Mumsnet making me paranoid

I'm not sure whether you're sneering at the posters who suggest partners might be having affairs, exaggerating it to make a point about MNetters being crazy man haters; or if the number of posts on here about cheating men has actually made you less secure in your marriage? But to answer your question in good faith, MN has had no effect on me in this regard. I think as I always have. Some men will cheat, some won't, and no one knows which type they've got until they find out, either the hard way, or by reaching the end of their life without being betrayed. There is nothing you can do about this so best to live your life with a balance of optimism and vigilance for red flags.

You are not paranoid. I am the last person I ever EVER thought would have an affair and despite having been in a sexless marriage of many years - a source of continuing unhappiness - I still didn’t ever think about it until all of a sudden I did. No history of flirting with other men nor of looking for male attention elsewhere, an overnight change of mind.

Think twice if you have this odd twinge or paranoia and you notice too your partner or spouse

• working at odd times of night and even at weekends (talking / texting, not necessarily going anywhere)
• increasing in exercise fanaticism for no good reason
• Having a few hours when they go offline which they haven’t flagged in advance
• doing anything new and odd with phones
• staying up very very late
• drifting, when you both have a physical life that’s gone very cold for a long time (in my case it was many years)
• saying they want to open up the marriage - they may already have met someone on the sly who they want to see more often

• who puts much more premium on the physical than you do (male / female) where you have said no for months / years and who eventually stops asking or initiating

Of course not all people who start going to the gym are having affairs - this is not that kind of soft trigger list. This for people reading who feel something is up but aren’t quite sure why or wondering if it’s just their unconscious playing tricks on them, making them imagine it could happen, even though it could never.. could it? Some of you will be right and even though you - one of those of you who is right - are the cleverest, kindest, funniest, sexiest woman (or man) for miles around none of that needs to be relevant to an affair, for it to happen.

I am also the last person any of my friends or family would think had been having an affair either. I was never unfaithful before being married either. Although I am quite obviously a lot happier now than before it - I would think this obvious to anyone who knows me - so going by happiness signs, they might work it out.

What I did is wrong. I am sure it won’t give anyone consolation to hear me say this and it doesn’t absolve me in any way.

MN is very anti men. On a personal level I think there are more awful than great ones but it’s fever pitch on here.

But people generally don’t write about their great husbands or partner’s because it’s an advice site. My DH is currently upstairs rearranging the laundry cupboard. It’s helpful but hardly thrilling or contentious unless you’re a control freak. I do not need advice on it.

Some of the LTB are ridiculous. What you have to remember is some people get pleasure from the pain of others, schadenfreude is real on this site.

Am I the only one now paranoid and constantly looking for signs of an affair even though my marriage is great?!

My 20-year marriage is great, some random comments on the internet wouldn't make me think otherwise or make me start looking for signs of an affair. If something so trivial makes you question things, maybe it's not as great as you think.

Honestly, don't get paranoid - never trust 100% but (genuine) posters only post when things go wrong

Its just mumsnet. Noone is posting about being happily married

Alao pwoplw arw mwyboard warriers. Always ready to end a marriage ...so extreme

This is the other side of it. For all the over the top posts the OP mentions you've also got plenty of women who don't realise how genuinely awful their partners are until it's pointed out.

For me as a now single woman, I'd say it reminds me to keep my standards high! I also often breathe a sigh of relief that I am single 😂 MN hasn't put me off men, men themselves have done that.

Gone are the days when women have to stay in a shitty relationship for appearances sake, and that's a good thing. Although finances obviously remain an issue for many.

I do believe cheating has become more prevelant with things like the Internet and phones. Easy for someone to go on a dating site and claim to be single when they're not. Sneaky calls and texts are easy. It was a bit different when there was just one house phone in the hallway!

I don't really trust men but, as I said, that's on them and not on MN. My own dad was a cheat and my mum was the OW, although the woman he left had also been the OW when they got together! So I didn't have great role models to begin with.

MN helped me see my ex bf was a useless rubbish man which was really useful. But I’ve read so many threads recently about abusers, cheaters and rubbish men that I feel like MN is becoming a source of anxiety even though my new bf is so much better. It’s quite jarring to click on a title thinking it’s a small issue but it turns out to actually be a pretty emotionally/physically abusive relationship. And if that’s a lot of the trending threads then it can become something I end up thinking about a lot, forgetting this is a message board not really the real world.

