Am I supposed to care about friends of my sister?

Oh no. I chatter away to my partner about what's going on in my friends' lives. However, I don't see friends very often and I certainly wouldn't expect him to ask after a friend he's never met about something relatively minor such as a broken arm. I would if it were something terrible, life or death.

I do ask about friends of friends I've never met if they have cancer, for example, because of course that's terrible to go through and I know my friends will be worrying about their friends.

My mum actually talks at length about the lives of people someone she doesn't know but talked to knows. It's so boring it's unbearable. However, she'd never expect us to remember or ask after the people people she doesn't know knows!

What good do you think your concern does, @Firefly1987? If you’re concerned about suicides or homelessness, do something — see if you can train as a Samaritans listener, or volunteer for a local soup run. You being devastated because someone you’ve never met broke their collarbone mountain biking is pointless for you and for theM.

In the OP’s case, her sister doesn’t appear to have much going on in her life for her conversation to consist of ‘X person you never met has shingles’ and ‘Y person you never met had their gall bladder removed’. My mother is like this. She’s not a grief vampire, just a not very happy or confident person who prefers to have around her those who are ill, unhappy, unlucky etc because they make her feel needed. They call her to tell her about their ailments or disasters, and because she has little else going on in her life, that’s what she tells me when I see her.

My mother is like your sister and mother. She talks endlessly about her neighbours, their children, the post office staff, the delivery owner's cousins etc I don't know any of them!
She also talks a lot about television characters as I'd they are real, especially if it's a series she knows I watch.
She never asks me about my friends or neighbours, she barely even asks about my children, her grandchildren.
I don't understand it either 😂

I can understand they’d like you to show some concern because they are people who matter to them (a bit like showing interest in someone’s hobbies although you don’t enjoy the activity personally). But expecting unprompted follow up questions is a bit much.

From your post saying your sister likes to muck in and help when her friends have problems it seems to me she might like drama and a bit more enthusiasm from you would add to that. Don’t get me wrong, mucking in is always kind but I think sometimes the kind people are getting way more out of it than the people they are helping and I find that a bit distasteful/ parasitical

YANBU OP

I bet your sister describes herself as a super empathetic or a highly sensitive person but is probably a closet narcissist who just wants attention.

it really does not make any sense for you to have to show interest in mundane features in the lives of those you have never met.

some people are so weird.

If she went on about them a lot I probably would say that I'd prefer a conversation where we can both contribute rather than her telling me stories about people I don't know. I'm not interested in hearing people's monologues. If people are inclined to give monologues I tend to avoid them if they won't change

I sort of get from the other person's perspective. I think some of us do prefer to be part of a cohesive group or community with people that know each other. Real life doesn't always match that very well and it can be harder to connect with disparate people that don't overlap.

I moved away at 18, and my mum doing this when I was 50 did my head in.

I'm now in my late 60s and I've found myself doing it (much less frequently I have to say) and reporting back to my own kids about people who were their schoolfriends/my friends who figured daily in their lives as kids..

I think when your kids move away, you have so much less to talk about, because your lives are different and there's little overlap, compared to them living in the same place. So you dig around for something to talk about that you do have in common. But it turns out that you DID have that in common, but don't now.

It's a bit sad, really, and an example of how life shrinks when you're older.

Same. Just general life updates of people I don't know would be boring, but what's worse is that people who do this seem to specialise in finding bad news to tell you. Don't give me running updates on strangers illnesses, misfortunes and miseries; those people probably don't want you broadcasting their business to all and sundry, and why would anyone want to hear it? We're all surrounded by bad news as it is.

My mother is like this. My default answer is “oh right” with no tone or inflection whilst I stare at my phone. If she says anything like “you sound like you don’t care”, I confirm that I don’t. She gets in a huff but I don’t hear about Margaret’s dog’s arthritis for a couple of weeks.

It's also boring as fuck listening to stories about people you have never met.
My MIL does this. 😴😴😴

well they important to her so you could show an interest

I agree... And I'm sorry, but in my opinion it is just virtue signalling and making themselves a matyr.

Everyone I know who does this, tells everyone in great detail, expects praise for it and also they often say how tired and exhausted they are... "but it is just so rewarding to help/I could NEVER leave a friend in need".

I have to physically contain the eyerolls at this point lol.

And then inevitably they will also throw in how giving they are and also how they've been taken advantage of because of their good nature.

They want praise for doing something, everyone to acknowledge they must be the Most tired, and then unlimited sympathy when they complain about it.

Can you tell I am a bit bitter? Hahaha 😂😂😂

It is far better to do good deeds without the expectation of recognition and to maintain healthy boundaries so you don't burn out. If someone needs external validation of what a nice person they are, then they aren't really that nice at all imo.

I'd probably expect some polite interest in the moment but not beyond that. I agree that most people are only going to be interested in the life of a stranger if they are really interesting in some way.

This is definitely a mum thing. Assume sisters too after a certain age. My mum seems to forget I moved out 20 years ago and gives me in depth monologues about what's happened to her friends that I've never met and sometimes, it gets to the point where I have to say "honestly, I don't care". If it was something big then of course but it's usually "you know Matthew (internally I'm thinking no, not at all) well he's got a new job at so at so". I don't know Matthew's last name and I couldn't pick him out of a crowd but I know a lot about his life.

I assume I'll do the same.

It wouldn't keep me awake but if my sibling said their friend had been injured or was unwell I wouldn't have to feign interest, and would respond caringly in the conversation.

People can be too detached from others at times.

Haha that's true. I don't get invested in people my friends and family know, but strangers on the internet are a whole other story

For the sake of ease I would just say all the “oh no!”s in the right order and move on. They love drama, you’re just giving them a bit of attention to make them happy . No harm, just annoying and not worth making a war over.

Whattodo3094 · Today 04:07

"I think it would be weird to be emotionally invested in people you don't know."

I would tend to agree with you when people are talking about other people. But I tend to get invested in some particular MN posters asking for help so don't know🤷‍♀️

If it's minor things then I get it but if it was something major like something tragic had happened to someone would you not care either and just be like "meh I don't know them so..."?

Totally get this. A bit of superficial polite interest is normal but my DH’s grandma goes on and on about her in laws extended family,
barely met any of them so have no idea who they are and she talks to us like we know them.

having too much interest just borders on gossiping about someone you don’t know / revelling in their misfortune

You don't know them, so no you don't have to be particularly invested in them.

I see what you mean OP I had this a bit with my mum - I think tbh it’s not good when you can’t be your true self around your family members and express your true opinions