Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

I worried about disclosing my mental health condition to my company when I started, but decided to tell my line manager. He was great about it, and reassured me that the company would support me, which in all fairness they have.

OP if you disclose you have MS it would give them a duty to make reasonable adjustments and you would have some protection legally for things like not going to the Xmas party, which you will not have if they don’t know. Tell HR and explain about the boss wanting you to go to the party and why you are not.

You say the MD has asked three times -twice before and once after; and made you feel rubbish about it by raising his eyebrows and saying you should have gone?

If no one else is bothered you didn't attend. You are in control of that feeling rubbish side of things. It suggests it's not the culture of the organisation but just your MD is the twit witj poor management skills. (Or more kindly, possible born from the fact he's only experienced men in your role, so only experienced the level of men's childcare responsibilities.)

Ask your line manager if you've made a major faux pas about not going to the party. He/she could very well say something along the lines of that's it's just the MD has thing about it.

Regarding informing the company about the fact you have MS. You don't have to, but if you don't the company don't have to give you any accommodations regarding it. I understand a lot of people only reveal chronic illnesses after passing probation out of fear they might lose their job, but that's the exact reason people should because the company are aware they can't fail probation over something down to a genuine medical illness.

Why is the school run and all the kid stuff down to you? Even without an illness it doesn’t seem fair that this is all on you. What does your DH do?

She may have signed a form saying ‘I have no health conditions’ (a pre-requisite for working at this company).

I’d just say ordinarily you’d go, but you can’t get a sitter at Christmas with one week’s notice. Very unfair for them to be making people feel bad. Your LM should know about your health issue, adjustments may be able to be made. Some companies place great importance on social’s, sounds like this is one of them

Sympathy OP - pressure to attend a social event outside working hours isn't ok. There are lots of reasons why going to those isn't possible for many people. Childcare, elderly care, disability, neurodivergence, chronic illness, being a non-drinker - it should just be possible to say no to outside work events. Unless there's a requirement of the job to occasionally socialise out of work with clients, pressure to socialise in other ways is not ok.

However. If you've not told the MD exactly why you can't go, you also can't expect him to understand your reasons either.

I would not talk about MS if I was on probation and wanted to keep the job (sorry, I know I'll get angry responses about that, but realistically? I would keep my mouth shut. Employers have ways of getting rid of people if they think they are going to be trouble).

I WOULD say "My husband will be working away from home for a few days around that time and there is no possibility of getting a babysitter. I'm sorry, I do understand about the importance of in-person socializing, but I really want to prioritize my energies for my job, so I'm going to have to decline this time. Hopefully I can manage a lunch some time next year instead."

But you have kinda admitted here that you are struggling to do the job!?

Whether we like it or not, some roles do require people to go 'above and beyond' in their job, which may, at times, involve attending meetings, socials etc. It's just how it is in business.
Doesn't make it 'right'; just makes it business.

OP: 'I just feel like he has no idea how hard this is, otherwise he would show some understanding.'
Also OP: 'I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue ( MS ) work don't know and I don't want to say.'

Of course he won't 'understand' if you haven't told him! Which is indeed your prerogative. However, keeping quiet, will likely make your colleagues/bosses just think you're anti-social and, in turn, not a team player.

Whilst none of us are paid to 'socialise', those who do attend after work drinks etc, will always be viewed more favourably than those who don't. That's just company culture, I'm afraid, and is unlikely to change any time soon.

With sympathy I agree with this op

I look for places to work that are family friendly and flexible, ideally where people have kids. You're right, if people don't get what it's like and how busy it is to be a full time working mum with 2 kids, it's not something one can explain to an employer. Hopefully this is not a sign of things to come.

No don’t send this. First you are mentioning about picking up the kids before you mention your condition, which is the point of your message.

I would do it face to face (or at least on a video call) and not email, follow up with email absolutely but better to have a conversation

Something like “boss, I know there were a few questions around my lack of attendance at the party. One thing I think I need to make you aware of is I suffer from MS. It does not affect me on a day to day basis in relation to how well I can do my job, but it does result in fatigue at times and right now I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to focus on the work while I get up to speed with everything that is new here. Once I am more settled in the role then I look forward to getting to know the team better in a social setting”

You don’t mention, unless I have missed it, what role or seniority you are. But if you are in a leadership role then there tends to be expectations of “showing your face” at events such as this. But that shouldn’t be at the detriment of your health. However if they don’t know you have genuine reasons, then it is possible that they would think that you just can’t be bothered which is not a great early impression in a new role

I have after work commitments should cover it. “Caring for dependents” if they push.

I would notify HR and your line manager formally.

And then I would informally explain to the MD next time he brings it up. "Look, I didn't say anything before but I have MS. It's well managed but I have to prioritise so that I continue to deliver at work and manage at home - so this just hasn't been possible for me this time. I really hope I will be able to make it another time!"

I'd probably say something like "I would love to come but I'm afraid it's just not physically possible."

Are they all very young? Even without MS, they should understand that working parents can't drop everything to go to a party!

The problem is the culture in your workplace, they cannot demand you go to social events (or work overtime) and you don't have to explain yourself;
You might have a disability. You might have caring responsibilities. You might be in receipt of tax credits. You might have a medical appointment. The reason is irrelevant.

Not if you tell them you didn’t go as you couldn’t get childcare.

The arrangements you would have needed to make in order to get to the party are not reasonable regardless of whether you have MS or not.

Far too long. You just need to notify them that you have MS, it’s well controlled, you enjoy office socialising normally but in this instance you were not able to get childcare. That’s all that needs to be said.

ME is A LOT more than fatigue too. It affects the whole body in so many ways.