Am I supposed to care about friends of my sister?

I must be a cold hearted cow as well then. My husband comes home from work - 4 days a week. and sometimes starts blathering on about this woman and that woman, and the problems she's been having with her husband, or her mom, or her neighbour. Then he goes on about a bloke who's been having problems with his teenage son, or how difficult work is for them and how they're struggling with this and that, and how someone's had to have a warning for something, and how upset they are and worried about losing their job.... And I literally do not care.

I don't know these people. Why are you telling me this? I know it's just conversation and his world's very small (he's only got a couple of friends at work, very little family and no other friends outside work and no hobbies except TV and the internet! So most of his talking is directed at me ...) But I really, really don't care about these people.

One of his colleagues from another department who he has worked with just five or six times in three years died the other week. and he wanted to go to the funeral. It was in a town 50 miles away/3 hour round trip. And I said 'I'm not going. You go.' He pulled a face and said 'awww, come on.. Come to support me.' I said 'I didn't know her. I never met her. And YOU only met her five or six times over three years for 8 hours at a time.

He ended up spending 50 quid on flowers and had it delivered to the funeral parlour she was in... I just rolled my eyes and said (again!) 'you barely knew the woman FFS!' I was not affected by her death. I thought it was sad that a 57 year old woman died - only 3 months after the thing that killed her was diagnosed (brain tumour.) But apart from that I felt nothing. Maybe it's because I'm a cold hearted cow. Maybe it's because I didn't know her. (DH barely knew her either!)

Obvious you aren’t going to feel any emotional concern for somebody you’ve never met - I suspect they feel you aren’t bothered about the stories they are telling you/what’s going on in their lives.

Remembering a story they have told you and asking about it later shows you were listening. Looking blank and saying “Sandra who? What happened to her arm?” suggests you weren’t paying much attention.

Bill Clinton apparently used to remember one fact about everyone he met, so he could say “Ah Bob, how’s the golf going? Chantal, how are the twins?” and people loved it. Obviously Bill Clinton did not actually give a shit about Bob from Idaho’s golf game. Just think of it like that.

I have a friend who used to tell me in huge detail about the lives of friends of hers who I'd met a few times many years previously when we were all in college. I liked them well enough at the time, but my interest didn't extend to the details of their current personal lives. Interestingly my friend stopped doing this when she moved in with a new partner who has kids, and she became busier and happier. I think all that talk was driven by boredom and perhaps loneliness. Don't know if any of this applies to your sister, OP.

They may be "randoms" to the OP, but they are clearly important to the OP's sister, so I think it's rude that any talk of them would be dismissed so easily.

As an example, a friend of a friend has recently been diagnosed with cancer. My friend is supporting them, which I know is taking its toll on her. She will talk to me about what is happening with her friends treatment etc. There is no way I would just ignore this as the other friend is a "random" to me.

Couldn't give a shit about randoms at the best of times, unless they are vulnerable and I might be in a position to help in some way.
You probably have more patience for this than I would OP with your sisters friends.

She was a secret crocheter.

Just tell us what Barbara did, OP!

I think you do the 'oh no, what a shame' but then if and when she pulls you up for not being further invested in their trials and tribulations you need to explain to her that, to be honest, why should you be interested in people you just don't know..

She and your mum probably don't care about your friends either, from childhood or not, but feign interest because they care about you.

If you were so exquisitely gifted with a higher level of empathy than the rest of us, you’d understand the OP’s pov. As it is, you seem unable even to pretend a little. You’re more invested in empathising with the people the OP is writing about at 2nd hand than with the OP whose post is right in front of you, asking for support.

My mum talks a lot about her carers’ lives and people I haven’t seen for years. I make appropriate noises but I’m not invested at all, even though the carers aren’t strangers to me. They’re nice enough, but they go to mum’s to help her, not to make friends with me. I think your sister’s expectations are unrealistic.

It doesn't matter what you are "expected" to do by others, OP.
Do what suits you, nobody else will actually put you first.
😉

It has nothing to do with ‘empathy’. If you were unusually empathetic, you would be opening your house to Ukrainian refugees or organising for warm clothes for Gazan children being medically evacuated to your area (chosen at random as two things neighbours are doing for people they don’t know).

Being bored by the conversation of someone whose concerns seem to consist entirely of stories of minor woe involving the divorces, lost cats and fractures of people you have never met isn’t a sign of lack of empathy.

