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AIBU?

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To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
tachetastic · 14/12/2024 19:41

StopStartStop · 14/12/2024 19:28

How will you get your stuff out of the house? Won't they object?

.

pompey38 · 14/12/2024 19:39

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:36

He lived in their home country which is in Europe. Now I reckon he never intended on going back. I think it’s hard to find work in their home country and there’s no financial support for the unemployed like there is here, so I’m guessing he couldn’t support himself at home anyway and just brought his clothes here for his “visit” with no intention of going back. Over the summer we did actually go on holiday to their home country so he could’ve stayed! It’s one of the things that made me want to break up to be honest. My ex complained that I didn’t thank his brother for paying for a few meals out on holiday, and I just thought he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

Edited

I’ m sorry but if he’s from an European country and came over in 2019, has he got the papers to be able to work( nino, residency etc) , him and your partner probably knew all along he’s not going back

StopStartStop · 14/12/2024 19:35

@Elise89 good plan, good luck!

AdmittowearingCrocs · 14/12/2024 19:34

Well done on getting out and I hope you are very happy in you’re new home.
Make sure you take your name off the tenancy of the current house as well as taking meter readings and ending your responsibility for the gas, electric, water, council tax, internet and television licence. Leave them with all the bills to sort out. Take any food and laundry products you have paid for and make sure you take all towels, bed linens and other items you paid for or came from your previous home. Let them stew in the mess of their own making.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:33

StopStartStop · 14/12/2024 19:28

How will you get your stuff out of the house? Won't they object?

I’ve not actually passed my driving test yet, but I’ve booked a van and my best friends husband is going to drive it and help me move stuff, so I think it’ll be ok if they are both there with me

OP posts:
AngryLikeHades · 14/12/2024 19:30

The both of them are wet wipes, your BIL a free loading one too.
Well done to you!!!

ShouldIEvenBother · 14/12/2024 19:29

FUCKING HELL

OP, along with everyone else here who has read this... I am so glad you are leaving.

Please relish your freedom for these lazy weirdo twits.

AND - no more pant washing.

I hope you enjoy your new home!

StopStartStop · 14/12/2024 19:28

How will you get your stuff out of the house? Won't they object?

Silvertulips · 14/12/2024 19:22

He’s just realized what he’s lost! His maid, laundry, cook, cleaner -

Shut that door and don’t look back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 19:20

Take the sofa, tip it, take a picture and stick it to your new fridge.

Mmmmmmmm petty.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:19

StarrySquawk · 14/12/2024 19:13

How have DB and BIL reacted to you saying you're leaving?

Is BIL even apologetic?

The brother pretty much says nothing anyway, so has been predictably silent. My partner, well ex really, has been trying to get me to change my mind but it’s not going to happen, it’s been too long and I’ve had enough of it. Although he’s not actually apologised, just promised things will change which I think is BS to be honest

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2024 19:18

Good for you OP. I’m flabbergasted you lasted five years, but you’ve given them more than enough time to sort themselves out. This is not on you - leave them to it and get on with your life.

dontcryformeargentina · 14/12/2024 19:17

He is a user. Selfish and entitled. Older men don't change by the way. I hope you learned your lesson here.

StarrySquawk · 14/12/2024 19:13

How have DB and BIL reacted to you saying you're leaving?

Is BIL even apologetic?

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 19:07

Please tell me the sofa is yours and you're taking it. Grin

It certainly is and I will be! Although I may just tip it and get a new one, it’s sagging in his area 😂

OP posts:
tachetastic · 14/12/2024 19:10

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:07

Thank you so much. I was thinking I might cancel some of my Christmas annual leave so I’m not sitting in the flat alone feeling empty. Might be better to be at work and save the holiday for something I’ll enjoy in the summer.

That sounds like a really good plan. 👌

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:07

tachetastic · 14/12/2024 19:03

Man here.

Well done for seeing the light and do not weaken.

Your BIL is a user and your soon-to-be-ex is spineless. Neither of them deserve you giving them the time of day, never mind cooking for them and cleaning up after them.

Just promise yourself to spend the next 12 months enjoying being single and taking care of just you before you try another relationship. There may be times in the next few weeks when your new flat feels quiet and your day may seem a bit empty. Find ways to enjoy that and spoil yourself. Do not rush into another relationship or, worse still, be tempted to come back to this one. You have made the best decision of your life. Stick to it.

Thank you so much. I was thinking I might cancel some of my Christmas annual leave so I’m not sitting in the flat alone feeling empty. Might be better to be at work and save the holiday for something I’ll enjoy in the summer.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 19:07

Please tell me the sofa is yours and you're taking it. Grin

Lemonadeand · 14/12/2024 19:06

“Things will change,” 🙄. Honestly! Either the brother moves out or he doesnt, and he didn’t.

IWishIWasABaller · 14/12/2024 19:06

Dump the old fella too and enjoy being young & single . Wishing you happiness in your new home

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:05

Isobel201 · 14/12/2024 19:00

How did he manage to stay and not get a flight for over two months before lockdown even started? Sounds like the boyfriend doesn't love you if he wants to support his brother instead.

Exactly, that’s why I reckon he didn’t intend to leave in the first place. I can’t even remember now as it was so long ago but I would have thought I’d have said something at the time and some kind of excuse was made. I’ve definitely grown up since then so won’t accept that again.

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 14/12/2024 19:04

Good luck OP, and well done.

tachetastic · 14/12/2024 19:03

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 18:51

It’s sad in a way as I was really happy with the relationship before the brother moved in but it’s just spoilt for me now due to complete lack of consideration for me.

Edited

Man here.

Well done for seeing the light and do not weaken.

Your BIL is a user and your soon-to-be-ex is spineless. Neither of them deserve you giving them the time of day, never mind cooking for them and cleaning up after them.

Just promise yourself to spend the next 12 months enjoying being single and taking care of just you before you try another relationship. There may be times in the next few weeks when your new flat feels quiet and your day may seem a bit empty. Find ways to enjoy that and spoil yourself. Do not rush into another relationship or, worse still, be tempted to come back to this one. You have made the best decision of your life. Stick to it.

Starzinsky · 14/12/2024 19:03

Probably be the best decision of your life. Wishing you future happiness. You deserve better.

ForRubyRobin · 14/12/2024 19:02

Maybe use a home moving checklist you can find online, so you don't forget to do anything. Good luck in your new home.