(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

She had known him longer than 36 days - they had previously been in a relationship in 2019, and the 36 days refers to the length of their current relationship. Not that this explains or excuses anything, of course.

"how can a woman who works in a nursery and looks after her own child we'll end up pushing a dead child around for 3 days after letting someone she barely knows kill them"

The conclusion was drugs. The type that most posters, on a thread last week wanted legalising. It would mean the death of a lot of children.

I worked with Family Legal Aid cases, aboit a decade ago.

The number of women who would not, or could not, leave abusive men to protect their children was extremely high then and doubtless remains the same now. These men were often the fathers of the biological fathers of the children, though equally often new boyfriends. These women generally lost their children to the care system, and the cycle of lying about not being with said men, getting caught out and the children being removed again begins.

Many, many people are from the sort of backgrounds where SS have been involved for multiple generations, multigenerational familial abuse - sexual or otherwise, is the norm within them.

They are dysfunctional to a degree the average normal person cannot even begin to imagine. It would be rare in these cases that the introduction of the new boyfriend is the only cause for concern or was the beginning of abusive patterns of behaviour. The trigger for escalation maybe, but not the beginning of a cause for concern.

It was a relatively short period I worked in that field but some of the things I saw during it will never leave me. I don’t know how social workers and those who work long term with such individuals cope long term, with the awful things they see.

Dreadful. Like a PP I never brought a man into our home and even though my DC are older now I’m unlikely ever to want a man living with me. I never understood why women bring a non biological male into her children’s home.

Been on MN for many years in different guises and best piece of advice I read here about being a LP was to “keep a new man away from your heart and away from your home”. It’s sound advice IMHO.

I think that they should be held to account. However I was a CP SW and I've never carried out a parenting assessment on such women and there hasn't been generations of abuse. If you read the thread on grumpy men and the women not only walking on eggshells around them, but teaching their children to as well, it's low level abuse. I read low to medium abuse on here all of the time. These are women, fairly educated and in good employment. So it isn't surprising that as those drop, the potential for further abuse rises. In the Gleason-Mitchell case, it was drugs. In other cases it can be learning difficulties (meaning vulnerability), personality disorders, MH or that just as men can be abusive, so can women.

This is horrifying to read. Really sorry for you.

Because some women don't care as long as they have a man. I couldn't imagine any man coming before my two particularly when my DS was small.

Even if it's not horrific abuse some women will allow a man to be front and centre and neglect the rounded emotional development of their child. My ex friend admitted she let her DC down because all she thought about was the man and her continued relationship instead of getting of her arse to provide and look after her DC. This was a woman who had plenty to say about how I raised my DS.

It's always been the way though and it will continue.

I’ve never understood why mums move new boyfriends in so easily and quickly. It’s a recipe for disaster. The DC feel resentful and pushed out, and if he has children from a previous marriage it creates so many problems.

Of course the bigger question is why are some men abusive, dangerous, violent arseholes?

Yes, this.

Theyre irresponsible shitbags.

My mother kept us with our violent and alcoholic father because "we wouldn't have been able to live in that big house with the lovely garden if I left. We'd be in some horrible council house. What would people think."

So basically, for her, appearances and what other people thought was more important than stopping her children being abused and beaten.

I think the women who allow their children to be abused are just as much a monster as the man hurting them. These women may have reasons for being what they are, terrible, sad reasons, but those reasons do not make them any less a monster.

There's a bit of a myth that women are passive onlookers in these tragic cases. But actually a good number are active participants in the abuse.

I can't work it out OP. I don't understand why this woman, who had no history of child abuse and held down a good job allowed some spotty toe rag to kill her daughter. Her daughter was perfectly well looked after and seemingly loved beforehand.

Abuse isn't an excuse as she barely knew him and there's no evidence he was abusing her. From what I've read her daughter died under horrific circumstances and she just watched.

She seemed reasonably intelligent and wasn't vulnerable so I've got no idea. Surely there must be sociopathic tendencies in a mother who watches her child get killed.

Inadequate parents come in either gender. Thry put their own needs above the protection of their children. 😞

I've seen it. A mum at primary school came up to me in the playground (few years ago) and asked me where the best place to meet men was as she had just broken up with her partner and didn't like being single. I literally didn't know what to say to her. it might also explain why her child is a nightmare and I think was bullying mine.

I'm not saying this was the case here, but often the fathers aren't interested in being full-time single parents.

OP you only have to read MN for a couple of weeks to see many women who will put up with mind-blowing crap, rather than be without a man.

So many posts say things like “DH is a good man, but DD (not his) winds him up, and sometimes he snaps. But the rest of the time we have a good life, he works hard to support us, and I couldn’t afford a nice house and garden on my own” etc etc. And those are the better ones. There are plenty of other posts saying things like “DH is an alcoholic and he smacks DS (not his) sometimes, because DS can be noisy. DH hits me too, but at other times he’s really loving”.

What annoys me is that these men who murder kids, and women who are complicit in it, often get out of prison in time to have more kids. And of course, with social services as stretched as they are, no one intervenes when they abuse the next lot of children. I think child murderers/facilitators should be sterilised.

Again, I’ve met plenty of Nursery workers I wouldn’t leave children with… another rather uncomfortable truth

I would not be surprised if she refused to relinquish isabella to her parents as she didnt want to give up the "baby" translation money / benefits she was getting which she was using to buy crack cocaine for her and that scrote Scott

This latest case blows my mind.
Chelsea was a nursery worker!!!! You couldnt make it up.
She had a supportive family and had options for both her and isabella.

I cannot believe Chelsea only got 10 years and will be out in 5.... probably having more neglected abused kids for easy cash once out

Its an absolute travesty and that poor little soul isabella has been failed miserably by everyone including posthumously by the system.
The pictures of her laughing and smiling are heartbreaking. I have cried for her more than once.

The fact chelsea was laughing drinking taking selfies and pushing her dead child around town dumping shopping on her dead corpse for 3 DAYS is obscene.

The mothers nonchalance and frankly bizarre statement about how she wasnt even crying by the end and it was like "she just stopped feeling pain" comes across as her pretending isabella didnt die in agony.

Isabellas official cause of death was because bone marrow entered her bloodstream.
Bonemarrow. From inside your bones. Entered her bloodstream.
I cant even imagine the pain.
And before that she will have been screaming "mummy help me" which her mother sat watched and ignored.

Because the ‘you never know love until you’ve had a child’ spouted by mothers to the childfree clearly isn’t the case for everyone.

That may well be true, but you have to realise often the fathers don’t want them.
Children make life incredibly difficult. And I’m sure I’ll get lambasted for it but most men do not want that level of difficulty. So they’ll either do a half arsed job - putting the children in dangeror the children won’t be any safer from abuse of a different type - usually psychological from the step mom.

Women are abusers, psychopaths, violent, thieves etc too. Just because they’re a ‘mum’ doesn’t make them Mary Poppins. Sad I know. I would defend my kids like a lioness so it’s hard to comprehend

Within our family, her dad went out to work one day and literally just dropped dead and that was it. The whole family just fell apart from there onwards. Her mother was just trying to keep body and soul together and never offered any support to her teenage daughters which led them to being susceptible to predatory men.

Five years later, her mum died of brain cancer. And that was that the whole support system collapsed.
An alcoholic moved in and it was downhill from there onwards.

She’s never been able to survive without a man.
And her children paid the price.

I have a relative who constantly moved much older men into her home with her very young daughter. She was quite clear that she didn't want to be in her own and that was it