Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

twokittlepumpkins

I am really sorry your work are being so ridiculous about this. My work place had a daytime Christmas meal which was paid for and happened during work hours where we were effectively paid to attend. If a company really wants people to join in, they need to do this. My work place also had a drinks after the party, which I chose not to attend.

I am in two minds about whether you tell them your medical situation or not. In one sense it may make it easier for your colleagues/boss to understand your situation but also, why should you have to attend!

If they really want you to socialize, with work colleagues, for work, they should pay for this to happen during working hours.

It isn't though, in many many offices.

I really don't want to be crass, but did you mean it when you said you had MS? Only of course it does a lot more than simply causing fatigue. Did you mean ME? It still entirely justifies your reluctance, but it may make a difference in terms of your employers' reaction.

YANBU

But

I would make HR aware of your condition as you may need reasonable adjustments in future. I've found that being upfront early on can make things easier in the long-term, especially if you're needing adjusted hours / WFH / etc.
Remember that disabilities are protected characteristics.

I imagine he's not in the early stages of his employment though.

Have a close relative , head of dept in a large world wide co. told me recently he never goes to office parties. You do not have to go whether you are sick etc or not.

Just say I can't make it, sorry. Smile politely and then change the topic.

It's none of their business even if you didn't have children.

Nicely balanced message @NoSquirrels

I always wonder what these jobs are that almost seem to require attendance at things like after work drinks. Just why? The last thing I'd want to do after a long day of work is go spend my hard-earned money socialising with the people I'd just spent all day working with (and probably feeling annoyed with, sometimes). My free time is precious, and I'd very strongly resent being made to sacrifice it on a regular basis, entirely aside from childcare issues or fatigue related to an illness.

@NoSquirrels great post.

All the MORE reason to make your MS known to them.

Otherwise if you’re asking for consideration for child caring issues (Can’t make the social, no childcare etc) then they’ll blame it on your parental status.

But if you inform them of the MS they HAVE to treat you with reasonable adjustments with that in mind.

Get it over with and tell them now. Frame it as ‘I’ve noticed the social side of work seems really important to the culture here, which is great as I’m a really sociable person and I’m enjoying getting to know everyone. But not being able to make this year’s Christmas party in the evening has highlighted to me that I do need to disclose to you that I have MS, and that was part of my reason to not be able to make the evening socials at short notice having just started. I manage my condition really well and part of that is that I’m very careful to monitor my energy levels and get enough rest. Obviously a new role, childcare and not much notice is a tricky combination this year. Once I’m more established it’s less likely to be an issue, but I did want you to be aware of my condition.’

She's indicated that she's a sociable person and without her health issues and childcare commitments she might be happy to. Why are you assuming she wouldn't want to go if her circumstances were different? And I stand by the fact that disclosure of her disability would protect her.

Well of course he's not likely to say that, is he? He can sack her without giving a reason at all. The fact is that in the early stages of employment you have next to no protection except through protected characteristics. Just getting another job which suits her might not be too simple either. This is why disclosing her MS would be advantageous in her situation.

Your workplace is a bit behind the times. Don’t worry but take the opportunity to reassure management that you’re sociable and would have liked to attend but due to eg family illness at the moment your usual babysitters aren’t available and all spare evening time is taken up with family caring/ hospital visiting or something along these lines.

At my workplace (big company) we are constantly reminded to consider other people’s circumstances when planning and commenting on social events. Examples given include: ‘Not everyone can attend evening events easily, due to physical health requirements or caring responsibilities. Therefore you may wish to consider organising some lunchtime events or similar for inclusivity alongside or instead of evening events.’ It then goes on at length about ensuring events aren’t always built round alcohol, take account of dietary requirements etc etc. In practice we organise a mix of different things which suit different people and vary in timing, length etc so everyone can attend at least one event and everyone is happy.

Bullshit. If people want to go then that’s of course up to them. And plenty of people like going to these events.

But the reality is that a lot of people take the attitude that they work with these people and want to socialise with their own friends and families, but they go because it’s an expectation, not because they want to.

It’s an out of work event. Nobody is obliged to be there. So if you don’t want to go but you do anyway then you’re a conformist.

If you think it’s ok to put that same kind of expectation on to someone else and actually have the nerve to tell her she should disclose valid reasons not to then you need to ask yourself on what planet is that acceptable.

I wouldn’t worry about not going but I would encourage you to disclose your health issues for future protection

Well, if he fires someone for not attending the Christmas piss-up then he’s likely a cunt anyway and she’ll be better off in a different job.

It's nothing to do with being conformist. It's being practical.

The amount of conformists on these threads is depressing. IMO a lot of people are having a go at the OP because they don’t have the guts not to go themselves.

If you're in your probationary period and haven't disclosed a condition which could give you day 1 protection simply saying "I don't want to" isn't a good idea. The MD could let her go very quickly if he felt inclined.

”I don’t want to” is sufficient reason not to go.

It’s outside of work hours, she’s not being paid, and the truth is that most people don’t want to go to these events anyway they do so because there’s an element of expectation which there shouldn’t be.

My mum never went to these events. Neither did she contribute to secret Santa. And after she stopped doing so the number of people who felt comfortable saying no after that increased. But nobody wanted to be the first to say no.