AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

@SpidersAreShitheads

Mate, he fucking bit her.

On top of the multiple times he ignored her saying no (including literally saying 'I am not consenting to this') and continued sexually touching her.

Do you believe that a man continuing to sexually touch someone when they have said 'no, I do not consent' is sexual assault? How about if the 'no, I do not consent' is repeated multiple times and they carry on? Is it sexual assault then?

Genuine question - how many times does a woman have to say 'no, I do not consent' for you to consider it sexual assault if the man continues to sexually touch her?

Maybe my post wasn’t clear - I said that he clearly wasn’t gently cajoling. The point I was making is that he pushed normal gentle persuasion too far because of poor judgement through being drunk.

As I said, I’d have been bloody irritated but that’s it.

But I think there are massive red flags in other areas so I think OP is well rid of him.

HE BIT HER!!
And that's before you get to him ignoring her shouting I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS.
And also before you consider that he spent all his time at hers despite her repeatedly asking him for some time to herself (and that was when he was on best behaviour).
Yes, very irritating...

I wasn’t rude or insulting to the OP and I explicitly said we all have our own personal boundaries.

This is AIBU and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to discuss different views here. That’s literally what this area is for.

The point I was making is that for me, what happened in bed is almost a side issue because the relationship sounds awful. The man being kind and sweet has masked the fact he’s trampling all over her personal space and pushing his insecurities onto her. For me, that’s a far bigger red flag but it’s something that’s easily overlooked because it’s so insidious.

I actually agree that OP is better off out of the relationship, but for different reasons.

Gentle persuasion= actually biting someone in your world?

The biting.

He actually bit you and not a bite you would ever be happy to receive?

Fucks sake, he should be in a zoo.

I would not be able to resist keeping an eye on how his life pans out. I'm an old bugger and I turned a blind eye to a lot of shite when I was younger but a subtle watch of the people involved has me realising it wasn't me. It was repeated.

Don't you think there has been enough rape apology and derailing on this thread already? Your opinions aren't helpful to the OP or anyone so please consider keeping them to yourself.

I understand that I’m completely in the minority here, but I’d have been irritated - and that’s it.

I don’t think it’s that unusual for one person to be in the mood and try to gently persuade the other in a long term and trusted relationship.

Of course no means no, and it’s not ok to carry on badgering someone. And I accept that the OP’s partner/ex-partner wasn’t gently cajoling - but it sounds like a serious case of being not able to properly judge the situation due to being overly drunk. Especially given the OP’s comment about not being able to get it up. That could easily sound like a flirtatious challenge to someone who’s pissed.

OP describes him as kind and sweet in every other way. She also said he was visibly upset and profusely apologetic this morning.

It feels like a non-issue to me. But we all have our boundaries and if OP feels this way about what happened, that’s fair enough.

It also feels as if there are multiple things going on here. Not giving OP enough personal space and crowding her is a completely different issue - and I think this is a far bigger problem than pestering for sex when drunk.

I wouldn’t throw away a great relationship for someone who once badgered me for sex when drunk. But it doesn’t actually sound like a great relationship, no matter how kind and sweet OP says he is. There’s a clear mismatch in how much time they want to spend together and he seems insistent on invading her personal space. He also seems very insecure, hence the whole “you need me” narrative.

OP you deserve far more than this.
If he’s willing to behave like this now, he will just escalate if you stay with him. He may have seemed perfect and sweet but the fact is he’s not.
You seem to have a lovely home and I also have a feeling he wanted to stay with you also for that reason.
But you stood your ground over that.
You are clearly very intelligent and resourceful and it’s time to not take in anyone else for a while at least.
And you may seem fine about being around a partner who stinks but I think it’s an added stressor on you dealing with a drunk partner.
Stay strong and don’t listen to anything resembling an apology. It’s simply too late now.
You haven’t been an idiot, you have trusted someone who has betrayed that trust.
Get back to living your own life, and give yourself some time and space.

It is awful! Lije the rug was pulled out right before Christmas. But try to focus on the fact that he finally showed his true colours and you reacted appropriately with alacrity. He chose to push your boundaries and behave drunkenly (pretty awful) and assault you and frighten you (intolerable) in the run up to Christmas. To my mind he was feeling the strain of masking his true nature for the first year. Don’t look back on the false him of the first exciting months. That was him before he had shown his true colours.

Has he got a key to yours?

You need to end this relationship now....No! MEANS NO!. He has well and truly overstepped the boundaries and he is not safe to be around.

Apart from how he was with you, just how has he behaved in the past when he's been drinking and in the company of other females? Is there a pattern to his behaviour? Has he done this before? Alcohol is NOT a licence to shag anyone at any time.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

This is who he really is. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

How are you now OP? Has he gone yet?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think you've dealt with it perfectly.

The dependency/clinginess and ignoring your boundaries would have pissed me off and concerned me, but this? Deal breaker.

100% this. This isn't a relationship problem that can be worked through. This is a dangerous abusive man.
@Alessoutingname please save yourself and get rid of him.

His comments about you being lost without him are a projection of his codependency onto you. It’s likely that he wants to feel that you are codependent as he is so has created these ideas for himself because you aren’t forthcoming with the proof he needs (because it doesn’t exist). It’s not a huge red flag, but something to look out for. There are probably other areas where he ‘makes up’ things about you to fit or validate his own narrative.

Could you really ever trust him again after this? I know I couldn’t in your shoes, and I don’t even have your history with an alcoholic parent.

Maybe he’s kind and sweet the rest of the time, but that doesn’t give him or anyone a free pass to behave like this. And I don’t think the rest of the time will make up for the lack of trust.

Dump him OP@Alessoutingname

Some weird posters here tonight!

OP: I am so sorry this happened to you. He seems like the kind of person who is specifically almost engineered to hurt you: superficially pleasing, lovely, quickly attached, love bombs you, and “only” drunk three times a year. But the drunk-drinking is actually intolerable to you, as it recreates your childhood experience. And that is true for all the rest of the 362 days when he (says) he won’t drink, or promises he won’t behave badly when drunk. He has all an alcoholic’s control over you, he has all the agency.

Please stay strong and don’t let him back in. He assaulted you and is quite demeaning/diminishing of you just to flatter his own ego. He is very bad for you.

well done, OP. I would do as others have suggested and change security code, and all pw for online accounts - log out of all other devices if poss, including your Netfix etc. Log back in again with the new PW.

And if you feel it's necessary, given your security alarm maybe not - change your locks.