Being made to feel bad because I can't go to after work drinks or Christmas parties at the moment

Hi OP I have a protected breathing condition. It’s far better to tell them ! At the moment you are worrying because it’s your probationary period … in fact you are massively shooting yourself in the foot because they will just think you aren’t a team player instead! Tell the truth and you will get understanding treatment, allowances will be made for needing full rest. MS is a protected condition, being seen as stand off ish in a company that values the social side isn’t! They may even see your work less favourably if you don’t ’fit In’ so I think you are missing the point. Being a mum with kids won’t get sympathy sadly because they know you have a husband who could provide the childcare that night. If they knew you had MS I’m pretty sure you will get a lot more rope. No one likes admitting illness or weakness, I don’t, but hiding it is more stressful trust me. It’s your right not to say but my advice would be not to follow that path. Listen to the other posters on here. It will come out at some point perhaps (if you are taken ill perhaps) so I would start as you mean to go on. MS isn’t a crime and most colleagues will know at least one person with the condition. Be brave, confide on them and the (understandable) paranoia will stop .

I wasn’t aware you needed a medical condition to get out of a work social 😂

Exactly.

Needing your sleep before work the next day is an adequate reason in my view!

It's all very well having social events in the evening, but if you are expected to work as normal the next day - even without a health condition - it just doesn't work.

I also need to bear in mind that my DH gets up at 5.30am for work so doesn't want to collect me from a railway station at midnight.

There are loads of reasons why people don't want to socialise at night.

Follow your gut on disclosing MS or not but don't do it because of the Christmas party. You don't want to make it sound like you are disclosing it because you want to adjust their expectations for your job. This seems very unfair that you are being pushed into this because you are not going to the Christmas party.

I don't go to anything outside of office hours (team activities, Christmas parties, team dinners, etc). I don't do it because I am not going to miss out on time with my kids to spend time with my colleagues who I already see most of the day anyway. If the director or VP asked if I am coming, I say something vague like I will try. On the day no one really notices who didn't show up. My manager would already know I am not coming.

i think your email is perfect. I would just say “a disability (multiple sclerosis)” just in case they don’t realise what MS is, ie a disability. Or confuse it with ME like a poster on this thread!
id send it to the CEO then forward to HR just as an FYI

Then maybe the line manager is the person to follow up with.

You have two separate issues:

• the expectation that staff attend evening drinking socials. This is outdated and shows a lack thinking beyond "what do the boys want". The norm is a range of events which bring people together at different times of day, different types of event with notice for those needing to make family arrangements. I would pick this up first with the line manager - a question about types of social events as you enjoy them but find lunches or end-of-afternoon teas more accessible

• the MS. If you can do the basic job itself without impact then I can see why would wouldn't rush to flag this up. Its all very well saying you would have disability protection but the reality is that some firms are much better at handling this than others. I can understand why you are nervous about announcing it to a company who are so backward in their attitude to staff get togethers - it doesn't inspire confidence in their ability to support a diverse workforce. How big is the company and do they have decent HR processes in place?

Depends how easy it is to get hold of HR. If you have a named HR contact, then I'd probably set it all out in an email and put MD and HR in the 'to' line, so they both know that the other one has seen it. I actually wouldn't mention the childcare though. A lot of people have kids and still make it to work socials. The health condition is the relevant bit, and it's probably best not to muddy the water.

Nailed it.

I'd be pointing out to the MD that you have children and a disability. My brain also wants to say:

"Is there a problem with my work quality? No? Then how I spend my time outside of work is absolutely none of your business. I don't recall attending unpaid out of hours events being part of my Contract. And whilst you may have a nanny and housekeeper, I have two small children and a disability that means I'm currently unable to attend work events. Do you have a problem with that? No? Good."

What you could say:
"Regrettably I'm unable to attend social events currently due to family commitments and my disability. Hopefully this will be a possibility in the future but unfortunately it's just not going to be possible at the moment. I'm sure you can understand that."

I'm super sociable and actually love social stuff with colleagues but this just wasn't possible this time. I'll try and plan it next time but I'm sick and tired of being made to feel bad about this.

Given this, I would go completely on the offensive here. Don't necessarily mention the MS (or do that separately). Either by email or in a 1-1, something like "I'm really glad to have been included in the invitation to the Christmas event, it's made me feel so welcome that people wanted me there even though I'm new. I love a sociable workplace! Is there anything else coming up, so that I can make sure I have planned around it? I don't want to miss out again!"

They want to know that you're going to join in their events, so reassure them that you are!
(Assuming that you think you'll be able to- don't do this unless you're pretty sure. But your OP sounded positive about social events in general so I'm going off that 😊)

If you don't wanna go, just have the guts to say I don't wanna go or come up with some sort of reasonable excuse.

