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Original poster

To just cancel the meeting if this friend doesn't confirm tonight?

89 replies

suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 16:48

I have a new friend who tends to change plans all of the time. Let's say we decided to meet for coffee a week ago and chose a time, date and place. She will then contact me several times throughout the week to make changes and adjustments.

I do believe that she wants to meet me because she initiates most meetings, but the change of plans is driving me crazy. I have already told her that it would be great if she'd confirm earlier, because her last minute planning is difficult for me to manage as I also want to spend time with family and have chores to do. I don't have many friends here yet and that is maybe why I'm trying again and again but wondering if I should just not bother anymore? She is a nice person, but even though I have told her that this is hard for me it doesn't seem to change.

Our most recent conversation for a meeting tomorrow went like this:

She wrote on Monday if I would like to meet this weekend. I said: "Sure" and asked her if she had something specific in mind. She said she'd like to go for coffee and suggested a cafe she likes. I asked her if time X fit her and she said "yes". So for me it was arranged and I looked forward to it. I have a busy week and she contacted me on Wednesday again asking if I wanted to do something else (bowling) at a different time and in a different place instead. I told her that I would prefer to stick to the original plan as I know from experience she always tries to change things and I'm stressed out by it, which she knows. She said "okay". On Friday she contacted me again saying that she couldn't get a table at this cafe. I had previously asked her if I should make the reservation as I have done lots of bookings for our meetings before, but she said she'd take care of it. So she told me we'd have to go to another place and she picked one that is two tube stations away from the original place so that was fine by me.

Today she contacts me again and says that she wants to meet earlier because the new cafe is further away and she wants to spend more time with me. But for me it is inconvenient to change the time yet again and the new cafe is less than 10 minutes away from our original meeting place. It also closes at 8 pm so we'd have lots of time. The replies to my last thread also helped me stay strong and not cave in again, so thanks for that (it is here, if you'd like to read it, I listed another conversation that we had earlier so you can see how it always goes: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090 )

She is now not repyling anymore, since I told her that I want to stick to the original time. Would you just go there tomorrow at time X or not? If she confirms tomorrow, should I go or cancel due to her giving me such short notice? She knows it stresses me and that I can't plan the rest of my day, e.g. go for breakfast with my family or book a sports class.

Sorry, this thread probably doesn't portray accurately how stressful it is, maybe also read our conversation before this one in the other thread. She always does this and it's so hard for me not knowing when we will meet and if we will meet as I can't plan things around our meetings. It's like she wants me to sit around all day and wait and not be able to arrange other things. We're also in London, so if she changes the location this can add lots of time to the journey as it is a huge city.

Thanks a lot for helping. It feels so good to just tell someone. She often doesn't write either, but sends long voice messages and it just stresses me out to listen to them several times per week and rearranging plans again and again.

What do I do? Go there? Wait for a reply? Cancel if she doesn't answer tonight? Or should I tell her again?

Planning a day and some red flags - am I the problem? | Mumsnet

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090

OP posts:
SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 20:31

suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 18:32

Thank you all, I just sent the text.

Well done OP, you’ve had a lucky escape x

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 19:45

I already told her, but it hasn't changed. I can tell her again tomorrow.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 14/12/2024 19:41

Depends on how much you enjoy actually meeting her. I have a dear friend who had a real problem with committing to plans. I Came to loathe the expression ‘let’s play it by ear?’

So I just told her that no, I can’t operate like that. I have to have a plan and stick with it. Obviously sometimes there’s an exception and plans change but mostly no, you make a plan and stick to it.

She sounds like a spur of the moment type and you aren’t. So tell her tonight that this is stressful for you. See what she says.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 19:30

If you must go tomorow . After that jist I gnome her messages. You owe this perosn nothing

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 14/12/2024 19:28

Just be busy.

FrogsLoveRain · 14/12/2024 19:28

It's making her feel important as she's calling the shots.

Changing plans constantly is confirming that.

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 19:28

She has replied "yes!" with 4 smiling emojis.

I'm honestly still so upset/stressed that I don't feel much like going, but I don't want to be like her and change things last minute. I think I will go tomorrow and then just not meet up again.

In the future, should she contact me again and ask for meetings, what should I reply? Just that I can't make it? At the moment I really don't want to do this again, it stressed me all week.

