To just cancel the meeting if this friend doesn't confirm tonight?

I used to have a similar friend. My issue was she’d arrange to meet at say 10am for a coffee but she never wanted to leave! So every time I made moves to leave she’d say “oh let’s just get another drink! Let’s go to that pub over the road for one! Let’s go into that shop on the way home!” I always felt kind of bad saying no when I didn’t really have anything else to do. But some days I’d still be with her at 5pm! It was almost as long as a working day when we’d only arranged a “coffee”. If I ever suggested meeting in the afternoon she’d moan that we wouldn’t have long to talk. Honestly, after 7 hours on a weekly basis we were rapidly running out of things to talk about anyway! She was also an “overstayer” if she came round. Would arrive at midday and occasionally was still there at midnight! It got to the point I used to get stressed whenever she’d ask to meet because even when I’d told her I couldn’t do these “all day” meets, she would insist this time she only meant a coffee/lunch and she’d always invent a reason she also needed to leave, but when it came to it I’d get guilt tripped into staying longer and her “reasons” for leaving had miraculously been changed or cancelled.

The final time I saw her she had suggested a breakfast in a cafe followed by the cinema. We met at 8am because she said she needed to be home by 2 for an appointment. Well of course we had breakfast, watched the film and she suggested a quick drink in the pub (it was midday). I agreed but only had a coffee. At 1 I suggested we should get going. Her 2pm appointment had now been “cancelled” and she said we should get lunch. I agreed. (I know I’m an idiot). At 4pm I said I was leaving. I told her I did not want to get stuck in rush hour traffic. Her suggestion was waiting until AFTER rush hour to leave!! So potentially another 3 hours! Which would take me up to almost 12 hours with her!! Despite the fact she’d said she wanted to meet early because she was busy later. It was all just bollocks. I don’t know if she was unhappy or had reasons she didn’t like being at home. But anyway at 4pm I just left. She told me I was being ridiculous and boring. I haven’t seen her since. She sent me a long ranting message about me “abandoning her” and clearly not wanting to see her etc etc. I never replied.

The only time she ever left early was if she had a better offer. Once she suggested an early morning coffee at 9am. I arrived and she said she needed to leave by 9.30 as she had a date. I asked why she didn’t just cancel our coffee as it took me longer to get there than it would to drink it now. She just shrugged and said she still wanted to have a quick coffee and cake before her date.

I wouldn't message ending the friendship. Therein lies opportunity for her to promise she'll change, guilt trip you further and up the drama. She sounds very manipulative. I would wait til she contacts you then be vague, but say you don't have time at the moment. Don't ask her about her life. Don't reply straight away either. If she tries to push it, you have my permission to block her. 😊

Definitely concentrate on new social settings - you’ll have so much free time now that you don’t have to be thinking of this woman and constantly rearranging things with her! Have a look and see what’s available to you locally - maybe a walking group, book club, art class? Or maybe the local library wants volunteers?

Imagine she was posting here.

I’ve recently made a new friend. She seems happy for me to endlessly change our arrangements to meet up, even last minute. I’m often late, make passive aggressive comments regarding her eating habits & am happy for her to leave if another friend shows up.

I screwed up my degree, was fired from an internship & can’t accept a drug addict I was dating no longer wants a relationship with me. This latter issue has triggered my stalker tendencies, which I can see I’m now transferring onto my new friend.

I don’t know why but this friend seems to accept my poor treatment of her. Weirdly she even seems to feel sorry for me, & guilty if she doesn’t continue to see me. I’m wondering if she’s a rescuer?

This whole friendship is deeply unhealthy. I’d simply block her. You don’t need a farewell, you don’t owe her an explanation. If you can’t bring yourself to do this you seriously need to ask yourself why.

Imagine how much better your life will be without her.

Personally I’d say no need to message to end the friendship. Just say whatever days don’t suit and don’t initiate any meet ups. It’ll fade out rather than bring her on you, as such.

If you feel the need then block her number. But I’d just let it fade out…

From what you've said, I doubt slow fading her will work. You probably need a direct message and then immediately block. If you don't she'll harass you, you'll feel guilty, she'll suck you back in or you'll reach out when you don't have anyone to meet and think "she couldn't have been that bad could she?" And you're back to square one.

