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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 22/12/2024 09:22

Ah OP the sweet smell of liberty!!
Well done! Enjoy being your own boss again.

Jenkibubble · 22/12/2024 09:15

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

WOW - his audacity

I couldn’t have lasted 5 years like this

YANBU

LBFseBrom · 22/12/2024 05:11

Elise89 · 20/12/2024 18:36

Thank you everyone for all your encouraging messages, I kept reading them throughout the week as it was pretty horrible. My ex decided to start accusing me of cheating and all sorts of other reasons as to why I was breaking up with him, and unsurprisingly wouldn’t accept the real reason. But I have moved!! I’m going to get a little Christmas tree in a pot tomorrow and can’t wait to make the flat homely and enjoy the peace, quiet and tidiness! I’m especially loving reading a book on my sofa under a blanket all on my own, so happy I finally did it!

Edited

You've done brilliantly, Elise, well done.

You are young, you'll move on but for now, hug yourself in your new little flat, it's a great feeling being free after all you've been through.

The new year promises to be a good one for you.

Sylvi6 · 21/12/2024 22:29

I have been taking advantage of, and if you need to recover as their both behaviour is hidden abuse I recommend Teal Swan Spotify podcasts.

Original poster
Elise89 · 21/12/2024 22:17

ResultsMayVary · 21/12/2024 21:49

She will be paying for 1/3 of food, far less power, 1/3 of washing etc She will be doing and paying far less.

Loan payments will be paying down a loan (not sure why you are meeting rent - she wouldn't be paying rent)

And she'll actually be able to make noise during the day which is priceless bliss

Show quote history

It kinda is and isn’t about money. It’s more that fact that my ex let me struggle and didn’t care, when there was a third adult in the house that could’ve been paying his fair share. He let me go without when it wasn’t necessary, which for me meant he didn’t really care about me. I’m not stingey and I never mind helping someone out but I don’t like being taken the piss out of! I’d rather pay for myself and only have to answer to me. Edit: sorry I quoted the wrong person!

OP posts:
peachesarenom · 21/12/2024 22:16

I'm so happy for you OP!

dijonketchup · 21/12/2024 21:55

This is such a heartwarming thread to read, well done you! 👏

Everyone does stupid things in their twenties. You did so well to learn from them and move on. You could have married him. Remember if you ever look back and think “why did I make that ridiculous decision? I was so dumb,” it just shows how far you have come and how much you have grown as a person. Have a lovely Christmas in your new flat.

ProfTeeCee · 21/12/2024 21:52

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Excellent call getting out of there!
What a freeloader. Enjoy your new home.

ResultsMayVary · 21/12/2024 21:49

devilspawn · 15/12/2024 20:15

It's a bit weird to say you're doing it for money reasons and then put yourself into a situation that costs you more. Not only in rent, but in food, utilities, responsibility, time spent cleaning on chores etc. I'm guessing money isn't actually the reason.

Edited

She will be paying for 1/3 of food, far less power, 1/3 of washing etc She will be doing and paying far less.

Loan payments will be paying down a loan (not sure why you are meeting rent - she wouldn't be paying rent)

And she'll actually be able to make noise during the day which is priceless bliss

AdoraBell · 21/12/2024 21:45

YANBU. Move out and enjoy your new home.

Iceboy80 · 21/12/2024 21:43

He is a disgrace for a man, you're doing the right thing.

Maybluebell · 21/12/2024 21:29

You've had a lucky escape it sounds like,
Good luck on your new chapter

ThisIcyHare · 21/12/2024 21:28

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:04

I forgot to add, these ‘men’ are early-mid 40’s, I’m late 20’s. He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas. I kept asking when his flight was but my partner never told me, then Covid hit and he couldn’t get a flight at all, whether to his other brothers or home. Although I was expecting him to leave as soon as lockdown etc was lifted and flights were operating again. But no!

Covid didn’t become an issue for flights till like mid March 2020? That’s a bloody long Christmas stay. Get rid, move on, enjoy your life gorgeous!

ResultsMayVary · 21/12/2024 21:28

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:00

Thank you, I will get on with cancelling all the direct debits on Monday. I don’t want to be liable for their expenses any more. And I’ll be taking everything that I bought with me too as most of the furniture was bought with my money or came from my old flat when I lived alone.

Show quote history

You will need to have your name taken off the bill / tenancy so you don't have an ongoing obligation to pay. Let the real-estate agency know you are leaving.

Wolframandhart · 21/12/2024 21:26

SeasideJane · 21/12/2024 19:15

Who is the person whovoted YABU???? the BIL? 😀

Sometimes i think people vote yabu because they are thinking ‘to have put up with this at all’ in their heads.

Washingupdone · 21/12/2024 21:22

🎄 Have a wonderful time around Christmas 🎄 in your new flat.🍾

Good idea of yours to postpone your holiday dates. Maybe recheck your name is off all the official rent papers, utilities, council rates, tv license etc.and get them all to confirm.

Hwi · 21/12/2024 21:22

Neither here nor there, just wanted to say you are a lovely person. Just lovely, Having read some questions on MN recently, about begrudging parents-in-law, own parents, stepchildren, husbands, etc., you stand out as a lovely person to have put up with it for so long and even ask if you were in the right to put an end to such piss-taking behaviour.

Fionuala · 21/12/2024 20:49

get out now

you know you have made the right decision so follow it through
don't waver
if you have the deposit for a flat you are fortunate so make the most of your good luck in this respect

AndMaEth · 21/12/2024 20:48

Well done! Too easy to say ‘i love you’ and ‘things will change’. The brother sounds like a loser, I’d be embarrassed to speand two nights on someone’s sofa without offering something in return but…..,5 years as a free loader!!!!! You’re DP sounds like he is too scared to stand up to his brother.

MikeRafone · 21/12/2024 20:48

make sure you tell council tax that you have moved out and give them your new address - you don't want to be on the previous address for council tax -if your ex doesn't pay you become liable if you don't get your name of the tax demand

usually you do it online

AngelontopoftheTree · 21/12/2024 20:43

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:40

A man is a man and is there to work and pay for it all. This is how I have done it and always will do. The one here likes it very much. Makes him feel like a man.

What on earth is this about?

MeridianB · 21/12/2024 20:41

Big festive hugs from me, @Elise89 You’ve done brilliantly and deserve happy times. Don’t look back!

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:40

A man is a man and is there to work and pay for it all. This is how I have done it and always will do. The one here likes it very much. Makes him feel like a man.

Myfluffyblanket · 21/12/2024 20:38

BaileyOC1982 · 21/12/2024 20:28

Who's the 1% that thinks this unreasonable 🤯

The ex , the bil , wasieverreallyhere and Zesty are amongst the 1% I guess .

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:37

Oganesson118 · 21/12/2024 20:14

Good for you. I promised my husband I would divorce him if his brother ever moved in with us.

lol, my bil is allowed only a Christmas meal, when the mil goes but he is single and has a nice little home which could finish ours ...lol you never know

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