OP posts:
Original poster
suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 18:49

TulipCat · 14/12/2024 18:42

I think this is called "passive controlling", as in she wants to run the show, and the way she does that is by making you dance to her tune. She knows you don't have many friends so sees you as an easy target for her self-absorption. Drop her.

Edited

Thanks, I will google this.

I don't think she knows, because the topic hasn't come up. But I do think she is trying to control me, after having read all of the comments. So probably best to focus on meeting new people.

OP posts:
Marine30 · 14/12/2024 18:47

No no no! I just read the other thread and she sounds rude and nasty. Swerve this one OP - she’s not good news.

TulipCat · 14/12/2024 18:42

I think this is called "passive controlling", as in she wants to run the show, and the way she does that is by making you dance to her tune. She knows you don't have many friends so sees you as an easy target for her self-absorption. Drop her.

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 14/12/2024 18:39

Crunchymum · 14/12/2024 16:59

You could have just added this to the other thread?

I know you don't have many friends but does this mean you're willing to put up with being treated badly?

(The other thread actually gives more context - the comments about the trousers / food and the expectation you go out of your way to join her on her journey instead of making your own way somewhere are reason enough to let this friendships fade, let alone the constant changing of plans!!)

This.

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 18:32

Thank you all, I just sent the text.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 18:04

I would make a decision right not that you are NOT meeting her tomorrow.
Draw a line under it now
Take the pressure of yourself thinking about it

She was happy when she could be fickle and change like the wind now you have said no she has chosen to ignore you . plenty reg flags with this “friend “

Op put your attention to someone else. .

mumda · 14/12/2024 18:03

Next time...if you decide to carry on.. say yes to her first plan and say instantly. That's great I'll be off for an appointment after that so it works well for me.

Then don't alter it. Say you've booked something else to do later (hair maybe or to meet someone else)

BellissimoGecko · 14/12/2024 17:59

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2024 17:47

I would just cancel anyway.

She doesn't sound 'spontaneous', she doesn't even sound flaky - she sounds like a self-absorbed narcissist for whom all other people are just walk-on supporting cast in the blockbuster Film Of Her Life. She may like to think of herself as spontaneous, but really she's just controlling. She likes to have people running around doing her bidding; that's what all these change-of-plans are - devices to make you dance to her tune.

I know you've said about not having many friends, but really - this woman is not a friend to you. I doubt she's a friend to anyone.

This!!

Marine30 · 14/12/2024 17:56

My sister is a bit like this so I really feel your pain. It’s frustrating and irritating when people make a plan and then constantly change or amend it.
I mainly grit my teeth with my sister because she’s nice in lots of other ways and I don’t see her much as we live far apart - and she is family. I guess for you you have to decide if this friend is worth the headspace.
You did the right thing suggesting this is the final plan, it’s this or nothing. If she doesn’t respond I think you’ve had a lucky escape. It will be like this every time you meet I can guarantee it.

VWT5 · 14/12/2024 17:50

When she next suggests meeting, fix the time like you did this time - but then add “that’s great, because I am committed to things either side of that in the morning and the afternoon - which I can’t change. This time slots in perfectly”.
Make her aware at the outset that you have other actual “commitments” the same day. (and you can’t let other people down).

If she later decides can’t make the time, you reschedule. Then you have educated her.

I had to learn this trick the hard way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2024 17:47

I would just cancel anyway.

She doesn't sound 'spontaneous', she doesn't even sound flaky - she sounds like a self-absorbed narcissist for whom all other people are just walk-on supporting cast in the blockbuster Film Of Her Life. She may like to think of herself as spontaneous, but really she's just controlling. She likes to have people running around doing her bidding; that's what all these change-of-plans are - devices to make you dance to her tune.

I know you've said about not having many friends, but really - this woman is not a friend to you. I doubt she's a friend to anyone.

SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 17:43

suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 16:48

I have a new friend who tends to change plans all of the time. Let's say we decided to meet for coffee a week ago and chose a time, date and place. She will then contact me several times throughout the week to make changes and adjustments.

