AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

She. Said. No.

Are you a man?

@possibleusername

But you also need space. That's fine. Just tell him that!

Yeah maybe next time she wants him to stop sexually assaulting her then she should also 'just tell him that' and I'm sure he will respect that and do so.

Oh wait...

Are you a man or a woman? Im not sure which would be more depressing.

I'm so sorry OP.
This struck me - within hours of you stating your boundaries and trying to reclaim your own space, he's assaulting you. In your bed.
I'm sure that he will play the part of the remorseful idiot this morning, but this is part of who he is, however well he normally hides it. He was showing you that he thinks he's in control.
You say you are strong and independent and I'm sure you are, yet this man spends nearly every night at your place. And you don't want him to. But because he's so "lovely" you haven't managed to maintain your boundaries. He's found a way of bypassing your defences. It's the "lovely" ones that scare me.

You are overreacting as well as some of others on here

He tried to have sex with her. She said no. He did not stop and then he bit her.
He only stopped because she shouted that he did not have consent and left the room.
what she described is sexual assault.
How on earth is she over reacting?

He made multiple attempts to rape her. In her own bed. Seriously?

@Codlingmoths this is the problem. Your are talking about 'rape' while I see I don't a your man in his thirties getting into his Lloyd's and long standing attractive partner (which he never violated or raped before), while he is a bit drunk and she is naked, and saying things like 'I bet you can't even get it up' (assume tone of voice at that point was friendly), and then he goes and try it off anyway, he fails, she goes to another room, he never try again or follow her, and that is that really. Where did you get the impression that this was rape??

It wasn’t a kind of bite I’d ever be happy to receive.

That's horrific. Get him out of your house safely this morning, then ring him and tell him never to come within a mile of you again.

This would be a deal breaker. A clingy guy who won't accept your boundaries will just get worse. Drunkenness isn't an excuse and most people's drunk characters are just a hidden part of their real character

@possibleusername

He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t.

She explicitly asked him to stop sexual contact, he didn't. He continued and bit her, which she clarified after your question is not something she likes.

He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

After she removed herself from the situation, having repeatedly explicitly told him to stop sexual contact, he continued.

The fact you don't understand that this is sexual assault is deeply concerning.

I hope you are never in a position to offer advice to a loved one who has experienced sexual assault.

WTAF have I just read?

Wow. So you just accept that drunk male partners will try to rape you? And the right thing to do is hold them off and leave the room? But if you were sleeping naked it’s your fault whether they are drunk or sober??
fuck off. Lots of vulnerable women on Mumsnet who deserve protection from views like yours.

Whilst he's asleep get your key off his key ring so he can't come back once you kick him out. He will try to guilt you in to keeping him but he's shown you who he is for a long time you just haven't wanted to believe him. Believe him now.

Don't be upset with yourself for not calling a taxi. It could have escalated things. He might have refused to go, there might have been a row, he may not have not been capable of leaving, so may have got even more aggressive in your room. Or he may have decided to drive home. Who knows what dramas you saved yourself and others by just leaving the situation? Well done, OP. And I'm so sorry.

Hear hear!!

What is this 'da poor menz, a naked lady is more than their primitive brains can resist!'?

His behaviour last night is inexcusable and I would, at the very least, ask for time on your own to process what happened.

However this - Many times he’s stated that I’d be “lost” without him or wouldn’t be able to do certain things without him - worries me for your future. This shows an aspect of control and I wouldn't be surprised if he's shown hints of jealous behaviour.

Don’t be upset with yourself OP; this isn’t on you. Make him leave and be done with him; you’ll never be comfortable with him after he’s had a drink again after this.
Due to a previous relationship I’m quite hyper vigilant when men have been drinking and this would be irreparable for me

@possibleusername whether you meant it that way or not, your last line is uncomfortably close to victim blaming. This is not the OP's fault.

OP, please consider reporting this to the police, or at least talking to a support service. He assaulted you and it sounds like he was already trampling on your boundaries. If you haven't already, it may also help to start working through your childhood trauma, it sounds like this may still be affecting your relationships and what you're willing to accept.

Please don't accept any suggestion this is anything other than his responsibility, and try and talk to someone in real life today about it.

Oh you poor love. He sexually assaulted you then bit you… there’s really no option here where you can stay with him and enjoy a safe future, this sort of thing will happen again. I’d be seriously considering contacting the police to be honest. I guess you could argue you can’t blame a guy for trying had he just got a bit handsy but this is so so far beyond that, I really don’t know where to start, he wasn’t respecting your boundaries and you were frightened enough to have to categorically say you didn’t consent. Protect yourself and remove him from your life, please.

I agree completely. Shades of victim blaming there too.

OP it’s nearly 8am, a perfectly reasonable time to bag up his stuff, put it by the door, wake him and kick the abusive pervert out.

Christ on a bike!!

If your with a man you can’t sleep naked next to without him trying to sexually assault you or rape you then leave him !

Having to sleep in PJ’s to keep your self safe is the lowest bar!

I can’t think of a single reason he could give that’s acceptable.

I don’t remember
I didn’t realise you weren’t into it
i was drunk and horny

You made it perfectly clear and in that moment there was no doubt that he should have stopped and apologised, drunk or not. I wouldn’t be seeing how he responds when he wakes up, I’d gather his stuff while he’s asleep and when he wakes orders a taxi to get him to his own home.

this experience alone is enough reason to end the relationship and that’s before you get to the controlling issue. You sound like an amazing independent woman, stay that way.

Let today be the day that you let this man baby go! He’s making you feel that you can’t survive/ manage without him, whereas you know you can and would do so very happily. This will start to affect friendships and your self worth so please be kind to yourself and let him go now. The issues caused by last night are enough of a reason anyway - I don’t see how you would ever feel comfortable with him again. If you’re still awake, get his stuff packed (if there is any) and if he has a key, get that too.
Today may be a tough day, but you’ll get through it and be happier for it. Good luck.

The neediness would be a turn off anyway. If he's hugely apologetic today I could let it go but I'd have a blanket rule he doesn't come back after a night out.

I'd also push back on the neediness and see how he reacts.