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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not getting Son In Laws presents anymore...

183 replies

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:09

I buy my son in laws thoughtful and expensive (£100-£400) long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.
The trouble is neither of these men are what could be described as clean, careful, tidy etc so everything I get them ends up lost, broken or damaged in some other way.
As I am a bit OCD'ish and care for my own stuff this stresses me then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc.
I have decided, for my sanity, and to stop me nagging them, I simply won't buy them anything physoical anymore. I'll pay for a meal out etc but no more gifts for everyone's sake.
I appreciate as men once they receive a gift what they do with it is up to them but I find it hurtful when yet another gift is lost/damaged etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 14/12/2024 12:41

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:13

No. But as they were starting out in life as couples I thought such gifts would help set them up. For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail. Tool kit and so on.
I could have bought them a box of chocolates but I thought useful long term would be better. Is that wrong ?

Show quote history

It isn’t wrong but once you’ve given the gift then forget it……otherwise if it’s going to cause grief just buy them a bottle of something

burntheleaves · 14/12/2024 12:41

@Zebedee999
Huh? You did so say you got him an iron. Why are you saying people made this up? And you said everything you gave him was lost damaged or broken

I thought such gifts would help set them up. For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail.

mumedu · 14/12/2024 12:41

Bumcake · 14/12/2024 12:26

I would love to see my husband’s face if my mum got him a heated airer! As it is, she will get him a bottle of whisky and some nuts like always and they will both be happy.

I would love a heated airer. Do these things exist? OP, can you get me one?

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 12:40

What did he do with the iron?

TowerBallroom · 14/12/2024 12:39

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:29

I'd agree and never said it was. That was when they moved in together. I thought it useful as they didn't have any of this kit. Maybe I was wrong.

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I don't think the gifts were " lost"
Probably returned 😬

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 12:39

You said that you'd bought him an iron and ironing board and that you were upset that he'd lost the expensive gift you'd bought????

WaltzingWaters · 14/12/2024 12:39

A voucher for an experience - meal out, night away, theatre tickets or similar.

burntheleaves · 14/12/2024 12:38

Knittedfairies2 · 14/12/2024 12:25

The iron went kaput earlier this week so I went out to get a new one yesterday. I specifically said to my husband that he'd better not consider it as a Christmas present, or he'd need surgery to remove it. I was reminded of a friend whose husband bought her a toaster for Christmas. When she remonstrated with him, he said, rather pathetically, that it did 4 slices at once...

I think there are better gifts than household appliances unless they are requested.

Partner is different to in-laws and parents though. It's not unusual for parents and in laws to buy things a couple setting up home need surely?

RitaFires · 14/12/2024 12:38

I would expect input into an expensive long lasting gift. They might treat them with more respect if it's something they wanted and if they understood the value of the gift.

It's definitely the right thing to take a step back from the kind of presents you have been buying it doesn't sound like it's working for anyone involved.

diddl · 14/12/2024 12:37

long lasting useful gifts on special occasions as I want them to have useful things for life.

That only works if that's what they want though.

TheFairyCaravan · 14/12/2024 12:37

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:33

It's amazing how people make up fake information. At no point did I say I gave an iron for Christmas, or that anyone had lost it!

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You said you bought these things on “special occasions” so did he get them for his birthday, then?

burntheleaves · 14/12/2024 12:36

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 14/12/2024 12:16

If my mother in law bought me an iron for Christmas I'd give it back to her

Even if you were setting up house and needed these things?

JetskiSkyJumper · 14/12/2024 12:36

So you bought your son in laws stuff for the house but it was just for them and not your daughters?

Did you buy these for Xmas/birthdays? in which case what do you buy your daughters on these occasions?

It doesn't sound like they have asked for any of the £400 gifts youve given? What are these nice things for life?

It sounds to me like you're trying to control what they have by not asking what they need or would like, the. get offended when they don't need them, or the items arent to their taste.