I do believe that she wants to meet me because she initiates most meetings, but the change of plans is driving me crazy. I have already told her that it would be great if she'd confirm earlier, because her last minute planning is difficult for me to manage as I also want to spend time with family and have chores to do. I don't have many friends here yet and that is maybe why I'm trying again and again but wondering if I should just not bother anymore? She is a nice person, but even though I have told her that this is hard for me it doesn't seem to change.

Our most recent conversation for a meeting tomorrow went like this:

She wrote on Monday if I would like to meet this weekend. I said: "Sure" and asked her if she had something specific in mind. She said she'd like to go for coffee and suggested a cafe she likes. I asked her if time X fit her and she said "yes". So for me it was arranged and I looked forward to it. I have a busy week and she contacted me on Wednesday again asking if I wanted to do something else (bowling) at a different time and in a different place instead. I told her that I would prefer to stick to the original plan as I know from experience she always tries to change things and I'm stressed out by it, which she knows. She said "okay". On Friday she contacted me again saying that she couldn't get a table at this cafe. I had previously asked her if I should make the reservation as I have done lots of bookings for our meetings before, but she said she'd take care of it. So she told me we'd have to go to another place and she picked one that is two tube stations away from the original place so that was fine by me.

Today she contacts me again and says that she wants to meet earlier because the new cafe is further away and she wants to spend more time with me. But for me it is inconvenient to change the time yet again and the new cafe is less than 10 minutes away from our original meeting place. It also closes at 8 pm so we'd have lots of time. The replies to my last thread also helped me stay strong and not cave in again, so thanks for that (it is here, if you'd like to read it, I listed another conversation that we had earlier so you can see how it always goes: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090 )

She is now not repyling anymore, since I told her that I want to stick to the original time. Would you just go there tomorrow at time X or not? If she confirms tomorrow, should I go or cancel due to her giving me such short notice? She knows it stresses me and that I can't plan the rest of my day, e.g. go for breakfast with my family or book a sports class.

Sorry, this thread probably doesn't portray accurately how stressful it is, maybe also read our conversation before this one in the other thread. She always does this and it's so hard for me not knowing when we will meet and if we will meet as I can't plan things around our meetings. It's like she wants me to sit around all day and wait and not be able to arrange other things. We're also in London, so if she changes the location this can add lots of time to the journey as it is a huge city.

Thanks a lot for helping. It feels so good to just tell someone. She often doesn't write either, but sends long voice messages and it just stresses me out to listen to them several times per week and rearranging plans again and again.

What do I do? Go there? Wait for a reply? Cancel if she doesn't answer tonight? Or should I tell her again?

And this too… manipulative behaviour, Princess of Lateness, ‘I’ll turn up when I’m ready…

“Definitely. She was late once too, 30 minutes. I wouldn't have minded so much, but she didn't apologise and only contacted me to say she was late 10 minutes after we were supposed to meet, so didn't know what was happening.
She always wants us to take the tube together even though it is inconvenient for me as I live closer to another station and when she was late she said that if we had taken it together it wouldn't have happened. I don't really know what to make of this behaviour. I like her, but maybe for my sanity it is better to let it go”

… Again OP, please offload her, she’s already causing you stress, she’s of no benefit in your life, she’ll screw your up.

WinterFrog · 14/12/2024 17:39

She sounds a bit more like another friend ( more an acquaintance these days) The one I mentioned above is flaky but lovely. The other one, I could never give a reason/ excuse to about anything, because she would come up with a 'solution'. It's very difficult to say no to that kind of thing. If I was more blunt she'd get upset and tell me I was rude. We drifted apart in the end and I was glad to let it happen. I am older and wiser now, but my younger self found it quite difficult!

SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 17:37

suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 16:48

I have a new friend who tends to change plans all of the time. Let's say we decided to meet for coffee a week ago and chose a time, date and place. She will then contact me several times throughout the week to make changes and adjustments.

I do believe that she wants to meet me because she initiates most meetings, but the change of plans is driving me crazy. I have already told her that it would be great if she'd confirm earlier, because her last minute planning is difficult for me to manage as I also want to spend time with family and have chores to do. I don't have many friends here yet and that is maybe why I'm trying again and again but wondering if I should just not bother anymore? She is a nice person, but even though I have told her that this is hard for me it doesn't seem to change.

