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Original poster

Daughter sent to bed in wet dirty pjs

279 replies

namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 14:16

Name changed, regular user but potentially outing.

I am absolutely fuming about this and I need somebody to either confirm that what I'm feeling is valid or whether it's not a big deal and to let it go.

DH and I went out last night for 2 hours which covered DD (19 months old) bedtime. I gave her dinner and a bath and clean pjs then she normally plays with books or quiet toys for half hour before bed.

My Mum & Dad came to ours to put her to bed and babysit until we got home. I told my Dad to help himself to a glass of wine (mum is a recovering alcoholic but doesn't mind others drinking in front of her, 3 years sober but u had an awful childhood due to her drinking and maybe this is why it's stirred up so much for me).

When we got home, Dad told me that DD grabbed his wine glass and spilt a bit of red wine on her and said "oh no!" and we laughed about it. I assumed they'd changed her.

I've got her out of bed this morning, her whole foot of babygrow is stained with red wine plus her whole arm, she stinks of alcohol and now her sleeping bag has red patches on it too (how I know they put her to bed with it wet on her as it's transferred). Clearly a very full glass of wine has split on her.

I called my mum and asked why she wasn't changed? She's a baby covered in wine, her reply was that they didn't know where her pjs are. She's got a chest of drawers and a mini wardrobe, 5 drawers in her bedroom in total, 2 of them are full of clean pjs and babygrows. They weren't hard to find. I told her I'm livid and she told me I'm over reacting and it hasn't ended well.

So my daughter has gone to bed, in wet pjs (not just water but wine ffs) stinks of alcohol to the point I had to bath her this morning because you could smell it on her skin and my Mum thinks that's okay? Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.

OP posts:
Original poster
namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 19:46

My relationship with my Dad is a little damaged because of what I was "allowed" to go through as a child, yes and I am angry at him too but some of you are right and I'm probably more angry at my Mum due to past issues which may be wrong due to it being my Dad's wine that was spilt on DD.

I will call my Mum tomorrow and try and smooth things over.

I've worked so hard all of my life in and out of counselling, therapy etc to try and undo some of the damage done to me as a child through my mum's addiction and I think smelling alcohol on my child tipped me over the edge. I remember being 7 or 8 and Mum falling asleep with a glass of wine in her hand in bed with a cigarette also whilst Dad was working a night shift and having to take the cigarette off of her and put it out in the ash tray before she set light to her bed covers and also smelling the spilt wine on her and the bed. I'd often not sleep at night scared she'd wake up drunk and light another cigarette and set fire to the house. So yes there is lots of trauma there for me still and I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.

I wanted different for my life, yes I had wild nights out with alcohol involved in my late teens and early 20s and then I got married and promised myself that any future children of mine would go to sleep knowing they are loved, comfortable, safe and never having to worry about me, that would be my job as their Mum. I was the parent as a child. It fills me with horror now thinking how my mum would drive me to school way over the limit every morning.

As part of my healing journey, I decided to forgive my parents when my Mum made a promise to be sober. She kept her word. We attended counselling together, it'll never give me my childhood back but she acknowledged the damage she caused and she was sorry and her actions since have proved that by staying sober, being very involved and excited during my pregnancy and when and since DD was born. Many probably wouldn't understand why I'd still have them in my life but it hurts me more to hold on to bitterness and sadness than it does to forgive.

She's never put a foot wrong with DD except last night her and my dad were both in the wrong for not changing DD.

I do want to move on from this and I can see this has triggered me massively due to my childhood and it may not be such a big deal to others that didn't go through what I did.

OP posts:
Tandora · 14/12/2024 19:24

The posters going on about OP offering her dad a glass of wine are being ridiculous. Jesus Christ how sanctimonious do you have to be!
Only on mumsnet would one glass of wine offered to a guest in your home invite such reproach. 🙄

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/12/2024 19:19

packitinagain · 14/12/2024 19:03

Are they used to looking after your child? As in changing and day to day care?

but this isn’t about maintaining a routine, it’s clear cut, PJ got wet they need changed
This is not complicated, no judgement or convoluted routine to maintain

packitinagain · 14/12/2024 19:03

Are they used to looking after your child? As in changing and day to day care?

Ponderingwindow · 14/12/2024 19:00

My father was the alcoholic. I never let either of my parents babysit my child. The 2nd parent let you grow up in a household with an alcoholic. They clearly lack good judgment. They shouldn’t be trusted to care for your child any more than the alcoholic parent.

the relationship with the alcoholic grandparent and the enabler needs to be supervised.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/12/2024 18:46

It seems very strange that as experienced parents themselves, they didn't go and find a clean babygrow rather than putting DD to sleep whilst wet. I'm trying to envisage the degree of spillage. Babies are small and enough to stain one foot plus an arm may not have involved very much wine. I can imagine them dabbing the stain with a bit of kitchen roll and deciding it wasn't that serious.
But of course she would be smelling of alcohol in the morning, which is very upsetting, and the stain would spread to the sleeping bag.
I agree with others that your degree of horror is directly linked to what you suffered as a child from your mother's drinking. The thought of it directly affecting DD must be very upsetting.

RandomUsernameHere · 14/12/2024 18:45

YANBU. It all sounds very strange. They should have just messaged you if they couldn't find the clean clothes.

whereshouldistart · 14/12/2024 18:30

Some of the responses on this thread are weird. Take the wine / alcoholic parent out of it, would any of you be ok with someone putting your child to bed wet and uncomfortable? Covered in water or coke or milk? Would you go to bed in wet, stinky and sticky pjs?? Probably not. I’m all for letting grandparents throw out the routine a bit when babysitting but I would expect them to keep my kids safe and comfortable at least.

