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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just cancel the meeting if this friend doesn't confirm tonight?

89 replies

suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 16:48

I have a new friend who tends to change plans all of the time. Let's say we decided to meet for coffee a week ago and chose a time, date and place. She will then contact me several times throughout the week to make changes and adjustments.

I do believe that she wants to meet me because she initiates most meetings, but the change of plans is driving me crazy. I have already told her that it would be great if she'd confirm earlier, because her last minute planning is difficult for me to manage as I also want to spend time with family and have chores to do. I don't have many friends here yet and that is maybe why I'm trying again and again but wondering if I should just not bother anymore? She is a nice person, but even though I have told her that this is hard for me it doesn't seem to change.

Our most recent conversation for a meeting tomorrow went like this:

She wrote on Monday if I would like to meet this weekend. I said: "Sure" and asked her if she had something specific in mind. She said she'd like to go for coffee and suggested a cafe she likes. I asked her if time X fit her and she said "yes". So for me it was arranged and I looked forward to it. I have a busy week and she contacted me on Wednesday again asking if I wanted to do something else (bowling) at a different time and in a different place instead. I told her that I would prefer to stick to the original plan as I know from experience she always tries to change things and I'm stressed out by it, which she knows. She said "okay". On Friday she contacted me again saying that she couldn't get a table at this cafe. I had previously asked her if I should make the reservation as I have done lots of bookings for our meetings before, but she said she'd take care of it. So she told me we'd have to go to another place and she picked one that is two tube stations away from the original place so that was fine by me.

Today she contacts me again and says that she wants to meet earlier because the new cafe is further away and she wants to spend more time with me. But for me it is inconvenient to change the time yet again and the new cafe is less than 10 minutes away from our original meeting place. It also closes at 8 pm so we'd have lots of time. The replies to my last thread also helped me stay strong and not cave in again, so thanks for that (it is here, if you'd like to read it, I listed another conversation that we had earlier so you can see how it always goes: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090 )

She is now not repyling anymore, since I told her that I want to stick to the original time. Would you just go there tomorrow at time X or not? If she confirms tomorrow, should I go or cancel due to her giving me such short notice? She knows it stresses me and that I can't plan the rest of my day, e.g. go for breakfast with my family or book a sports class.

Sorry, this thread probably doesn't portray accurately how stressful it is, maybe also read our conversation before this one in the other thread. She always does this and it's so hard for me not knowing when we will meet and if we will meet as I can't plan things around our meetings. It's like she wants me to sit around all day and wait and not be able to arrange other things. We're also in London, so if she changes the location this can add lots of time to the journey as it is a huge city.

Thanks a lot for helping. It feels so good to just tell someone. She often doesn't write either, but sends long voice messages and it just stresses me out to listen to them several times per week and rearranging plans again and again.

What do I do? Go there? Wait for a reply? Cancel if she doesn't answer tonight? Or should I tell her again?

Planning a day and some red flags - am I the problem? | Mumsnet

I have a new friend whom I've known for a few months. She's a nice person, but we've met a few times now and the way she plans meetings is driving me...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5229148-planning-a-day-and-some-red-flags-am-i-the-problem?reply=140495090

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 15/12/2024 17:45

She sounds like a really difficult person from what you've said.

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 15/12/2024 17:45

@SeAmableSiempre Thanks for your comment! I think I didn't mind because I was so relieved that I could leave. I don't know why I feel slightly guilty, but I've made the decision to not meet her again.

OP posts:
SilverBlueRabbit · 15/12/2024 17:42

I think best to leave it. It really ought not be this stressful to meet up for a coffee.

I used to have a friend who sounds remarkably similar. And whenever we would meet up (after alot of changes and faffing about) somehow someone else she knew was alway either there as well or would arrive and clearly had had this arrangement made. The second last straw for me was when turned up for a lunch date a few minutes before 1 pm after being texted 10 minutes before that she had changed the plan and was now somewhere other than where we had planned to meet and i arrived and found she was with a couple of other people and they all had already finished their lunch.

The very last straw was similar but was just a step too far after all the shitting about she had put me through.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/12/2024 17:40

She's not the right person for you if she makes you feel drained. Good for you for moving on from this one.

SeAmableSiempre · 15/12/2024 17:40

suzettenoisette · 15/12/2024 17:16

Just a little update:

We met for breakfast this morning in a nice part of London. When we arrived we found out that the cafe she picked was fully booked. I asked her if she had made a booking, she said it wasn't possible. I was surprised because she changed plans short notice because her original choice of cafe was booked, so I assumed she had made sure this time that tables were available. I had offered to make a reservation for the original choice, but she had declined.

