Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

This is tricky territory. In some workplaces (including mine) there is a strong understanding that you will attend a reasonable number of after work events. People understand that sometimes it does not work out, but to miss everything would not be acceptable.

It is really hard when you are the one who has the role of picking up the kids every day and doing the school run. I think there is a compromise to be had. Surely there is some basic help you can get to pick the kids up on the odd day? So could your husband take a half day off and do the school run? Or a local child minder looking for extra hours?

I would be saying to work "I can't attend these ones, but if I have a week's notice I can sort someone to collect the kids" - that way you are signalling you have kids, and also that it is not so easy as clicking your fingers, but also showing willing. I really don't like the idea of just refusing to go though. Especially if you are on probation.

I think you should tell your boss about your illness. They may get it that your tired, can you not do an hour at the doo to show your face.

Yanbu. I've never gone since I've had dc's. Too busy, don't drink, one child couldn't cope with anyone but me doing bedtime and IBS always flares when I eat late.

How can your boss be understanding when you are hiding a HUGE piece of information from him? Perhaps if he knew you had MS he would be a bit more understanding, the oh i have to pick the kids up wont cut it. If you want him to be understanding of your situation he and anyone else you expect it from, should know the full story x

You asked if the OP meant it when she said she has MS due to the symptoms she listed.

Which reads like she can't have MS if she is just fatigued, so she must have something else like ME.

Why would you think she was wrong? Surely she knows what she has?

Someone questioning a diagnosis because it doesn't match what they expect for MS, makes people reluctant to disclose.

If I have misunderstood what you meant, I apologise.

And don't misinterpret my post just because you want to be aggressive.

You are protected immediately not just after probation. When you're not protected is when you don't disclose.

I think it helps people understand when you can't do things. My colleagues have always been very supportive when it's causing an issue. Though my flare ups are usually pretty obvious as I can't walk well.

I would tell them you have MS. I've got it as well, and it's better that work colleagues do know.

Office party/drinks aside. Where is your husband in all of this? You are working full time, he is working full time, and yet you are fully responsible for everything else outside of work. Can he at least start doing the school run in the mornings? This is not right. It’s like you are a single parent in all of this.

Speak to HR, they can’t get rid because they think you can’t do the job, that’s discrimination. You have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to go, illness or not, and shouldn’t be penalised for that. Hopefully your HR team can reassure you so you won’t feel so bad

You need to tell them about your medical condition so that they can make allowances/reasonable adjustments. I do agree though that no one should feel obliged to go to work socials.

I would start another thread about disclosing/ not disclosing events.
on the party thing- as you had a short notice and you have 2 under 5s it’s absolutely normal that you couldn’t just magic out childcare especially at pre Christmas period. So I would stick to this normal reason as an excuse.
Unfortunately it is a problem of you being the only woman with small children, sit tight, it might change very quickly.

You're going to have to tell them to protect yourself or they're going to fail your probation for not being 'a team player'.

It's fucking shit but people who act like this about social occasions make out it's incredibly important for 'team cohesion'.

OP, contact ACAS for advice.

Yanbu to not want to, or be able to go. But to some companies, these events really matter, and people who don't go are looked at differently. Some may say that's wrong, but it's just a culture thing, isn't it? My firm is big on being sociable, and getting involved in as much as possible has done me really well so far. There are others who don't, and they're definitely looked at differently.

This is of course completely aside from your disability. You really need to disclose so that you are protected from discrimination, otherwise you could quickly find yourself out for not 'being a team player', or 'not getting the culture'. You would have absolutely no recourse in this situation if you haven't disclosed your disability.

There’s a possible argument for making her employer aware for future reference. But to suggest that not expecting her to attend an after work Christmas piss-up is a reasonable adjustment is ridiculous. As is saying that not attending should be down to a chronic condition which employers should be aware of. . Anyone has the right to turn down the Christmas drinks which are happening outside of work time without reason or explanation. It’s an after work event. People enjoy going to these things but there are equal amounts of people who feel that they have no inclination to go out and socialise with a load of people they are obligated to work with all day.

We need to step away from this notion that your employer should be able to have expectations that you will attend events outside of work hours, and that not doing so will put you at a disadvantage.

There is nothing simple about MS fatigue.
And it can be your only symptom.

Don't try to reduce the OPs experience because it doesn't match what you expect.

I'd say yes, its best to tell them, if you are happy with people knowing in general. I was working here when I got diagnosed, so they've always known. But I am OK with people knowing in any case. If you are in a medium-big company, you likely won't be the only person which a chronic condition.

Same thing happened with me,I started 9 months ago,the event is just not my thing,I was asked multiple times a day for months,I actually wanted to quit over it.

They can't lawfully demand you attend a workplace do. I think you should talk to ACAS. You don't need to disclose disability for this situation because you don't need to ask for a reasonable adjustment in this situation.

Talk to ACAS
0300 123 1100
www.acas.org.uk/contact

It's you telling them that triggers their duty to make reasonable adjustments.

You only have to tell HR if you like.

But until they know they don't have to make accommodations for you.

I felt so nervous telling my work. Then it turned out several people in management also had chronic conditions and they have been brilliant about it all

You can disclose details only to HR and then they should have the nécessary conversations with management about inclusivity. I’m sick of constantly needing to point out why I can’t attend evening évents and multi day conférences as a lone parent. Each time I feel like pointing out that the child hasn’t disppeared since the last event!

Yanbu. Reasonable companies now hold their Xmas events at lunch/afternoon so parents can attend without scrabbling for childcare.