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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
Fireworknight · 14/12/2024 19:01

Enjoy your new life, young, free, and single (and well done to your parents).

Isobel201 · 14/12/2024 19:00

How did he manage to stay and not get a flight for over two months before lockdown even started? Sounds like the boyfriend doesn't love you if he wants to support his brother instead.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:00

ForRubyRobin · 14/12/2024 18:57

If the bills are set up in your name, make sure you give the meter readings and have everything finalised for when you move out.
I would also take all the shopping I bought too as well as any items I purchased. Things that you need in your new home.

Thank you, I will get on with cancelling all the direct debits on Monday. I don’t want to be liable for their expenses any more. And I’ll be taking everything that I bought with me too as most of the furniture was bought with my money or came from my old flat when I lived alone.

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 14/12/2024 18:59

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:51

It’s sad in a way as I was really happy with the relationship before the brother moved in but it’s just spoilt for me now due to complete lack of consideration for me.

Edited

The overwhelming sentiment here is 'Well, you've recognised that you've been taken advantage of and exploited, so bloody well done on that and then having the guts to do something about it.'
Stay strong, you're doing marvellously.
Wishing you much happiness in your new home.

TickingKey46 · 14/12/2024 18:58

The thing is, you don't need a reason to leave him. You're unhappy that's all the reason you need.
Enjoy your new home.

ForRubyRobin · 14/12/2024 18:57

If the bills are set up in your name, make sure you give the meter readings and have everything finalised for when you move out.
I would also take all the shopping I bought too as well as any items I purchased. Things that you need in your new home.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:56

Gloriia · 14/12/2024 18:54

'He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas'

But it wasn't 'ours' it was your dp's place? Granted his db should've left but it was your ex's call to boot him out. He clearly wasn't bothered so you should've left ages ago. Good luck in your new place.

It was a joint tenancy. When we started dating I had a small flat on my own and my ex was in a house share in London. We both moved into a new house together which was supposed to be for the two of us, not three!

OP posts:
Gloriia · 14/12/2024 18:54

'He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas'

But it wasn't 'ours' it was your dp's place? Granted his db should've left but it was your ex's call to boot him out. He clearly wasn't bothered so you should've left ages ago. Good luck in your new place.

2024onwardsandup · 14/12/2024 18:53

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:36

Yes I did kind of think that, I know it’s wrong and I don’t know why I did, but that’s why I did those things. Perhaps it’s because that’s how it worked in my parents marriage. Although my mum has since left my lazy father who worked but never helped her round the house. I don’t want to let myself be like this again.

Edited

Welcome to the wonderful world of living in a modern liberal democracy where the patriarchy still takes advantage of women more than it should but where you really truly never need to wash a man’s clothes ever again - you’re gonna love it!

Polyp0 · 14/12/2024 18:52

Thank goodness you're getting out!

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:51

It’s sad in a way as I was really happy with the relationship before the brother moved in but it’s just spoilt for me now due to complete lack of consideration for me.

OP posts:
Mrsbloggz · 14/12/2024 18:48

I recon that without you as 'whipping boy' these 2 brothers will soon turn on each other OP.

RetroTotty · 14/12/2024 18:47

Mrsbloggz · 14/12/2024 18:06

I think you've been set up OP, these 2 blokes have been grooming you so that they have a free live in maid/sugar mummy.

I agree. It's sickening, isn't it.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:45

Jostuki · 14/12/2024 18:42

Five years and no privacy?

Wishing you all the best in your new home where you can walk around naked and sing and dance to your hearts content!

I’m so looking forward to this!! The brother works nights 3 nights per week and they get grumpy when I make noise in the day and wake him because they’re dicks.

OP posts:
Mrsbloggz · 14/12/2024 18:44

Power to you OP, you're not an idiot, you've seen the light & recognised the truth very quickly. Think how free & relaxed you'll feel without these 2 millstones around your neck!

Jostuki · 14/12/2024 18:42

Five years and no privacy?

Wishing you all the best in your new home where you can walk around naked and sing and dance to your hearts content!

TonTonMacoute · 14/12/2024 18:40

Five years?!!! One would have been enough for me.

You will be well out of it, leave the pair of them to it. The fact that DP is trying to make you feel guilty speaks volumes.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:36

2024onwardsandup · 14/12/2024 18:15

I honestly don’t understand why you would wash his clothes and cook his dinner. Genuinely - why would you do that? Do you think it’s somehow your responsibility as a woman to keep your partner and his brothers clothes keen and cook for them?

why? It bewilders me that women still think this. Especially when they do t have children and there is not abuse and they genuinely can leave without fear.

how can he love you if he expects you to clean his and his brothers clothes? That’s just not love.

Yes I did kind of think that, I know it’s wrong and I don’t know why I did, but that’s why I did those things. Perhaps it’s because that’s how it worked in my parents marriage. Although my mum has since left my lazy father who worked but never helped her round the house. I don’t want to let myself be like this again.

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 14/12/2024 18:35

lol I’m just imagining those two sad sacks after you leave — mountains of laundry, filthy kitchen & loo, mess everywhere and them blaming you for the lot of it.
Well done, @Elise89and I hope this brings you the peace of mind and happiness you so richly deserve.

Ja428 · 14/12/2024 18:34

What a total waste of space both of them sound. The fact that they are in their 40s and you are much younger makes it 10x worse.

Stand firm, start your new life in your new flat with no losers allowed over the threshold. I’m astonished that you lasted 5 years with these man children. It’s almost like you were their mummy.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:34

MounjaroOnMyMind · 14/12/2024 18:07

Ugh, I don't blame you at all! I couldn't have lasted that long.

Does your partner work? Does he contribute financially?

He does, he earns quite a bit more than me. Which is why I thought it fair for him to pay the rent while I paid the bills and food. We live in a commuter area and rents are really expensive. However I realise that really wasn’t fair, as he has loss left over every month and I have nothing. Id prefer to be on my own as at least I’d be paying for myself only.

OP posts:
Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:31

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 17:54

he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

It's interesting how many women on here say something horrible, or shocking, or shameful, or ugly a man has done to them and end it with LOL or haha or 😂

What you're doing is trying to cover up the cognitive dissonance of knowing something is dreadfully wrong and doing it anyway. Next time you're tempted to LOL about something awful, try to say the same thing completely deadpan. Sit with the feelings.

He has never thanked you for washing his pants. For five years. Sit in that place. And then don't think about why he did that, that piece is obvious. Think about why you did that. The first time you did his laundry and he didn't say thanks, why did you do it a second time?

I know a woman who is much older than me. She said when she got married she wanted to be a good wife and made her DH a packed lunch for work. He came back and critiqued it. She never made him a lunch again. Not once in decades of marriage. They are happily married. In part because of her boundaries.

Do not make this mistake again. Come here and ask if you have to. But don't sleepwalk into being a servant again.

You’re so right, I definitely won’t let this happen again. I think I try and see the funny side because otherwise I’d just feel awful. Really I do feel awful about myself for letting this carry on for so long, I feel like an idiot who’s let myself be taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 14/12/2024 18:30

Fucking good for you OP! Save this thread and re-read it whenever you feel weakness for him. He used you. I bet you ended up paying more into the house than he did

Itiswhysofew · 14/12/2024 18:29

I am shocked at what I've just read. Where do these people come from?!

It's great that you're moving out & good luck in your new home.

ManhattanPopcorn · 14/12/2024 18:29

He doesn't love you. They are both using you. That's not love.

Well done you for taking back control of your own life. Hold firm. You deserve so much better.