AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

Whilst he is asleep pack up all his stuff and put it in his car. Ensure he no longer has a key to your house.

call a friend or neighbour to come round and support you.

wake him up and tell him to leave

hes trying to chip away at your confidence telling you you won’t cope without him

virtually moving in so soon

ignoring your concerns about drunk men and not considering your feelings

attempted rape

sexual assault

bitten you

and I bet this is the tip of the iceberg if you sit down and think of times he’s been negative or tried to control what you do, who you see, when he stays over etc

You are overreacting as well as some of others on here. I didn't see details in your message that can be seen as abuse, controling behaviour etc. I'm not saying they are not there but you only talked about him in this particular event and while he was drunk. So I assume this is a one off and not his typical self.

As a one off someone touching me when I repeatedly said no, to the point where I had to leave my own room and sleep elsewhere, biting me would end the relationship. I’d never give the opportunity for round two, drunk or not.

He’s always at her place when she has asked for space, tells her she can’t live without him, ignores her boundaries. What more do you need.

In the early days of women’s refuge, you could only get a space if the man assaulted you while sober, if he was drunk or was considered “one of those things”, I thought we had moved far past the days of excusing abuse when he was drunk.

Some women have such a low bar.

I'd get him up, and get him out, permanently.

This.

Why didn't he go back to his own house?

Turning up drunk at 1:30am is SO disrespectful even before the whole sexual assault. Disgusting.

I'm so sorry this happened to you op.

My abusive ex used to start with the whole "you couldn't live without me" stuff. His mask of being a good guy also slipped when he drank.

It's very common for abuse to start this way. It's usually about 2 years in, or when the woman gets pregnant that it ramps up ime (being in 2 refuges and speaking to countless other women in abusive relationships this does seem to be a common pattern).

You aren't over reacting at all, but your brain is telling you that you are because the enormity if what has happened is a lot to comprehend.

Do you feel safe at the moment?

None of this is ‘normal’.

codependent… needing space… coming back to yours when he has his own place and knows you don’t like being around drunk people… touching you when you don’t want it…

Not healthy and not right.

I've been drunk a few times ,I've managed to not sexually assault anyone whilst drunk ..
That would be the end of the relationship for me

Or a defense barrister...

Good, sound advice here. If he has one, do take this opportunity to get your key back OP - my spidey senses tell me he won’t be easy to get rid of otherwise.

Well that would be the end of the relationship for me

You are either a man or have some deeply ingrained, internalised misogyny.

I would seek therapy for why you are excusing a man violating the consent of a woman until pushed away and shouted at.

I'll bite.

He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

This bit. This is the bit that constitutes sexual assault. Does that help?

@possibleusername

How many times does a man need to continue sexually touching someone who has said they do not consent before you consider it sexual assault?

Which detail in the OP message exactly you see as assault?

this “He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t”

this “He kept going. He bit my shoulder”

and this “When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again.”

How would you describe it?

A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.

He touched her sexually.

She asked him to stop.

He continued to touch her sexually.

She again asked him to stop specifically used the wording I do not consent and left the room.

When she returned he again touched her sexually.

How is that not sexual assault?

So basically he assaulted you?
That's the cold fact..
Surely you ltb and don't look back? Get him out of your home. Via police assistance if need be. He has no rights to be there. He has forced you from your own bed for safety reasons...
Relationship is over imo.

This.

it was attempted rape. You need to report him to the police so it goes on record.
Assuming that it is over (which I think it really should be) he will eventually hook up with someone else. Isn’t this exactly the reason Claire’s Law was created? So future women can find out what he’s like?

1. You should be able to sleep completely naked next to any man and expect them to ask for enthusiastic consent.

1. No one has a right to proceed after you say no. It doesn't matter if he is halfway inside you.

1. Being drunk is no excuse for any of that behaviour. It does not matter if he remembers or not. He did not pay attention to you verbally and physically not wanting to be intimate.

1. He knows your history with drunk men and doesn't want to protect you. He could have said "I'm going out and may get a bit drunk so will sleep at mine tonight so you don't have to see me like that". He Chose to come to you in that state knowing you find it triggering.

1. He bit you. This is something that is interesting to me because it comes accross that he either was frustrated and wanted you to shut up, or he is so insecure and codependent he was trying to physically mark/claim you.

In my opinion anyone trying to excuse him needs to think carefully.

You should feel safe in your home at all times.

He sounds like someone who actually has no reosect for your boundaries accross the board. Repeated conversations about him being too clingy/staying too much?

Beware of the "nice guy". The one who would "do any thing for anyone".
They are more sneaky because you gaslight yourself into thinking they couldn't possibly have bad intentions because they do xyz.

Edit: Sorry everyone, formatting on my mobile went weird.

@possibleusername

then he goes and try it off anyway, he fails, she goes to another room, he never try again or follow her, and that is that really.

Are you not reading properly?

She left the room to go downstairs.

And he DID then 'try again'.

Here you are, the section is below. From
OP's very first post.

So do you now see you are wrong and he did continue to touch her sexually after she repeatedly said no and left the room the first time?

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

You need to wake him up, tell him you will be going out and he has an hour to sort himself out, gather his belongings and leave your home. Get your key from him if he has one, and never speak to him again. Disgraceful behaviour. Alcohol is absolutely no excuse.

This wasn’t the problem with your post.

The problem was your minimising the OP saying no repeatedly and this man ignoring that.
HTH

Rubbish, it happened again! You get the message...

Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and shows your true colours! This man has shown that he has no respect for you. I wouldn’t care how apologetic he is - forgiving him shows that he can trample over your boundaries again and you’ll ’let’ him.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.