(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

Yes. It tends to be that when a woman abuses her child it’s assumed she’s a victim of some sort, that a man must have coerced her to do it. Or she’s vulnerable. Or she’s experienced trauma. Do the same people who make these assumptions speculate whether a man who abuses children is vulnerable or has experienced some kind of trauma?

Women are capable of abusing children of their own volition just as men are. Women shouldn’t be treated more sympathetically when it comes to abuse just because they’re women. Sexual abuse where the perpetrator is female is barely acknowledged, and if it is it tends to be perceived by the public as a much lesser crime.

Women are so desperate to no be alone they’ll prioritise awful boyfriends and ignore all the red flags. My friend is a family court solicitor and her experience is that many women do not put their dc first in these situations.

@Dweetfidilove It's hard. Because of severe financial abuse not recognised by anyone (as well as psychological abuse and coercive control), I lost so much when I left a decade ago.
My ex-husband lives in a huge house complete with swimming pool and hottub whilst we still live in privately rented a decade on. My sons live with him the majority. Life financially remains doable. Just.
I have had counselling recently and for the first time ever I do not blame myself for the "selfish" decision to leave.
As my counsellor said, better to have a loving mum a little of the time than no loving mum at all.
I'm still fucking angry though.

@WindyRedAlert I'm not sure. We certainly did get physical abuse but it was never extreme, it wasn't done where it could be seen.
The neglect and emotional abuse was much worse.
I don't know why you don't read about it as often, other than at home it was drummed into us that we absolutely do not talk about what happens in the family, and when I got up the nerve to tell a teacher she laughed and told me not to make up stories, everyone knew my parents weren't like that.

This.
Worse in some ways as biologically they should be hardwired to protect the child in a way the men aren't.
Something is seriously wrong with society and many many individuals within it.

cock is king.

you see it all the time.

as pp have said how many times on here do you read about dreadful, dreadful men and then have to read the next sentence which is about how good he is with the kids or how much he loves them or the kids love him and how great he is apart from when he's drinking / doing drugs / screaming at them / hurling abuse / kicking them round the kitchen.

You are not responsible for someone else's behaviour but you sure as shit are responsible for yours. The adult has a choice, the child has no choice.

If nothing else inspires you to fix that lackadaisical attitude to independence, protecting your children should.
Then again, some folks believe keeping their children in these situations is protecting them from poverty and judgement.
I just pity the children raised in these unhealthy and unsafe environments; often to grow up and repeat the cycle.

There was a thread on here last night about a woman who was heavily pregnant to a volume man with severe MH issues pleading for advice how to “get” social services understand that he was a great father after he’d assaulted her again.

They care more about having a partner than the child.

I was once on a jury where it was apparent one of the reasons the complainant's abuser was not stopped years before the complainant was old enough to be able to stop it herself was because when she tried to tell someone the mother mistakenly thought she was accusing mum's boyfriend.

The stupid mother put her own relationship above her daughter's safety and wellbeing and although the authorities were involved it was brushed off as made up because they focussed on the wrong person. Just appalling.

My mum was a safeguarding lead for many years and has told me that it is not uncommon for women to protect men who abuse their children because they don't want to be alone.

@OutWithTheMule It is, insofar as biological parents are not always safe either.
The "professionals" are often failing children by simply not identifying abuse.

There are a lot of very damaged people out there. There is very little help and support available. Certain types of men prey on these damaged, vulnerable women. It creates generations of damaged, traumatised and abused and/or abusive people. Unless you've been abused, it's hard to understand, especially trauma bonding. For some people, it's a case of better the devil you know. It overrides everything we know about decency and behaviour.

@Dweetfidilove I agree; there are many women who prioritise lifestyle (and probably not having to work) over everything else. But the issue is often exacerbated by the fact that these women have happily become entirely financially dependent in the first place.

Apparently it's easier, as you can't leave the children to go on dates, etc. It's also nice to have someone to cuddle and watch the telly with as evenings are otherwise lonely - said I colleague who was having her 4 boyfriend in less than 2 years. She was something else all together.

Because they are insecure and desperate. My mother chose a convicted paedophile over me and her grandchildren (who she also exposed to the risk of abuse). Thankfully, I don’t believe my children were ever harmed, but I think they would have been if I hadn’t stepped in and cut her off. He abused another child in his family before they met, which he pled guilty to, and other (not related) children since they have been together (not caught but my mum told me it happened).

It’s because she is insecure and desperate and it’s easier to live in a fantasy world believing you have the ‘perfect man’ and the ‘perfect life’ than to live in reality. For her, it’s very #blessed and very social media glossy, which belies what is really going on behind closed doors. For some people, that’s worth more than family and genuine connection.

I cannot even begin to fathom throwing my own children away for a man. Even if Dh - who is the loveliest man ever - did something horrible to either of them, he’d be straight in the bin. I think some people are so messed up though that their attachments are so surface. They will happily discard a child they claimed to love because something new and shiny came along. They feel so bad about themselves that they chase anything that gives them a little hit of self worth. Absolutely pathetic really.

Women like her are a dime and dozen on this forum. It doesn't matter what advice they get, even from children who were raised in said circumstance, they will not be moved. So sad ☹️.

Would you say with middle class parents it's more likely to be verbal and emotional abuse rather than physical abuse and that's why you rarely read about such cases ?

The last paragraph makes no sense if you’re a well adjust woman - I assume you are. It wasn’t going on in secret.

Surely you would trust your own instincts as to whether a guy you’re dating is decent or not. There are red flags more often than not, but for some reason they are often ignored and like clockwork things get worse and worse.

These monster mothers aren’t oblivious to what’s going on, they know it’s happening! They don’t do anything to stop it. They are culprits of their child’s suffering. The vast majority of mothers would do anything to protect their children.

(I’m not talking about the case of little Sara as it was her monster of a dad)

@OutWithTheMule It wasn't for Sara Sharif. Her own father killed her, after being awarded custody despite a huge amount of evidence that he was a violent man.
The "Father's rights at all costs" is an incredible dangerous rhetoric.

@WindyRedAlert they do, my parents were both middle class in very good jobs, both well respected.
Which meant that nobody believed it when I tried to tell them.

They come in all social classes too . It seems to be the working / under class abuse cases that make the headlines though.

Add carers to that.

I'm neuro divergent, I have complex trauma, I was emotionally neglected by my narc mother (occasional v mild physical abuse too - eg "accidentally" slamming a door on my fingers), I've been sexually assaulted and had some not great relationships. I'm medicated but still struggle with anxiety, depression and low self esteem. I'm an ex self harmer and have addiction issues.

I, and many, many women like me, would lay down my life for my kids and would never in a million years allow anyone, male or female, to hurt my children.

There is simply no excuse - women who do this should be sterilised.

Some people are just crap abusive parents and they have lots of children who grow up yearning for a family of their own to heal their trauma so have a lot of children very young and the cycle repeats and repeats.

Nailed it. We talk about trauma, dysfunction and vulnerability, but an awful lot of these woman are selfish individuals who prioritize their own wants above that of their children. They are not vulnerable - they re inconsiderate and neglectful and thoughtless.