We had to take the bus, but new place we found was nice. I ordered a croissant and tea. I went to the counter to get the tea and she then asked me if it was my first croissant or my second. I found that a bit odd, but decided to shrug it off.

She then told me that her contract was terminated. She is 33 and at uni, she was supposed to graduate in the summer, but didn't complete an exam. She is now doing an internship in a hotel that was supposed to last about 3 months, but they let her go after just a month. I asked her why and they said that she was told that she didn't provide good customer service and that the customers weren't happy with her. I felt really bad for her actually. I hope she will find a new internship.

The last thing that happened was that a woman she knew showed up at the cafe. She was a cousin of a friend, if I understood correctly. I was bringing back the dishes to the counter and helping her with hers, but when the woman showed up she told me that it was fine and that I could leave if I wanted to and she would stay a bit longer at the cafe with the woman. I didn't really mind because I had finished my breakfast and we were about to leave anyway.

I feel like a bad person because I don't want to meet her anymore even though I think she is struggling a bit with keeping a job, her degree etc., but I always feel drained and sad after meeting her. Probably should have listened to you and not have gone at all. Will close this chapter now. Thanks again so much for your help.

I think you know what you need to do.
They let her go at the hotel after only one month, the customers weren’t happy with her… I’m not surprised, she’s vile, and it’s her fault not yours.
She was supposed to graduate in the summer but didn’t complete the exam… her fault not yours.
She asked you if it was your first or second croissant… she was preparing to bully you batter your confidence.
When another friend turn up she told you you could leave, basically she dismissed you, she had no further need of your company… and you didn’t mind?!!! And you feel like a bad person 😱
Only you can decide if you are going to continue to allow this person to insult you, walk all over you, dismiss you, disrespect you, and treat you like the 💩 under her shoe.
You’ve had a lot of good advice that you should get this person out of your life and run a mile from her. Its your choice whether you take it.
If you want to keep feeling bad, drained, stressed, sad, bullied, unworthy, then keep right on seeing her… it’s your call.
Keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got”.

Original poster
suzettenoisette · 15/12/2024 17:29

Forgot to mention that I told her about my aerobics class and she said she'd like to come. I told her that I prefer to do sports by myself and she told me that she'd still like to come at least once, ignoring my answer. So guess she will contact me again, but I will not meet her again.

OP posts:
Original poster
suzettenoisette · 15/12/2024 17:16

Just a little update:

We met for breakfast this morning in a nice part of London. When we arrived we found out that the cafe she picked was fully booked. I asked her if she had made a booking, she said it wasn't possible. I was surprised because she changed plans short notice because her original choice of cafe was booked, so I assumed she had made sure this time that tables were available. I had offered to make a reservation for the original choice, but she had declined.

We had to take the bus, but new place we found was nice. I ordered a croissant and tea. I went to the counter to get the tea and she then asked me if it was my first croissant or my second. I found that a bit odd, but decided to shrug it off.

She then told me that her contract was terminated. She is 33 and at uni, she was supposed to graduate in the summer, but didn't complete an exam. She is now doing an internship in a hotel that was supposed to last about 3 months, but they let her go after just a month. I asked her why and they said that she was told that she didn't provide good customer service and that the customers weren't happy with her. I felt really bad for her actually. I hope she will find a new internship.

The last thing that happened was that a woman she knew showed up at the cafe. She was a cousin of a friend, if I understood correctly. I was bringing back the dishes to the counter and helping her with hers, but when the woman showed up she told me that it was fine and that I could leave if I wanted to and she would stay a bit longer at the cafe with the woman. I didn't really mind because I had finished my breakfast and we were about to leave anyway.

I feel like a bad person because I don't want to meet her anymore even though I think she is struggling a bit with keeping a job, her degree etc., but I always feel drained and sad after meeting her. Probably should have listened to you and not have gone at all. Will close this chapter now. Thanks again so much for your help.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 15/12/2024 07:09

You asked what we thought you should do in the future. I would tolerate an awful lot, too much, if I had moved and was making friends from scratch. I have done that and do not recommend i. I’ve learned to start any new friendships as I want them to be and compromise little, just respectfully move on until I meet like minded people.

So I think at your next meeting pay close attention and see if there is anything about her that outweighs her awful annoying behaviour.

IF there isn’t, wind things up as quickly as you can without being rude and tell her it’s good to have met her but you won’t be seeing her again. Then keep walking.

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 06:46

Ella31 · 14/12/2024 16:50

I'd send one last message saying "friend this is the time and place I'll be at. Can you just confirm tonight or else we'll reschedule another time. "

People like her wreck my head

This

You really shouldn't have to but for your own sanity I would.