I get that making friends in London can be hard but thats what you need to focus on. Its been 5 months since you first posted so what efforts and progress have you made in cultivating other friendships in that time? It's the perfect time of year for outdoor activities, open air theatre, lates at museums - focus on finding someone who shares your interests and isn't so self absorbed.

But her behaviour, boundaries, preferences etc are outside your control. The only behaviours you can change here are your own. You were writing exactly the same thing back in December. If you don’t alter things, I can guarantee you’ll be writing similar posts in December 2025. It’s your choice to engage or not.

You’re just not compatible, and you sound vulnerable, otherwise you wouldn’t be ‘stressed out all week’ by a possible coffee at the weekend, or trailing around London to be on the same tube and engaging in endless faff about booking café tables to have a cup of tea and a croissant with someone you don’t appear to like. You mention having breakfast with family and a sports class as things impacted by changing weekend arrangements —why not prioritise those? I could see someone else being ok with more fluid arrangements or clashing communication styles, but this doesn’t work for you, so just stop choosing it.

You’re also showing a lack of boundaries and ability to look after yourself. Seriously, it feels off, you know it’s off, you don’t need advice from the internet, you should trust your gut instinct.

@suzettenoisette join the gym a class a workshop and club . Anything but spend time with her . Make yourself busy then you may actually be too busy for her.

OP, I remember your other threads. To be honest, you’re coming across equally oddly here. The ‘friendship’ simply doesn’t work for you, and never has — not just the way she makes and changes arrangements, her transport preferences, her desire for particular patterns and duration of contact etc, but you appear frequently irritated or upset by things she says, and say your MH suffers from contact with her. Things which have no immediate relevance to you, like her most recent relationship, are clearly bothering you. You don’t like her. You don’t trust her enough to tell her where you live! And it’s a comparatively new fruendship. Why on earth have you persisted in it?

OP she is using your good nature against you. It’s obvious you feel very strongly about not wanting to do anything that will be perceived as ‘mean’ ‘not right’ - she knows this and is pushing the limits with you to see how far she can get.

You really just need to stop replying to her. Explanations and sorrys and messages are never going to get through to her. She has been rude and inconsiderate towards you and you need to toughen up and shrug her off. You’ve had 2 threads on her now, she has so much hold over you and it’s not normal. Focus on your family, sports classes, good friends etc. and just forget about her. She will move on to someone else.

Life's too short for this. Don't go, don't reply to any messages. Ditch her.

@suzettenoisette you are going to have to decide who you put first her or yourself ? If you choose her who do you think she will
choose ?

I’m not sure it’s worth saying anything. But she seems to have stalkerish tendencies so maybe you should so that she doesn’t start following you around.

Dear Elsie. I’ve been reflecting on our last couple of meetings as I realised that they made me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t think we are compatible as friends. I didn’t want to ghost you, which is why I am letting you know. I know that you’ve had some difficult times recently and I hope that you are able to find the support need in the future. All the best.

Don’t fet drawn into a discussion. If she asks what the issues are you can give her a couple of examples but if she doesn’t take this as the end that it is, block her.

From reading your posts OP you sound like a nice, empathetic and caring person. Unfortunately your friend is none of these things and is preying on you because she can mess you around and you will tolerate it (or so she thinks).
But don’t put up with it any longer. Not only is it making you sad, it might be preventing you from meeting other, far nicer people because you’re busy with this head case. Cut all contact - you won’t regret it.

I have a friend like this. She has ADHD. Often changes plans and it can be very stressful. In the past I’ve tried to get her to commit to a plan so I can plan around it, but it doesn’t work.
so now I accept is as part of the parcel of friendship with her, she’s a wonderful person with so many wonderful qualities, but I know not to book anything else when I’m meeting her and keep a window of a few hours either way for lateness or changes in the plan. Sometimes I have genuinely been worried if she’ll actually turn up or not. Shes a friend I’ve known for ages and love her to bits. I don’t see her that often, I guess I can only do the above occasionally

Stick with this decision. It’s not your job to cushion her life.