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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

258 replies

Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 04:34

TW

I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year. Both mid thirties, own homes (although he seems incapable of spending any time away from me). Mostly happy relationship apart from the fact he’s very codependent.

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m at the point where I very much need a couple of nights and days away from him or if he’s massively overstepped a personal boundary. I fear the latter.

Backstory, I don’t really like being around drunk people (I do socially drink but rarely). Grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m always on edge and generally feel unsafe around drunk men in particular as a result of my childhood.

Boyfriend comes back to mine at around 1.30am, this is fine. He’s very drunk. Gets into bed and starts the usual drunk nonsense nonstop talking and repeating himself. Mildly annoying but ok. He says something along the lines of “you best not try have s€x with me tonight,” I reply jokingly “I doubt you’d be able to get it up anyway.” For context, I was in bed with just my pants on because I was warm.

The next part is what has shocked me. He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

In the end I’ve felt so uncomfortable I’ve came to my guest bedroom.

I’m upset with myself for a number of reasons. Mainly that I didn’t ring him a taxi to send him home after he made me feel so uncomfortable but I’d worry he would come to some type of harm due to his level of intoxication. I’m upset that another person who I trusted has made me feel violated in my own home, in my own bed and that I’ve felt I need to sleep in another room while he snores loudly in my lovely king sized bed!

I do love him and I’m possibly overthinking/reacting but right now I don’t ever want to be around him when he’s drunk ever again. I feel like he’s royally f#cked up and irreparably ruined our relationship.

How do I approach this in the morning? I will certainly be addressing it with him and do not want to be around him. He will be unfit to drive for a considerable time. Currently I’m thinking that I’ll be leaving him home and telling him to arrange a lift to collect his car and belongings from my home.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 07:32

(Warning - Sleeping naked near any man in a loving relationship can trigger a drive for sex!)

It doesn’t matter if she was naked, she said no. That’s all it should take. This is not on the OP.

possibleusername · 14/12/2024 07:28

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Bibbetybobbity · 14/12/2024 07:25

Good luck @Alessoutingname . One way of looking at it could be- you have one shite Christmas getting over the split, or every Christmas is ruined. They never change, and I agree with PP that he’s shown you who he really is. Whatever you do, do not have children with this man.

Lurkingandlearning · 14/12/2024 07:23

Yes, not being around him after he’s been drinking will prevent that happening again, but that doesn’t prevent you from knowing he is the type of man who does that when he is drunk.

I think it’s highly likely that the more you remind yourself of that, the love you feel for him will dwindle to nothing.

Some PPs have said they’ve done stupid things when they are drunk but I’d be very surprised if any of them included sexual assault in that.

Even if you are prepared to overlook it as a one off, why do you love a needy little prick who keeps undermining you and trying to bring you down to his pathetic level. Don’t you think you deserve a man who finds you attractive as you are and admires your independence?

anon2022anon · 14/12/2024 07:17

Oh gosh, no wonder you're upset- you've just been sexually assaulted in your own bed, by someone you love. You poor thing, I'm so sorry this has happened.

I don't think you can be with him any more. Imagine if you had been asleep or had a couple of drinks yourself? You could easily have come around to find him having sex with you, this could escalate very easily. I'm so sorry.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/12/2024 07:17

So 3 times he tried and bityou and he still wasn't taking no got an answer

He made you feel uncomfortable in own house:'/bed

Yes maybe if he is really sorry I maybe could carry on but the co dependant but is also controlling

You need some space. Boundaries of being on own for some days /nights

I don't understand why he came to yours at 130am drunk and not his place

How far away do you live from each other

💐💐 hope you can see a real life friend today

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/12/2024 07:12

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Get rid of him.

No doubt he won't get it. I think l would consider reporting it to the police and tell him that when he undoubtedly tries to minimise his actions.

Berga · 14/12/2024 07:10

Don't be that independent woman that an abusive man gets to wheedle his way in with until you break. Spending all his time with you is a way of controlling you, codependency aside. Turning up to your house drunk when he has his own home to go to and when you've told him your very valid feelings about being around drunk men, is a way of eating away your boundaries. Not stopping touching you until you shouted at him, shows that he doesn't respect you or like you, let alone love you. He bit you.

He has left you feeling violated and unsafe. Listen to those feelings. This is not the person for you.

He is going to turn up the 'woe is me' after this. Don't listen to it. Or the excuses that he didn't know what he was doing because he was drunk, because he knew enough to get himself a taxi to your house and get up the stairs into bed. This is a dealbreaker.