Our most recent conversation for a meeting tomorrow went like this:

She wrote on Monday if I would like to meet this weekend. I said: "Sure" and asked her if she had something specific in mind. She said she'd like to go for coffee and suggested a cafe she likes. I asked her if time X fit her and she said "yes". So for me it was arranged and I looked forward to it. I have a busy week and she contacted me on Wednesday again asking if I wanted to do something else (bowling) at a different time and in a different place instead. I told her that I would prefer to stick to the original plan as I know from experience she always tries to change things and I'm stressed out by it, which she knows. She said "okay". On Friday she contacted me again saying that she couldn't get a table at this cafe. I had previously asked her if I should make the reservation as I have done lots of bookings for our meetings before, but she said she'd take care of it. So she told me we'd have to go to another place and she picked one that is two tube stations away from the original place so that was fine by me.

Today she contacts me again and says that she wants to meet earlier because the new cafe is further away and she wants to spend more time with me. But for me it is inconvenient to change the time yet again and the new cafe is less than 10 minutes away from our original meeting place. It also closes at 8 pm so we'd have lots of time. The replies to my last thread also helped me stay strong and not cave in again, so thanks for that (it is here, if you'd like to read it, I listed another conversation that we had earlier so you can see how it always goes: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090 )

She is now not repyling anymore, since I told her that I want to stick to the original time. Would you just go there tomorrow at time X or not? If she confirms tomorrow, should I go or cancel due to her giving me such short notice? She knows it stresses me and that I can't plan the rest of my day, e.g. go for breakfast with my family or book a sports class.

Sorry, this thread probably doesn't portray accurately how stressful it is, maybe also read our conversation before this one in the other thread. She always does this and it's so hard for me not knowing when we will meet and if we will meet as I can't plan things around our meetings. It's like she wants me to sit around all day and wait and not be able to arrange other things. We're also in London, so if she changes the location this can add lots of time to the journey as it is a huge city.

Thanks a lot for helping. It feels so good to just tell someone. She often doesn't write either, but sends long voice messages and it just stresses me out to listen to them several times per week and rearranging plans again and again.

What do I do? Go there? Wait for a reply? Cancel if she doesn't answer tonight? Or should I tell her again?

I’ve also read your ‘previous post’.
Please please dump this ‘friend’. It’s a new friendship and she’s already trying to manipulate you. I don’t like her back door bullying tactics either regarding your purchase of trousers and your planned dinner. Either she’s jealous of you, or she’s one of those people who gets off on pushing people around.
She’ll drain you, you’ll always be on edge in her presence, is that what you call a friend?
Bless your heart OP, close the door on her, she’s a bully, you are worth more xx

UpUpUpU · 14/12/2024 17:33

She sounds like he’s work OP. I personally wouldn’t put up with the swapping and changing and absolutely wouldn’t change my tube. If she wants to travel together have her come to you!

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 17:29

WinterFrog · 14/12/2024 17:25

I have a friend like this. I'm very fond of her, but she does this too. I've known her over 30 years. What i do is arrange with her to meet x place, x time, and just say no sorry I can't do that if she starts making changes. It means we sometimes don't meet for several months, but it's the only way I can keep the friendship and stay sane. I take a book too as more often than not, she's late!
I'm pretty flexible with other friends!
It's very frustrating isn't it?

Definitely. She was late once too, 30 minutes. I wouldn't have minded so much, but she didn't apologise and only contacted me to say she was late 10 minutes after we were supposed to meet, so didn't know what was happening.

She always wants us to take the tube together even though it is inconvenient for me as I live closer to another station and when she was late she said that if we had taken it together it wouldn't have happened. I don't really know what to make of this behaviour. I like her, but maybe for my sanity it is better to let it go.

OP posts:
WinterFrog · 14/12/2024 17:25

I have a friend like this. I'm very fond of her, but she does this too. I've known her over 30 years. What i do is arrange with her to meet x place, x time, and just say no sorry I can't do that if she starts making changes. It means we sometimes don't meet for several months, but it's the only way I can keep the friendship and stay sane. I take a book too as more often than not, she's late!
I'm pretty flexible with other friends!
It's very frustrating isn't it?

Spondoolies · 14/12/2024 17:24

I would say something like - I think you are a more spontaneous person than me as I find it a bit stressful to keep changing the plans, can we just try to stick to the original plan in future?