I'm very sociable and I love a Christmas party and I enjoyed our recent one but if you don't then just say.

It was mid week? WhatTime? How far away. You could've driven over for an hour, had an alcohol free gin and tonic and driven home, and been tucked up in bed by 9pm, if you'd chosen to. But you didn't want to. So atleast own it.

And yes, I'm permanently tried, T1 diabetic, who sleeps a lot (for England) , but I could've managed a quick drink. If I'd have wanted to.

I think if you want them to understand but you don’t want to tell them so that they can understand then you’re stuck in that loop on repeat. People can’t understand what they don’t know, but I do know what others are saying in suggesting it may be risky to disclose depending on the employer.

Realistically though they can let you go anytime in the next 2 years for any reason or no reason, even after probation, so unless you’re going to keep it to yourself for after 2 years you are no better off telling them in 12 months than in 12 hours. A good employer will be understanding and adjustments can then be made if needed.

If anyone asks again just reply ' As much as I'd love to come I'm afraid I can't make it this time, maybe next time' You don't need to explain why but if pushed just tell them it's too short notice to get a babysitter.
I think it'd be a good idea to disclose your health issues with your boss going forward.

Catza is spot on. I have MS, once I had the job offer and started the job, after a month or so I disclosed to my employer about my condition. I did that in writing via email so I had proof that I had done it and was then protected by the framework that legally covers you.
if you simply put in writing to the MD and copy in the HR dept, it will be sufficient.

Send a positive email, stating how much you are enjoying the role, highlight any positives you have brought to the team and state that you are aware it has been noted that you haven’t been to certain out of hours work parties and explain about your condition. You could say how you didn’t want it to define you when starting a new job, as you wanted them to see who you are beyond the limits of the condition, but unfortunately one of the limits is the “tired to the bone” fatigue that plagues you.
Give some suggestions about how you can deliver the job and how you look forward to positively impacting the company and its achievements.

i totally get why you didn’t want to; but don’t be ashamed of having MS. It is what it is, and will a little support and flexibility from your employer, you can do great things. X

I do employment coaching as part of my job. I work with hundreds of people every year supporting them with disclosing their condition and arranging reasonable adjustments with existing and new employers. I don't have a single person on my books who was let go due to their disclosure at any point in their employment. The only people who were let go were those who had to take extended sick leave and we had to go down ill health retirement route. There were a few people at risk of loosing their jobs due to taking sick leave without disclosing, though.

No, they won't. They will have to have a legitimate performance reason to terminate your employment as anything else will be seen as direct discrimination. When you receive a job offer, there is often a form from OH asking you to disclose health conditions. This is the best point at which to disclose. Once you disclose, there is a legislative framework to protect you in case of unfair dismissal.

One week notice when you have 2 little kids is not enough notice. Many people would struggle with that, never mind if they had bigger health concern. You do NOT need to feel guilty about that.

I just don't like work social events so I don't go. I do have excuses/reasons like childcare, distance from office, finances etc but in reality for me none of those are insurmountable. I just don't enjoy a work Xmas party so I don't go.
That should be the end of it. You shouldn't have to explain any further.

You are doing really well to juggle everything and work too ! Just say “sorry l can’t do evenings but l hope you all have a great time “ and if they keep asking just say “as l’ve said , evenings are difficult but sure you’ll have a good time “ you don’t have to explain any further. They get used to and the reality is when they’re out and drinking they won’t be giving you a thought ! No way should you be put under pressure .

... but if he's such a dinosaur, he may well use the 'not a team player/ right fit etc..' excuse anyway. He will think twice if he has any notion of employment law after she discloses her condition.

Hi OP, please don't say anything negative to your boss like 'you didn't seem impressed', anything at all to suggest that you are somehow apologising for your condition or that you are already stretched to the limit. They are lucky to have got you as a team member; that's the confidence you need to project. Focus on the positives, what you can and want to bring to the team and how your boss should facilitate this. So, say you have MS, that it is a condition you manage very well and that you enjoy spending time with the team. Therefore, you would really appreciate being given more notice of such social events in future so you can get organised as your life requires a strict routine. That's it. I don't think you will hear any more on the matter from the big boss after that.

Absolutely don’t think disclosing in probation period is the right advice. People are being very naive about the idea that HR departments are there to protect you and not the employer. If the MD is already a bit of a dinosaur who has failed to employ women of child-rearing age, there’s good reason to be suspicious that he will think a medical condition will be trouble and concoct a reason not to keep you on.