Mumof2girls2121 · 14/12/2024 18:26

Your not wrong

HollyBaubles77 · 14/12/2024 18:06

Why I don’t let my parents babysit. They were drunks when I was growing up and although mellowed with age, I still wouldn’t trust them around my children in the evening. It’s sad but necessary.

OkPedro · 14/12/2024 18:03

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 14/12/2024 18:02

Interesting. Best of luck to you.

Show quote history

Thank you. Same to you ☺️

ObliviousCoalmine · 14/12/2024 18:02

Not a cat's chance in a microwave either of my parents would think it was ok to have a drink when they were in charge of their grandchildren.

Not changing her is ridiculous, why wouldn't they? There's no logic to any of it. It's just shit behaviour all round.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 14/12/2024 18:02

OkPedro · 14/12/2024 18:00

Haven't had a drink for 2 yrs. Attend AA. Have a sponsor. Very confident and happy in my sobriety but choose to not be around alcohol or anyone drinking it, if I can avoid it. I know many who are ok being around alcohol and many who make the same choices as me

Show quote history

Interesting. Best of luck to you.

smellydog1 · 14/12/2024 18:00

They are probably getting older and more lax. My mum was the best mum but when she looked after my kids some things were a little strange. We came home once as my DD aged 1 was crying and wouldn't stop (my mum phoned all panicky). We left our night out and once home my DD was soaked through her babygrow from the nappy being put on so loosely and was upset. We just put it down to parents getting older and less capable.

OkPedro · 14/12/2024 18:00

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 14/12/2024 17:51

How sober are you? How are you maintaining your sobriety? I don’t know any recovering alcoholic that has a problem with this once they’ve got a few months under their belt. Her Mum is three years sober, if this is still a problem for her she still has big problems.

Show quote history

Haven't had a drink for 2 yrs. Attend AA. Have a sponsor. Very confident and happy in my sobriety but choose to not be around alcohol or anyone drinking it, if I can avoid it. I know many who are ok being around alcohol and many who make the same choices as me

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 17:57

I don’t have your history op, and no issues with alcohol in my family but I would hit the roof if my baby was put to bed in that state. It’s complete negligence! It makes me wonder what your parents were like towards you if they did not see anything wrong with this.

I wouldn’t say another word to them about this ever again, but my dc would never be left unsupervised again with them. Ever. I would find a mature and trusted babysitter in time with a web cam and just never ever ask them again. You also need to ensure she has safe guardians in the event something happens to you both.

They are not trustworthy op. I would be so sad too.

TheGrinchIsComingToTown · 14/12/2024 17:55

OP, only you know what your mother is okay with. Just because it works for one person doesn't mean it would work for her. I don't see how people are saying you're to blame for this

polyesterdress · 14/12/2024 17:53

Wow. The posters trying to paint the OP as reasonable and suggesting she should be grateful they babysit for her have the most unbelievably low standards imaginable.

You are absolutely not over-reacting OP. It is completely unacceptable to let a baby go to sleep wet and covered in alcohol. I can't believe anyone is defending that. They don't babysit again.

Original poster
namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 17:51

DandySnail · 14/12/2024 17:49

i am the child of an alcoholic

and the thought of offering wine to one half of a couple who are about to have hours alone with my baby, and one half of said couple is an alcoholic who caused me untold misery as a result of alcohol for many years…. is, well, unfathomable to men. Throw in fact that this is the first time they’ve babysat at night….

Edited

I'm sorry you went through the same as a child but I'm not going to keep repeating myself, my father has never had a problem with alcohol and my mum is often around people drinking (they go and socialise with friends a lot) and it doesn't bother her. I'm not going to keep repeating myself

OP posts:
ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 14/12/2024 17:51

OkPedro · 14/12/2024 17:42

It may not bother you but as a fellow recovering alcoholic it would bother me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

How sober are you? How are you maintaining your sobriety? I don’t know any recovering alcoholic that has a problem with this once they’ve got a few months under their belt. Her Mum is three years sober, if this is still a problem for her she still has big problems.

DandySnail · 14/12/2024 17:51

i don’t have “it in for you”

but pointing out that you offering wine when it hasn’t been asked for or brought or even mentioned… given the horror you endured as a child as a result of alcohol is… well difficult for me to get my head around 🤷

DandySnail · 14/12/2024 17:49

i am the child of an alcoholic

and the thought of offering wine to one half of a couple who are about to have hours alone with my baby, and one half of said couple is an alcoholic who caused me untold misery as a result of alcohol for many years…. is, well, unfathomable to men. Throw in fact that this is the first time they’ve babysat at night….

Original poster
namecnge1 · 14/12/2024 17:47

@DandySnail do you have it in for me or something?! What is with you?! My husband had a bottle of wine open, a specific type of wine which is my Dad's favourite, I thought it would be nice to offer him a glass as he doesn't drink often at home. Fgs, just get off this thread. You've had nothing to contribute other than shitty remarks.

OP posts:
BibbityBobbityToo · 14/12/2024 17:46

They aren't up to the job of babysitting, be glad nothing serious happened and don't leave them alone with her again.

Personally I wouldn't be drinking if I was looking after someone else's child (obviously different rules for looking after my own 🤣).

luckylavender · 14/12/2024 17:45

Comedycook · 14/12/2024 14:23

I'd also be questioning why your father felt the need to have a drink...when he's babysitting a toddler and his wife is a recovering alcoholic

I wondered that

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