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Original poster

To feel sad that noone seems to care

158 replies

Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 01:54

Just feeling really sad. This is pointless and just a rant, really.

Just had a difficult situation tonight. My partner is living in supportive accommodation. The staff are meant to make sure he takes his medication but they've not been doing so. Consequently he is now in psychosis.

Got an appointment for him on Wednesday with the psychiatrist. However, this afternoon he ended up being verbally aggressive to another resident. The police were called who just said 'there's nothing we can do'.

My partner then ended up at mine very confused and agitated. Said he was never going back to his accommodation as so paranoid and deluded about what is happening there. Then left mine refusing to say where he was going. I was very concerned about his welfare and the danger to other people so I phoned the police explained the situation and explained he needed to be found and taken to the Psych hospital. They tell me they can't do anything and I need to phone the ambulance. So I phone the ambulance who explain I need to phone the police as they can't drive around searching for him, but once the police find him they will attend. They tell me the police policy to quote to the police to convince them to help. So this time they take all the details.

A few hours later they phoned me back to say the 'inspector' wouldn't do anything as I had to do "all my checks' I asked what that meant. I had to speak to all his family and friends. I said that I had of course spoken to his mum and sister, they'd not seen him, but would call the police if he turned up there. He has no friends. I was then told his mum and sister have to do 'their checks'. I asked what they meant. I was told they needed to speak to all his family and friends. I explained again that he has no friends and his only family is his mum and sister. He is not with them. While this was happening he turned up at mine again and was very agitated and ran off when he realised I was talking to someone about him. 'We'll close things now that he's back home...' I explained this wasn't his home and that he'd ran off and he was still psychotic and dangerous. 'We can't do anything, we don't know where he is...' I told them the road he would be on after leaving mine. They then told me that I should be going out looking for him. I told them I have children so wasn't able to do that. They then told me I shouldn't have let him leave. Were really nasty about it. Said if he came back to keep him there.

A couple more hours then they phone me back to tell me they aren't going to do anything as they have spoken to the 'nurse' at his supported accommodation and they have said they have no concerns, that he often goes out and will be back by 11. I have to explain to the police there are no nurses it is a carer with no expertise in mental health. And one who clearly had no handover as they certainly had concerns when he was being aggressive to another resident. I also have to explain again he has said he will not go back there. The police tell me well 'they've let him out' so he must be ok. I have to explain to them it is supported accommodation not prison and he is free to come and go, there is no mechanism for them to not 'let him out'. 'Well, we can't do anything. If he comes back you need to keep him here and phone an ambulance. I explain I'm frightened of letting him in he is highly likely to hurt me. 'Oh well, anyone might hurt you, you don't know he's going to.'

He turns up again. I let him in and manage to calm him and explain I need to phone an ambulance. He gets very agitated. I phone the ambulance, they hear my screams and send the police. Police arrive and I explain how unwell he is. I ask them to take him to the Psych hospital. They tell me they can only do that if my partner confirms himself that he is a danger to himself and others. They say they'll drop him at A&E. I ask what to do when he comes back from there...oh well phone us...

Not one police officer seemed to care at all. I understand sometimes their hands are tied but they just didn't seem to care atall. And the way they would just confidently state complete rubbish and when you pointed it out it didn't seem to have any impact. It was their way or the highway. No matter how much ignorance it was based on or how much danger people would be put in. It didn't matter to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 15/12/2024 02:09

Cableknitdreams · 14/12/2024 23:16

You probably know/tried all these already, but just in case there's anything you haven't seen:

www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/getting-help-for-someone-in-crisis/getting-help-for-someone-in-a-mental-health-crisis/

Thank you, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 15/12/2024 02:09

Cableknitdreams · 14/12/2024 23:08

Just want to send sympathy and support as I recognise everything you're describing from years going through similar with my ex.