It also sounds like the sons in laws are the scapegoats here.

LonginesPrime · 14/12/2024 12:36

then I end up nagging them as to "who could have taken Gift XYZ from their house and never returned it?" etc

Why are you checking up on how they are treating the things you gave them in the first place?

This sounds a bit bonkers, OP, like they're school children who've lost their PE kit.

I could see how this might happen if they were your own children, where this might be a hangover from how you as their parent handled them as children. But they're not your children (presumably you didn't raise them?) so I can't understand why you would feel the need to treat them like they were.

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 14/12/2024 12:36

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:13

No. But as they were starting out in life as couples I thought such gifts would help set them up. For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail. Tool kit and so on.
I could have bought them a box of chocolates but I thought useful long term would be better. Is that wrong ?

Show quote history

For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail. Tool kit and so on.

I have a feeling that if those are the sort of gifts you bought then I’d say they are purposefully ‘lost’.
Rather than hurt your feelings, it’s easier to say they lost them, or someone borrowed them, to never be returned…

Mamasperspective · 14/12/2024 12:35

I appreciate you are OCD but you can't expect everyone else to be the same - what they do with a gift once you have given it is not really your business.

Are you sure they actually like/need the gifts you are buying? They may not have the heart to tell you the gifts are not to their taste.

I would stick to vouchers from now on.

kiraric · 14/12/2024 12:35

I don't think you have to ask them what they want - I hate being asked what I want, I like a surprise but something nice or fun not an iron

LameBorzoi · 14/12/2024 12:34

SabbatWheel · 14/12/2024 12:26

I absolutely love a practical present! All those sniggering at the thought, why? Better a chainsaw than yet another unwanted set of Bayliss and Harding handwash and handcream,

However, an expensive iron isn't practical for a lot of people. Many clothes these days don't need ironing. I very rarely iron clothes.

Original poster
Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:33

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 12:29

As well as being incredibly disappointed in an iron for Christmas I'm trying to imagine how someone lost it?

And how you know that he lost the iron?

It's amazing how people make up fake information. At no point did I say I gave an iron for Christmas, or that anyone had lost it!

OP posts:
kiraric · 14/12/2024 12:33

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:29

I'd agree and never said it was. That was when they moved in together. I thought it useful as they didn't have any of this kit. Maybe I was wrong.

Show quote history

Did it not occur to you that they might not have these things because they didn't want them? That might also be why they mysteriously lose your gifts too..

What do you get your daughters?

gingercat02 · 14/12/2024 12:32

Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:13

No. But as they were starting out in life as couples I thought such gifts would help set them up. For example ironing board + iron + heated clothes rail. Tool kit and so on.
I could have bought them a box of chocolates but I thought useful long term would be better. Is that wrong ?

Show quote history

I would be so sad if someone bought me practical things as Christmas or birthday gifts, unless I asked for them. I like gifts to be treats. My mum usually gives us a food related gift voucher. This year, it's a walking food tour. Last year was a voucher towards a meal at a local Michelin * restaurant

Foundpresents · 14/12/2024 12:31

You are being that MIL. Not the worst thing, but stop now and get them a nice bottle of something instead while they hopefully still like you.

Original poster
Zebedee999 · 14/12/2024 12:31

Based on suggestions given so far I should have asked what they wanted and perhaps have given cash only then I wouldn't feel the way I do. Good points thank you.

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 14/12/2024 12:31

SabbatWheel

Ive found my soul mate!!!

I watched a worse gift, gist list and I’d happily accept a new iron over body scrub or a candle, give me a bread maker over a fluffy pair of socks and bath salts.

I’ve asked for a new bread maker.

GlasgowGal82 · 14/12/2024 12:30

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 12:29

As well as being incredibly disappointed in an iron for Christmas I'm trying to imagine how someone lost it?

And how you know that he lost the iron?

Maybe because their clothes are always crumpled because they didn't really want an iron in the first place?!