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Original poster

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/12/2024 20:44

Ignore all that blah blah bleating from your P.

Leave and don't look back. He has chosen his brother over you.

When you have all your belongings and you've separated your bank accounts, block your exP. He will try to wheedle you back by various means.

RadFs · 14/12/2024 20:39

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 20:20

Yes it is, it ends next summer. Do you think I need to try and get my name taken off before I go? I’ll take photos of the meters and get the name changed on the bills. Sorry if I sound dense, I’ve not actually lived with someone else before so feel a bit clueless. I’m still moving out next week but don’t want to end up lumped with more to pay

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Hi @Elise89 well done for taking the Decision to leave. You’ll have to take your name off the tenancy to fool proof yourself from anything they do to the house.

Manara · 14/12/2024 20:36

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 20:29

Thank you very much for this, I’ll call them first thing on Monday

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Follow up with an email so you have it writing as well. If no email, send a letter by registered post and keep a copy.

AngelicKaty · 14/12/2024 20:36

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:00

Thank you, I will get on with cancelling all the direct debits on Monday. I don’t want to be liable for their expenses any more. And I’ll be taking everything that I bought with me too as most of the furniture was bought with my money or came from my old flat when I lived alone.

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Hi OP, I'm sure you realise this so forgive me if I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but you need to change any bills for your current property in to your STBEx's sole name and have your name removed from any joint bills (as well as cancelling your DDs for all the bills) as simply cancelling your DDs doesn't end your liability to pay the bills that are in your name.
I have no idea how you've put up with this situation for so long and I hope you love your new home. 😃

Cherrysoup · 14/12/2024 20:30

florasl · 14/12/2024 20:24

If it is a joint tenancy only one party needs to give notice. I’d let the landlord know there has been a relationship breakdown and to ask for you to be removed otherwise you could be jointly liable for the rent.

This, ensure you’ve told the landlord.

Take every bit of food/drink/furniture/crockery you’ve ever bought, even if you subsequently get rid. 5 years is appalling! Your dp is an idiot.

Original poster
Elise89 · 14/12/2024 20:29

florasl · 14/12/2024 20:24

If it is a joint tenancy only one party needs to give notice. I’d let the landlord know there has been a relationship breakdown and to ask for you to be removed otherwise you could be jointly liable for the rent.

Thank you very much for this, I’ll call them first thing on Monday

OP posts:
florasl · 14/12/2024 20:24

If it is a joint tenancy only one party needs to give notice. I’d let the landlord know there has been a relationship breakdown and to ask for you to be removed otherwise you could be jointly liable for the rent.

Pootle23 · 14/12/2024 20:23

It makes me laugh when people blame covid for situations like this. We knew a couple who bemoaned they couldn’t get married because of Covid.

They have had four YEARS to sort something out, as has your BIL! He’s a user and pathetic, don’t blame you at all, enjoy your new home.

Original poster
Elise89 · 14/12/2024 20:20

8misskitty8 · 14/12/2024 20:16

is your current place a joint tenancy ? If it is you could’ve liable for any costs after you move out unless you’ve got your name removed.
Take dated photos of all the meter readings.

Good luck with your move.

Yes it is, it ends next summer. Do you think I need to try and get my name taken off before I go? I’ll take photos of the meters and get the name changed on the bills. Sorry if I sound dense, I’ve not actually lived with someone else before so feel a bit clueless. I’m still moving out next week but don’t want to end up lumped with more to pay

OP posts:
Lsquiggles · 14/12/2024 20:17

You will feel so relieved when you're finally in your new place and far away from them!

I don't see it as a loss but a win - you've been tip toeing around these men for 5 years, be free and prioritise you and your finances going forward 🥂

8misskitty8 · 14/12/2024 20:16

is your current place a joint tenancy ? If it is you could’ve liable for any costs after you move out unless you’ve got your name removed.
Take dated photos of all the meter readings.

Good luck with your move.

