Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
AngelontopoftheTree · 24/12/2024 13:56

Redyrun · 23/12/2024 09:48

DP , BIL , ABQ , VSW , MPO , STC
WTF ??

Show quote history

Just to add for you... TV is television Xmas Wink

Tanjamaltija · 24/12/2024 13:26

Of course you are being unreasonable - who will do for him now that you are out of there? Not his lazy brother, that's for sure...

Lampzade · 23/12/2024 14:58

Well done Op

Washingupdone · 23/12/2024 14:55

ABQ, Always Be Questioning
STC Subject To Contract
MPO Metropolitan Planning Organization

why don’t you look them up on google like I am found at the hairdresser?

Gloriia · 23/12/2024 11:10

Redyrun · 23/12/2024 09:48

DP , BIL , ABQ , VSW , MPO , STC
WTF ??

Show quote history

Dp - partner. Bil - brother in law.

Where have you seen ABQ, VSW, MPO and STC?

Redyrun · 23/12/2024 09:48

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

DP , BIL , ABQ , VSW , MPO , STC
WTF ??

YourRealAquaOP · 22/12/2024 16:03

Good for you just go let them live together your other half will soon get fed up with paying all the bills,don't be guilt tripped by him he's just feeling sorry for himself,if you stay it will remain the same.Five years I can't believe you've waited so long he obviously thinks more of him than you Good Luck.

jannier · 22/12/2024 14:44

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:10

It certainly is and I will be! Although I may just tip it and get a new one, it’s sagging in his area 😂

Show quote history

I'd have cut all the springs and left it for them to sit on then dump. Hopefully with one up his arse.

jannier · 22/12/2024 14:37

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:36

He lived in their home country which is in Europe. Now I reckon he never intended on going back. I think it’s hard to find work in their home country and there’s no financial support for the unemployed like there is here, so I’m guessing he couldn’t support himself at home anyway and just brought his clothes here for his “visit” with no intention of going back. Over the summer we did actually go on holiday to their home country so he could’ve stayed! It’s one of the things that made me want to break up to be honest. My ex complained that I didn’t thank his brother for paying for a few meals out on holiday, and I just thought he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

Edited
Show quote history

I'm surprised you didn't say it. They are a pair of users enjoy your new life

Charity322 · 22/12/2024 14:33

I vote to get a cat! Okay, you'll still have someone whose every whim you have to serve, but you'll get more snuggles. XD

Skybluepinky · 22/12/2024 14:13

U have more than served yr time.

Mumlifebalance · 22/12/2024 14:00

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Don't tell DP until the last possible minute. You don't want him to talk you out of it.

PokerFriedDips · 22/12/2024 13:40

Brilliant news that you are out of there. Have a lovely Christmas. I hope your ex and his brother come to a more sensible arrangement now they can't rely on you to take up the slack - but if they don't it's not your problem. Sounds like you've been used as a live-in housekeeper for 5 years. The only unreasonable thing you have done was to tolerate this for so long.

Fronkens · 22/12/2024 13:36

Find a "normal " guy and have a family in your own, not two toddlers in their 40s.

Fronkens · 22/12/2024 13:33

Why do you even ask on here? This is literally bat shit crazy from these men. I can't believe someone would support this type of behaviour for two weeks let alone 5 years. I feel uncomfortable staying at some else place for two days, let alone for holidays. And then 5 years? Run. Don't look back. This is coming from a guy.

EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2024 13:32

JHound · 22/12/2024 13:02

I am surprised even one person thinks you are unreasonable! Good for you - the brother is a freeloader and the husband enables him. I get an extended stay due to Covid but 5 years? I moved country in that time!

Maybe they think the OP’s unreasonable for having stood it that long?

JHound · 22/12/2024 13:03

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:04

I forgot to add, these ‘men’ are early-mid 40’s, I’m late 20’s. He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas. I kept asking when his flight was but my partner never told me, then Covid hit and he couldn’t get a flight at all, whether to his other brothers or home. Although I was expecting him to leave as soon as lockdown etc was lifted and flights were operating again. But no!

Oh honey that makes it worth. The whole point of dating an older man is for him to have his ish together!

JHound · 22/12/2024 13:02

I am surprised even one person thinks you are unreasonable! Good for you - the brother is a freeloader and the husband enables him. I get an extended stay due to Covid but 5 years? I moved country in that time!

Lifeisbetterbythesea · 22/12/2024 12:36

Don't feel bad...you've done only good things for 5 years!! ( it's them 2 users who should feel bad) It's no laughing matter really the way you've been treated but I understand (your LOL) Lesson learned please don't ever let this happen again you deserve so much better... that being said you might think about staying single for a while and treating yourself to a nicer life spending your hard earned money on you and your new home...Enjoy creating your new home & life you deserve it & never look back
Best wishes🌠🌠💕

OrchardBlack · 22/12/2024 12:18

Merry Christmas OP! It's a wonderful feeling isn't it. There may be ups and downs but if you ever feel lonely or stressed, just remember the relief you felt and the stress you no longer have to deal with.

We're proud of you, here's to a wonderful 2025 for you 🍸

AngelicKaty · 22/12/2024 12:05

Elise89 · 21/12/2024 22:17

It kinda is and isn’t about money. It’s more that fact that my ex let me struggle and didn’t care, when there was a third adult in the house that could’ve been paying his fair share. He let me go without when it wasn’t necessary, which for me meant he didn’t really care about me. I’m not stingey and I never mind helping someone out but I don’t like being taken the piss out of! I’d rather pay for myself and only have to answer to me. Edit: sorry I quoted the wrong person!

Edited
Show quote history

So what's happened about the tenancy @Elise89 ? Was the landlord and your ex happy to release you from it?

NarcoosseeLover · 22/12/2024 11:04

Two men in their forties, expecting a woman in her twenties to run around after them, cooking and cleaning and working to keep them, is absolutely vomit inducing to me.
And for the last five years! So you would have been early to mid twenties when this started.

I have a niece in her mid twenties and I can’t imagine what I’d do if a couple of forty year olds were doing this to her.

I’m so happy to see you’ve moved out, you have your privacy, you have your independence, your freedom. You don’t have to wait on other people, or pick up their dirty laundry. Your money is going on you. I hope you continue to feel relaxed and happy in your new space and glad you’ve dumped the pair of these wasters.

Codlingmoths · 22/12/2024 10:23

Thursdaygirl · 22/12/2024 09:27

Merry Christmas OP! I do wonder what will happen to your ex and his brother in the new year, but not your problem now!

It makes me snigger thinking of the ex having to front all the shopping and bills or FINALLY ask his brother to contribute.

BabyBlue777 · 22/12/2024 10:08

Definitely, you are not being unreasonable. This is the problem when you move into someone's home, they see it as their home. It is obviously not truly your home, as that BIL is still there. Getting your security will put you in the driving seat of your environment. 5 years is way too long. The brother is taking the Michael. Another way you could have got him out, is just go on sex strike. Say, I won't have sex until he is gone. Men are highly motivated by the kitty cat HAHAHAHAHAHA

Thursdaygirl · 22/12/2024 09:27

Merry Christmas OP! I do wonder what will happen to your ex and his brother in the new year, but not your problem now!