any other specific unchangeable plans. After Christmas, see if you can find time to have a proper conversation with him on his own to clear the air. He won’t be around for ever and when he’s gone you’ll regret the time you wasted on silent resentment.

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 08:15

You clearly don't want to go. So dont

Marshtit · 15/12/2024 07:53

will you feel guilty and change your mind? which you can do, do you normally enjoy christmas with your DF?

Original poster

dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 07:34

Marshtit · 15/12/2024 07:29

you dont have to go if you dont want to - i guess - but who would your df celebrate with if you dont?

He said he's invited lots of other people. I asked why he didn't invite us at the same time and he said he probably did, but he definitely didn't

OP posts:

Original poster

dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 07:33

Thanks, this has been helpful. I think all the weirdness ie being distant and forgetting my birthday has put me on edge in general, so I was waiting to see if not being invited for Christmas was part of that. And then I gave up waiting and it was a relief to think, ok, we'll just relax and enjoy being at home. So then being invited/expected to go felt like everything was suddenly up in the air again. I think I just can't stand the tension of something being 'off' but not knowing what it is, so it felt kind of like, ok, we all know where we stand, and we just won't go, but now it's more confusing and I know if we go the tension will just hang around and if I ask will be told 'it's all fine'

OP posts:

Marshtit · 15/12/2024 07:29

you dont have to go if you dont want to - i guess - but who would your df celebrate with if you dont?

rwalker · 15/12/2024 07:25

They presumed as it seems to be a regular thing you going to them

can’t understand why you didn’t ask earlier

mistification · 15/12/2024 07:13

I think "planning in your head to stay at home" is irrelevant really.

If you would like to go, then go. If you'd prefer to stay home tell them that.

PenelopeSkye · 15/12/2024 06:37

My first thought was also that he was waiting to see if you would offer to host, but I saw your update saying your flat is tiny and you know if wouldn’t be that. In which case given he knows this, he probably just assumed you’d come to him. If he does all the prep work and cooking and pays for it, I think I’d be grateful in your position and offering to help, rather than cross he didn’t mention it sooner. All that said, it sounds like you have issues with him in general, so it runs deeper than that. I guess it comes down to whether you want to spend it with him and the new partner or not. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong in this particular scenario.

pizzaHeart · 15/12/2024 06:28

It’s difficult to say if it’s too late or not as it depends on circumstances: travel, pet sitting arrangements, time off work, other family dependants.
Do you think your DF inviting you because he wants you to sort everything out?
Do you think he wants to show ifff his family side in front of new relationship?
Or nothing like these and he just loves seeing you at Christmas?

Disclaimer. I wouldn’t like forgetting my birthday. I wouldn’t like it very much.

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 06:27

Have you made arrangements to host other people at home, bought the shopping etc? If not then I would think it’s safe that your DF made the assumption you were going there as it’s now the “norm”. Perhaps DF forgot to mention it to you? It does seem odd that you hadn’t mentioned it either

HoppityBun · 15/12/2024 06:15

dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 05:41

We're in a tiny flat so not expected to host. I specifically didn't mention it because things have been off for a while ie no acknowledgement on my birthday, but every time I ask am told it's all fine. The only reason I can think is DFs's new relationship, have barely seen him since then. So I wanted to wait and see, plus would prefer to stay home because it's been so tense.

I think that the tenseness you refer to is the key. Your OP refers to your DF asking when you’re going. Does that mean what time on Christmas Day or over the Christmas period? It sounds as though Christmas Day itself might now be too stressful but can you go on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? It’ll blow over. These things happen

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:15

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 05:49

So your dad has found someone he likes spending time with which is nice. At least he isn't on his own. You are feeling left out because he forgot your birthday, and are making a point.

I think you make a decision based on whether you want to go or not. Will you enjoy sharing his Christmas with his new friend? Will you relax or will you feel aggravated and awkward? Will you spoil his Christmas?

I think that’s a bit harsh. Most of us would feel hurt if our parent ignored our birthday.

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 05:49

So your dad has found someone he likes spending time with which is nice. At least he isn't on his own. You are feeling left out because he forgot your birthday, and are making a point.

I think you make a decision based on whether you want to go or not. Will you enjoy sharing his Christmas with his new friend? Will you relax or will you feel aggravated and awkward? Will you spoil his Christmas?

Original poster

dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 05:41

We're in a tiny flat so not expected to host. I specifically didn't mention it because things have been off for a while ie no acknowledgement on my birthday, but every time I ask am told it's all fine. The only reason I can think is DFs's new relationship, have barely seen him since then. So I wanted to wait and see, plus would prefer to stay home because it's been so tense.

OP posts:

NewName24 · 14/12/2024 21:41

Bizarre.

How can it be that no-one in your family has just said "What's the plan for Christmas this year?" at any point over the last 2 months or so.

I mean, no, it's not too late, but can you explain to us why you haven't said "What's the plan?" at some point.

ZenNudist · 14/12/2024 21:13

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/12/2024 20:37

If you've gone the last 2 years, wouldn't you have just messaged a few weeks ago when you started thinking about Christmas asking what the plans were and did they want you guys to go again?

This

It's your dad. Just talk to him to make plans

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/12/2024 21:10

I think with family the default is that you see each other. If you've done it for the last few years I'd kind of assume you would have been again, unless you had I laws you alternated with or whatever.

biscuitsandbooks · 14/12/2024 20:59

I find this a really odd way of thinking.

There's 10 days until Christmas - unless you've already made other plans, why would it be too late go?

FuckItItsFine · 14/12/2024 20:57

I agree with the others. You’re weird not to have mentioned it to them. Why presume when you can ask for clarification?