I do listen to my mother do this, because at 80 she’s not going to change, and she’s been doing it all her life, because she has no confidence and prefers to be around people who are unfortunate because they make her feel powerful and needed. It’s often a sign of lack or unhappiness in the person whose conversation consists entirely of X’s separation or Y’s tumour.

My sister is like this. Long, complicated WhatsApp messages to our family chat about random people she knows from work or people who she has just met (not close friends) and how they are having an awful time, someone died, someone fell over and broke something, etc. none of us know these people and it’s exhausting. She lives for the drama and feeds on other people’s tragedy. It’s horrific.

I ignore these messages completely and don’t give any encouragement.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, she’s just telling you what’s been going on in her life and you have no obligation to invest to the same level as her. In some ways it’s actually really healthy for her to be able to offload to you because you’re not as invested as she is. She clearly gets involved on a fairly deep emotional level.

if she gets upset at your lack of investment point out to her that she’s your concern and main focus. Her friends and their lives are only of actual interest at the point it impacts on her.

And you should probably find a way to gently tell her when you think she’s having the piss taken out of her.

The thing is, your sister is telling you background stuff that is going on in her life, and it sounds as if you are visibly uninterested.

I think I am a bit like your sister in that if I mention to one friend that another friend they have met but don't know well has breast cancer, I expect some response. I have noticed some people just go "Oh" and basically have no interest, and I will admit to thinking "Is there something wrong with you?" especially if they have regaled me with details of their sister's house move nightmare. Now I may know the sister, but that does not mean I am very interested in her life. Likewise OP you seem to feel that since your sister knows your childhood friends she will be interested to hear about them, whereas she may feel zero interest but be prepared to chat about them because our lives are made up of the people we see, and she is interested in what you say. She may feel that you are not interested in what she says and just let the conversation die when it is not about you and your life (including friends).

Obviously it is dull if someone has nothing else to talk about, but I wonder if you are falling short of a civil interest?

I care about people I don't know. I know not everyone does though and don't judge them for it. Some people just have a higher level of empathy.

I also wonder if the people who do this are the same people who post those things on SM that go something like 'I bet people won't like or share this, most will scroll past, but every minute, x number of people are diagnosed with x illness. Share if you care' and that kind of thing.

It’s nice to show an interest but it can be draining. My friend constantly talks about the people at their workplace and when it’s none stop it’s wearing thin. 10pm some nights I have to hear it and so I said to stop going on about work 😆

I think for me it depends on the kinds of stories the person is sharing. If it's genuinely life-altering stuff - divorce, bereavement, serious health issues and also things like losing one's home or that kind of thing, then I'm not a 'don't know them so DGAF' kind of person. I can emphasise and sympathise with people in difficult situations etc even if I don't know them. A broken arm (if straightforward and full recovery expected) or a flat tyre or lost pipe or whatever then I pretty much DGAF beyond the nod and 'oh dear how dreadful'. So i think YANBU, but on big stuff then maybe YABU a bit. For example I ask my friend how her other friend is getting on... she was admitted to hospital with an eating disorder earlier this year, and I do ask about her even though I don't know her because she's important to my friend and I can provide space for my friend to talk about it if she wants to. But again, that's big life-altering stuff.

Does your sister have a job, children, hobbies or other interests? If she doesn't, maybe she talks about these friends just for something to talk about, as she has nothing to say about herself or her own life.

My mum is like this, but she's 87 and lives alone, so her only topic of conversation is often the drama going on in other people's lives. I just nod and try and change the subject.

She sounds a real people-pleaser.

Just make the right noises and probably remind her to not stretch herself too thin for other people.

My aunt is like this - constantly updating me on how her second cousin’s child’s husband is doing and so on. I have no clue who any of these people are. I just nod and smile/make appropriate sympathetic noises.

OP, is your sister single? I ask because I am and do talk a lot about my friends to my family, simply because they are very important to me and the people I spend most of my time with - social events, holidays, quick catch-ups during the week etc. My family will talk to me about their DH/DW/DC/MIL and I will listen, nod along and comment if appropriate. I would find it very rude if I was then shutdown when talking about my friends. I realise they are not 'equal' relationships, so to speak, but the friends are obviously important to your sister, so I think the least you can do if even feign interest I what she has to say.

You're not supposed to feel any different than you do, but you are supposed to pretend to.