Cakeandcardio · 14/12/2024 07:05

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:39

I think you should end it. He carried on so you ended up in the spare room..You did maybe sound like you'd issued a challenge initially but having to actually shout and get up for him to register the no is hugely concerning.

I think you have mis-read the OP. It was the boyfriend who brought up sex by saying that the OP better not try and have sex with him. Not the OP issuing a 'challenge'.

Mumdiva99 · 14/12/2024 07:03

Whatever happens next. Why did drunk partner come back to yours at 1:30 when he has his own place.
I live with my partner but if one of ùs has gone out and the other is home in bed - we don't even wake each other up one sleeps in the spare room. He shouldn't have come to yours at all last night. Stick with that boundary in future.

BilboBlaggin · 14/12/2024 06:59

If everything else was perfect then I'd have said see how he is in the morning and whether he was remorseful and apologetic. However, the codependency is a massive turn off. I don't think I could get over the ick of what he's done, as he's shown who he is when his inhibitions are down.

I'd send him home in a taxi, then bag all his stuff up and put it in the boot of his car so that he only has to collect his keys, not enter your home again.

Sparkletastic · 14/12/2024 06:56

I'm sorry that this has happened OP. He has a lot of work to do if he is to rebuild your relationship after this breach of trust. Stopping drinking around you would be step one.

SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 06:55

For me, it’s the idea that he knew you were saying no, but he was still turned on. That’s problematic.
And the biting? Unless that’s something that you’ve discussed (no judgement, it’s just something that needs specific consent, IMO) is a problem.

Do you have an in real life person you could call in a bit?

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 06:52

SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 06:40

I’d not be able to carry on with him.

He was more bothered about proving he could get it up than your consent. Wanker.

How are you feeling this morning?

Honestly I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been up all night crying so my face and eyes are all swollen and puffy.

I’m so upset with how he has behaved. I’m angry that someone I loved and cared so deeply for has absolutely destroyed my trust and had me feeling so violated and unsafe.

Thank you for asking x

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 14/12/2024 06:47

No wonder you're devastated hopefully others that have been in your situation can advise where you go from here.
You should feel safe in your own home.
I hope you're able to get through this terrible experience.

SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 06:40

I’d not be able to carry on with him.

He was more bothered about proving he could get it up than your consent. Wanker.

How are you feeling this morning?

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 06:39

Thevelvelletes · 14/12/2024 06:32

I'd be surprised if he didn't remember because what happened and what was said was significant,I think we tend not to remember the mundane things when drunk but the above would definitely come back.
See what he has to say for himself?
Personally I think it's a big ask to be able to come back from what happened and carry on.

He mostly is the most kindest, sweetest guy. Would do anything to keep me happy and would do anything to help someone else.

There have been issues that I’ve outlined above such as him being codependent.

I’m now laid in my guest room feeling honestly sick to my stomach with eyes swollen from crying all night wondering if this is the person he’s been all along?

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 14/12/2024 06:32

I'd be surprised if he didn't remember because what happened and what was said was significant,I think we tend not to remember the mundane things when drunk but the above would definitely come back.
See what he has to say for himself?
Personally I think it's a big ask to be able to come back from what happened and carry on.

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 06:17

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:41

He still didn’t stop after she shouted.

Show quote history

Exactly

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 06:06

Thank you everyone for your comments.

You’ve all made me feel validated. I really wish I wasn’t in this situation.

For the most part he is perfect but you are all so right.

I want a partner who makes me feel safe, secure and protected. I don’t want a partner I feel I need protected from.

OP posts:
Disasterclass · 14/12/2024 06:05

This isn't codependency. It's controlling behaviour which is a form of abuse. This is only likely to get worse, so please end it. No matter what you decide, call him a taxi in the morning asap to get him out of the house and give yourself some space

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:43

Also OP, with any of my male partners I'd have felt comfortable saying ugh your drunk go and sleep in the spare room. Yet you're not. Why would you want to be in that sort of a relationship?

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:41

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:39

I think you should end it. He carried on so you ended up in the spare room..You did maybe sound like you'd issued a challenge initially but having to actually shout and get up for him to register the no is hugely concerning.

He still didn’t stop after she shouted.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2024 05:40

The codependent thing is enough of a red flag but now he's attempted to rape you. Take it as seriously as this and end it, he can get a cab home this morning

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:39

I think you should end it. He carried on so you ended up in the spare room..You did maybe sound like you'd issued a challenge initially but having to actually shout and get up for him to register the no is hugely concerning.