I’m pretty sure you can block certain topics on your account and I’m considering doing that for relationships as people (understandably) mainly post about their relationship problems rather than positive or lighthearted things

This is why I often avoid all the Relationship type threads and stick to the more general ones - The Doghouse or The Tack Room or Christmas. A lot of posts there are far more about life than about men (or about dogs, horses and Christmas, all dearer to my heart than men) and I like the community feel.

But then I'm single and live alone with my biases.

😂 so true

I 100% agree with you

they can also make me feel quite insecure.

I suppose the upside of that is helping you not to live in the mindset of “it will never happen to me”

I too like to think I have a strong relationship with my husband, been together 20 years, although not perfect, I would say happy 85% of the time and he’s a very kind man, and better than average parent to our 17&14 year olds .

however he’s off on his works Christmas do tonight , and after reading several posts relating to going out I am a bit worried- which is completely unfair, as I think he has been out 3 times this year, and always come back on the last bus,

I can only think of one time in the 20 years he went out (aged about 22, ) and didn’t come home until 3 and his phone had died and I was so worried and cross

its unfair for me to be checking up on him , but mumsnet would make you question even a loyal man

MN has been incredibly helpful for me in being able to look at my relationship of decades more objectively and say "actually that is shit, I don't want to put up with this anymore." And to start ball rolling to leave. I'm sad that i've set bar so low for myself regarding men in life to date tbh.

Generally people only post when they have a problem, it’s like hotel reviews … you mostly see the bad ones because people feel more strongly about it.

Dont let it make you paranoid though, if you e got a good chap then don’t ruin it. I’d only judge someone based on their own actions and behaviours - not generalisations based on forums.

MN can be quite anti men sometimes … that being said Reddit can be very much the same for being anti women. Take whatever you read with a pinch of salt.

I’d say just get off Mumsnet if it’s having that effect. It will free up loads of spare time maybe too! X

Men (and indeed women) having affairs is obviously pretty common. But obviously the Relationships board is massively skewed towards relationships with problems, because people don't post about their relationships on a forum if everything is fine. MN has certainly opened my eyes to how shit relationships can be, and what some women put up with, but it hasn't made me paranoid about my own.

Yes, anyone can cheat. But I am not going to spend each day paranoid. What’s the point? I am certainly not going to let randoms from an internet site worry me.

Where did I say it would not ever happen to me anyway? I was answering the OP’s question re whether MN makes me paranoid. It certainly doesn’t.

Thats the risk of being in a relationship

No point worrying about something that hasn't happened though and if it does happen then have trust in ourselves and our ability to handle it and move forward

People with bad experiences are more likely to respond to posts like those and are more likely to respond in the way you suggest. People with normal, functioning relationships are less likely to leave comments.

People's posts are naturally biased to start with, obviously as they only post when there are problems. It's not a reflection of real life, as no one comes on MN to make a post saying 'my H has been to work, come home and is now doing the washing up. Nothing else to say really.'

That is good to hear. I too have a long and happy marriage but I wouldn't ever be so complacent to think it couldn't ever happen to me.

Men and women cheat. Often the most unsuspecting people from what appear to be ideal, perfect marriages. So while I'm not suggesting one should be paranoid I think it would also be wrong to be too smug.

It can happen to anyone, not just those who don't have wonderful husbands.

I have a great marriage of over 30y.
MN just makes me grateful to be married to a decent man. Then again most of my friends’ husbands are wonderful too. I have a high bar and my husband reaches it. Standards are low here.

MN does not make me remotely worried. But I am also not an anxious type who doesn’t open the door or who needs to wash my towels daily 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh wow thank you for this post! I’ve been feeling the same recently with all the posts! A little paranoid that even though I think things are fine I could be completely wrong and he could have some secret life going on and maybe u can never really trust any one! I wouldn’t have given any of that a second thought before!

Op mn is full of crap and most threads and post are over exaggerated.
Take it with a pinch of salt.
When i read some threads i think some of the women are the abusers.
And every bad habbit or behaviour is always SEN to blame.

I don't think it is very nice to mock people who are upset amd post for support. I haven't seen anyone say he touched his ear differently or went to a different petrol station so must be cheating, rather they have been told by an ow or they have come across messages proving suspicions.

Many women don't have support irl so places like mn can be invaluable.