It was back in the days before public services were decimated, but it was still almost as difficult. I used to call the crisis team only to be told they'd only come if my partner said he'd like them to...when of course someone in the middle of a psychotic episode is unlikely to do that, even if they weren't terrified of being sectioned.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers. I finally realised my own mental health needed priority as I had DC to look after and I split up with my ex.

On a brighter note, new medication (clozapine and now a very new medication with fewer side effects) made all the difference, along with now in his 40s managing symptoms much better, not been in hospital for 15 years, and he's a great dad to our DC, we coparent and are on good terms.

Changing the medication to one that actually worked was essential, but took years of intensive involvement and pushing for it, on my part.

You understand exactly!

My DP's MH is usually very well controlled. He's on clozapine. Just the house have lots of new staff who have not been making sure he takes it. From now on I'll keep his medication so this won't happen again.

I'm glad your children's dad is settled now and able to be a great dad. So lovely to hear.

OP posts:
CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 00:55

I’m so sorry what a heart wrenching situation to be in. It does seem more and more that as services are stretched that “care” seems to not be there. Hoping for more positive things coming your way OP

janeavrilavril · 15/12/2024 00:25

From experience, there is a not a single agency who wants to take control of a 'patient' in psychosis. And as there are many different psychotic states, the patient could answer any questions asked of them with completely normal responses, particularly if the patient is intelligent with a paranoid/delusional psychosis. Sadly you are going to have over egg the entire situation and attempt to get him signed in, which is not easy. He has to be a threat to his own life or someone else's life. Obviously you would know him and he possibly is a threat to himself and so you tell them he is suicidal and when he is brought in, you need to up the ante and get him put in, signed in. so family members should be involved all reading from the same sheet. It sounds horrible but it is the only way you will get any help.

Cableknitdreams · 14/12/2024 23:16

You probably know/tried all these already, but just in case there's anything you haven't seen:

www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/getting-help-for-someone-in-crisis/getting-help-for-someone-in-a-mental-health-crisis/

Cableknitdreams · 14/12/2024 23:08

Just want to send sympathy and support as I recognise everything you're describing from years going through similar with my ex.

It was back in the days before public services were decimated, but it was still almost as difficult. I used to call the crisis team only to be told they'd only come if my partner said he'd like them to...when of course someone in the middle of a psychotic episode is unlikely to do that, even if they weren't terrified of being sectioned.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers. I finally realised my own mental health needed priority as I had DC to look after and I split up with my ex.

On a brighter note, new medication (clozapine and now a very new medication with fewer side effects) made all the difference, along with now in his 40s managing symptoms much better, not been in hospital for 15 years, and he's a great dad to our DC, we coparent and are on good terms.

Changing the medication to one that actually worked was essential, but took years of intensive involvement and pushing for it, on my part.

Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 22:53

BeNavyCrab · 14/12/2024 21:39

The lack of care and organisation is staggering. Surely the police should have been given the name of who they were supposed to be seeing in the café! It's totally unacceptable for you to be put in the position of trying to manage his mood and outbursts all day, by yourself. I'm so sorry for you, and the other poster who had a similar experience. This is very frightening. As an insulin dependant diabetic I have experienced hypos, that to a lay person look similar to being very drunk or confused. I used to think that I would get help if it happens when I am out and about but now I don't feel confident in that at all!

Oh, gosh, sorry I don't mean to frighten you! I think if you are alone you would probably be more likely to get help. If they know the person has someone I think they just leave you to it.

I just know it will probably be a repeat tomorrow. There needs to be a different number you can ring for help with mental health issues!

OP posts:
BeNavyCrab · 14/12/2024 21:39

The lack of care and organisation is staggering. Surely the police should have been given the name of who they were supposed to be seeing in the café! It's totally unacceptable for you to be put in the position of trying to manage his mood and outbursts all day, by yourself. I'm so sorry for you, and the other poster who had a similar experience. This is very frightening. As an insulin dependant diabetic I have experienced hypos, that to a lay person look similar to being very drunk or confused. I used to think that I would get help if it happens when I am out and about but now I don't feel confident in that at all!

Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 18:37

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/12/2024 17:38

God op, I’m so sorry, how frightening. I am not that surprised at your experience though - I have a family member who went through similar with psychosis, and I was utterly shocked at the lack of support, and general lack of care. (We were hundreds of miles away in another country). I hope your partner gets the help he needs.

Thank you so much and I'm sorry you and your relative had to experience the lack of care too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 18:02

BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 11:55

He almost certainly won't just wait in A&E for hours on end while suffering psychosis. You'd hope they'd do a MH assessment but if he doesn't seem a danger to himself or others they may not section. I really hope things improve for him and you x

I gave him his medication before the police took him so he slept the night in A&E. I went there in the morning and got him some food and drink and kept him calm. Then they came and said he needed to go to the mental health department. He then became really agitated, left the hospital with no shoes on and started throwing things at people on the grounds, screaming and crying. I ran back to A&E and asked for help. They said they would speak to security. I went back out, but no-one came to help. I managed to calm him down.

He wanted to go into town and get lunch. So we did that. He was very delusional and just not himself at all. I phoned the out of hours adult social care, they told me to speak to the crisis team who told me to take him to A&E. I explained we had just come from there. They told me to speak to the ambulance service. They said it could be up to 12 hours for them to attend. I said I was only just about managing to keep him calm and we couldn't stay in the cafe for 12 hours. I explained I was frightened of him kicking off. They said they would send the police. A while later 3 police officers walked into the cafe. I asked who they were there for they replied 'I don't know' and left. Then I get a call from the police saying they couldn't find us!! I explained I saw them walk in, spoke to them and they walked out. I was making calls when my partner was in the toilet etc so as to not agitate him. But he was with me when the poice called and it all kicked off again. He grabbed my phone off me and was ranting and raving. Punching things outside the cafe and down the road. The police never came back.

I managed to find a b and b for him. We went to his house to get some of his things. He was very paranoid about the staff and residents and very agitated so I asked the manager who answered the door to get him some clothes and his phone and charger. She refused and said she couldn't go in his room. She said he would have to get them. I explained if he came in it would kick off and people could get hurt. She continued to wind him up. It wasn't until he threatened to headbutt her that she changed her mind. She then made a big fuss about him having to tell her what he wanted. I couldn't say! So finally got him in the B&B. Gave him his meds so he should have a good sleep. Just got tomorrow to deal with now but don't think there's anymore I can do. I've no more ideas of who to phone. We have an appointment with his social worker on Monday who will hopefully help and I can speak to his care coordinator. It's just typical this happens on a weekend!

Thank you for all the support. It is helping me enormously x

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 14/12/2024 17:38

God op, I’m so sorry, how frightening. I am not that surprised at your experience though - I have a family member who went through similar with psychosis, and I was utterly shocked at the lack of support, and general lack of care. (We were hundreds of miles away in another country). I hope your partner gets the help he needs.

Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 17:28

DowntonCrabby · 14/12/2024 11:49

Honestly OP you need to put yourself, your DC and yours and their safety first.

A man mentally unwell enough to need to live in supported accommodation, who you feared would likely hurt you is not a partner in any sense of the word.

I absolutely appreciate he is very ill and this isn’t anyone’s fault but the services letting you all down but really really think about yourself and your DC. Flowers

Thank you, yes, I have put my DC's safety first, hence not following police advice to put them in harms way.

People do not go into supported accommodation because they are acutely unwell. Normally, he manages his mental health well. It is just because of problems at the house with staff not doing their job.

No, he's not a partner right now. But there is noone else to look after him and no help from services.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 17:21

MaybeALittle · 14/12/2024 11:48

OP, it’s horrifying, and I’m sorry you’ve been so stressed, but, bluntly, what’s in this relationship for you? I’m assuming that if your partner is living in supported accommodation, that it’s not a new situation, or a temporary period of psychosis in someone who is generally able to manage their MH with help?