CheeryPlum · 15/12/2024 06:44

I had a friend who did this. Every single arrangement would change several times.

Often she'd found something better to do and she'd say. 'I'm doing xxx on Wednesday instead. Do you want to come?'

Keeping our original plan was never an option. I stopped bothering with her. That's not a friendship, I was just the back up plan if nothing else came along.

IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 05:48

She sounds like way too much hard work, OP. I understand if something crops up and an adjustment of different time/place etc would be easier, but every time? And making continual adjustments? That's showing a lack of respect for you. Also her with the tube thing. She sounds too self-absorbed and lacking in consideration.

HoundsOfHelfire · 15/12/2024 05:42

You just need to change the way you coordinate things with her. Arrange a time and place with her and tell her you’ll assume it’s going ahead unless she tells you otherwise. Any changes respond with let’s stick to the original plan please, I’ll assume you can make it unless you say otherwise.

This way you assume it’s going ahead unless directly told otherwise.

She sounds like she may have ADHD, so it maybe something she does unintentionally and not be specific to you. More a reflection on how she manages her diary. However Brest put your own boundaries in so that it’s manageable for you.

‘

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/12/2024 05:03

What a pain in the ass. Why are you even bothering with this?

daisychain01 · 15/12/2024 01:58

I couldn't be doing with so much brain-power just to meet up for a coffee.

why does she think you need to book a table in a cafe, ridiculous.

I met up with my friend yesterday for our normal pre-Christmas catch up. I sent a WA message at the start of the week, we agreed the venue (choice of 3 cafes in town) and day/time which was 1 exchange of WAs. On the day, it was "see you at 3.30pm". Done, no way would either of us mess about changing it numerous times, we both have busy lives and neither of us wants to inconvenience the other.

this friend is a liability, time to reconsider whether they're worth all the hassle nope

eightIsNewNine · 15/12/2024 01:40

I don't see why you consider it that evil and why you can't plan the rest of your day.

Agree on one option which works for you, plan the rest of your time, and if a change request comes, just say "this doesn't work, I have something else planned".

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 01:33

SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 20:38

I wouldn’t go, and you’re under no obligation to offer an explanation or respond to any further invites. If it were me I would remove her contact details from everything and block her. Remove this person from your life, she’s toxic.

Show quote history

This!

Normallynumb · 15/12/2024 00:43

I commented on your other thread, but I'll say it again. Please get rid of this woman
Friends should not stress you out trying to arrange a simple time and place to meet and you deserve better

I think she enjoys pushing you around.
You need to find friends who reciprocate

Monty27 · 15/12/2024 00:27

TulipCat · 14/12/2024 18:42

I think this is called "passive controlling", as in she wants to run the show, and the way she does that is by making you dance to her tune. She knows you don't have many friends so sees you as an easy target for her self-absorption. Drop her.

Edited

You make the first arrangement and stick to it. Otherwise completely forget the waste of time reschedule.

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 00:25

Not at all it sounds so frustrating

FrogsLoveRain · 15/12/2024 00:15

Have you heard back from her?

lto2019 · 14/12/2024 21:09

I have a friend a little like this - although not as bad. She would often suggest meeting - and the place and time and then push the time back, change the place and then be late. I let it slide a couple of times as it made little difference to me. The third time, I felt like it was my time was less important and I could just adapt to her and I said no lets leave it and we will meet another time, I've things to do. She was very apologetic and has been fine since

slightlydistrac · 14/12/2024 20:43

She's a pain in the arse. Friends are not supposed to be this much hard work.

Terrribletwos · 14/12/2024 20:42

Really op, she is causing you stress so just cut contact and remove her from your life and feel no guilt...I assure you she will survive perfectly well. Take care.

SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 20:40

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/12/2024 18:04

I would make a decision right not that you are NOT meeting her tomorrow.
Draw a line under it now
Take the pressure of yourself thinking about it

She was happy when she could be fickle and change like the wind now you have said no she has chosen to ignore you . plenty reg flags with this “friend “

Op put your attention to someone else. .

This is the best advice!

SeAmableSiempre · 14/12/2024 20:38

suzettenoisette · 14/12/2024 19:28

She has replied "yes!" with 4 smiling emojis.

I'm honestly still so upset/stressed that I don't feel much like going, but I don't want to be like her and change things last minute. I think I will go tomorrow and then just not meet up again.

In the future, should she contact me again and ask for meetings, what should I reply? Just that I can't make it? At the moment I really don't want to do this again, it stressed me all week.

I wouldn’t go, and you’re under no obligation to offer an explanation or respond to any further invites. If it were me I would remove her contact details from everything and block her. Remove this person from your life, she’s toxic.