Original poster
Elise89 · 14/12/2024 20:12

BrendaSmall · 14/12/2024 19:59

if his residency address is elsewhere, he would have been allowed to travel back home at the start of covid, we had friends visiting from abroad and they had to return home!
Also how has he been allowed to stay in this country for so long now the UK are no longer part of Europe?

I know my ex has been in the uk since he went to uni here, so over 20 years. I don’t suppose he had any bother getting settled status. I’m unsure about his brother though. He does work or a week know company in a warehouse so I assume he sorted it otherwise they wouldn’t employ him. Although not my problem any more is it, they’re old enough to look after themselves

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 14/12/2024 20:09

Well done @Elise89 I think you need to say what you said to us, to your ex “oh yes, about me supposedly not thanking your brother - neither he nor you have thanked me for being your unpaid skivvy for 5 years” what a pair of absolute cretins. I would get out as soon as you can - wouldn’t leave them in the house alone for too long until you actually go. Oh yeah, and I’m usually Mrs Super Considerate of people doing nights and so on, but right now you need to get a couple of dustbin lids and bang them together under where they are sleeping and stomp round going “rah rah rah” making a racket 🙄😬😬

LBFseBrom · 14/12/2024 20:08

I echo that!

I don't get it, where does the brother get his money?from

Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 14/12/2024 20:02

Good for you.

Harshtruth1111 · 14/12/2024 20:02

BrendaSmall · 14/12/2024 19:59

if his residency address is elsewhere, he would have been allowed to travel back home at the start of covid, we had friends visiting from abroad and they had to return home!
Also how has he been allowed to stay in this country for so long now the UK are no longer part of Europe?

Valid points

BrendaSmall · 14/12/2024 19:59

if his residency address is elsewhere, he would have been allowed to travel back home at the start of covid, we had friends visiting from abroad and they had to return home!
Also how has he been allowed to stay in this country for so long now the UK are no longer part of Europe?

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 14/12/2024 19:57

Hang on, covid didn’t hit until March 2020 - his “christmas” visit was already 3 months long? Did that not ring some warning bells?

Manara · 14/12/2024 19:56

I’m still shocked that not only were you cooking for DP and washing his pants, you were doing this for his brother too. 😮

Original poster
Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:54

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 19:46

@Elise89 so… is the relationship now over too?

As you can’t move back the way after 5 years then think you can move forward again.
If you don’t end it you will have your b.f acting like your bil except it be on your own space.

I think it’s time for a clean break .

Yes it’s over as far as I’m concerned. He’s shown through his behaviour that he doesn’t care about me. He can say what he likes but his actions tell me what I need to know, and he doesn’t care about me at all. Clearly!

OP posts:
Goldbar31 · 14/12/2024 19:48

Good for you!
congratulations on your new home and I hope you enjoy it.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 19:46

@Elise89 so… is the relationship now over too?

As you can’t move back the way after 5 years then think you can move forward again.
If you don’t end it you will have your b.f acting like your bil except it be on your own space.

I think it’s time for a clean break .

Manara · 14/12/2024 19:43

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:00

Thank you, I will get on with cancelling all the direct debits on Monday. I don’t want to be liable for their expenses any more. And I’ll be taking everything that I bought with me too as most of the furniture was bought with my money or came from my old flat when I lived alone.

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Sorry to labour the pp’s point, but cancelling the direct debit is not enough, if any of the bills are in your name you need to contact them and have your name removed otherwise you may still be liable for the bills.

Harshtruth1111 · 14/12/2024 19:42

Of course he thinks your being unreasonable
Who's going to wipe his bum now
Ass

Sassybooklover · 14/12/2024 19:41

You are absolutely doing the right thing! Your BIL living with you for 5 years, and not contributing financially or in any other way is, quite frankly, disgusting! He should be utterly ashamed of himself (he clearly isn't!) and your partner is either happy with the arrangement or too weak to do anything about the situation. If this situation hasn't changed in 5 years, why would it suddenly change any time soon?!!! Leave your partner and his brother to it. I bet once your partner suddenly has to foot all the bills, his brother living there (rent free!) will soon be an issue!! Enjoy your own space!!