It is temporary as when on his medication he is able to manage his MH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 17:20

Ella31 · 14/12/2024 11:42

Op, I've no advice I'm so sorry though. This is horrific. I couldn't read and run without saying that. Would it be an option to contact your local councillor and repeat what you have told us.

I also think you are incredible. Edited. Just to add that.

Edited

That is so kind of you to say. And yes, that is a good idea.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 11:55

He almost certainly won't just wait in A&E for hours on end while suffering psychosis. You'd hope they'd do a MH assessment but if he doesn't seem a danger to himself or others they may not section. I really hope things improve for him and you x

DowntonCrabby · 14/12/2024 11:49

Honestly OP you need to put yourself, your DC and yours and their safety first.

A man mentally unwell enough to need to live in supported accommodation, who you feared would likely hurt you is not a partner in any sense of the word.

I absolutely appreciate he is very ill and this isn’t anyone’s fault but the services letting you all down but really really think about yourself and your DC. Flowers

MaybeALittle · 14/12/2024 11:48

OP, it’s horrifying, and I’m sorry you’ve been so stressed, but, bluntly, what’s in this relationship for you? I’m assuming that if your partner is living in supported accommodation, that it’s not a new situation, or a temporary period of psychosis in someone who is generally able to manage their MH with help?

Ella31 · 14/12/2024 11:42

Op, I've no advice I'm so sorry though. This is horrific. I couldn't read and run without saying that. Would it be an option to contact your local councillor and repeat what you have told us.

I also think you are incredible. Edited. Just to add that.

Greenbretonstripes22 · 14/12/2024 03:12

I am so sorry op. The way that people suffering with their mh get passed around from pillar to post is absolutely shocking and inhumane.

This problem has been known about for years and yet nothing is done. A decision has been made in Whitehall at some point that this will be the policy now.

All successive governments seem to do is write reports and then no action follows. It’s a downright disgrace.

Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 02:52

Imonmyway · 14/12/2024 02:46

Sorry this is happening to you. Wonder would they section him at a&E? Then he can't leave? Sounds like at this point he might need that

I'm hoping they do, but the way it works is first he will be seen by the physical health team, then when given the all clear the mental health team will assess. It could be a long wait for that and in the meantime he can leave. I spoke to the mental health team a hour ago and he's not been refered to them yet. But I can't get through to A&E to find out if he is still there.

OP posts:
Imonmyway · 14/12/2024 02:46

Sorry this is happening to you. Wonder would they section him at a&E? Then he can't leave? Sounds like at this point he might need that

Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 02:46

Lucybeary · 14/12/2024 02:40

I'm really sorry to hear this. As if you don't have enough to deal with without the police making the whole thing worse for you. The sense that people don't care is really stressful. I've got something similar going on so I relate, though for me it's not actively happening atm. Hugs to you, people do care, the system is messed up though and sadly I've had similar experience with police officers (not all) so I know how it can make you feel x

Thank you. I'm sorry you can relate. But yes, it felt so stressful. I have a horrible tension headache. You just like to think that if you were really in dire straights, help would be there. And finding out that isn't the case is pretty horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 02:43

SpiritOfEcstasy · 14/12/2024 02:34

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Feelingsad1987 what a horribly stressful and upsetting situation. The system is undoubtedly broken. But you’ve done the best that you can. Sending hugs.

Thank you, really appreciate that x

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsad1987 · 14/12/2024 02:42

Candy24 · 14/12/2024 02:24

This breaks my heart. My son had to hurt himself before they would help. And even then they treated him like he was the problem. Compassion is gone and honestly Im sad.

I'm sorry to hear about your son. And yes, that's it. No compassion.

OP posts:
Lucybeary · 14/12/2024 02:40

I'm really sorry to hear this. As if you don't have enough to deal with without the police making the whole thing worse for you. The sense that people don't care is really stressful. I've got something similar going on so I relate, though for me it's not actively happening atm. Hugs to you, people do care, the system is messed up though and sadly I've had similar experience with police officers (not all) so I know how it can make you feel x