(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

The amount of posters on this thread making excuses for female child abusers is sickening.

The differences are cultural, not biological.

I think the women who do this are often dysfunctional or vulnerable. Maybe they come from a background of abuse themselves. I think they very often feel dependent on the man.
I agree that it's heartbreaking. If your own mother won't protect you, what chance do you have?

Yes, ACEs are certainly part of therapy, mentoring, parent support and safeguarding training I've done in recent years for voluntary work!

The whole point of this thread is that I just can't wrap my head around the reasons a mother would allow someone to abuse her child and even cover it up from them when we are hard wired to protect our children. What are the reasons for this total lack of care for their children?

Gaslighting. Abuse. Fear. No where to go. No money to find their own place. Hard-wired into accepting shit men for themselves.

More importantly, why are you not asking the question, why do men do this in the first place? why do they consider it acceptable to abuse a child and, usually, the mother too? Why do they gaslight, abuse, control and who knows what else?

Usually it's because the mother has never had a chance to learn she's allowed to be treated in an acceptable way and, as she was treated similarly as a child and everyone said that was ok, she has no way if realising it isn't ok.

There's also the problem that some mothers unconsciously see their children as an extension of themselves, so, as they think it's ok/normal for themselves to be abused, they're unable to separate how their children are treated.

Also there's fear of abandonment and rejection (by the abusive partner).

It's hard to conceive of this if it hasn't happened to you. I can just about imagine it in cases of abuse where things that were completely normal and accepted in my childhood (e.g. shouting at and hitting children) are now (rightly) unacceptable, as I can see it's confusing for mothers who were treated like that by their families and now by their partners and were told it's fine or their isn fault, suddenly to be blamed and told it's wrong when their partners treat their children like that.

I can't imagine how a mother sees and allows her children to be injured and killed though. It's devastating.

But biological parents are a completely different ball game because they have rights and it takes court orders and social services to remove them. The mother isn't allowing abuse from a biological parent, they literally don't have the power to stop them and need the authorities to do so.

It's not a completely different ballgame. Plenty of biological parents allow the other biological parent to abuse their children, turn a blind eye or actively participate and it never gets reported. If we go with the argument that women do this because they're coerced, vulnerable or because of trauma, why do you think the perpetrator being a biological parent makes any difference?

their own mother should protect them first and foremost! And that's what I can't understand, how a mother can allow someone to abuse her child.

Becoming a mother doesn't automatically make you a good, kind, nurturing person. There are many people in this world who will put their own wants and desires above all else, regardless of who it harms. Some of them are mothers. The idea that it's unfathomable or vanishingly rare for mothers to behave in this way is harmful because the issue gets swept under the rug. Abuse gets missed, children reporting abuse from their mothers may not (and have not, in many cases) be taken seriously. Children may not recognise what is happening is abuse because of the perception of mothers as protectors. People roll their eyes when fathers accuse mothers of inflicting abuse or neglect on their children. Sure, plenty of these accusations will be malicious but it shouldn't be assumed that this is always the case.

Until as a society, we begin to demonstrate true respect for women who are bringing up children alone, there will always be women seeking out any relationship as a means by which to convey outward respectaiblity to society. And, increasingly, to just be able to manage financially.

It is easy to stand in judgement over these women from a place of respectability, safety and financial security and forgetting that not everyone has what you have. Much harder when you're in the thick of it. And not every man who abuses a child does so openly.

My step father abused me. I never realised it was abuse until I saw him beating up my 18 year old sister (for the first time a few months ago) and I realised just how fucked up it actually is.

My mother used to always make me feel like I deserved it, I triggered him, I was a difficult child, I was an awful teenager, I was disrespectful etc. She defended him again in the same way when I confronted them about what I saw (yes I reported it to the police).

My mother hasn't left him, she has instead told everyone that I have it all very wrong and my sister has been showered with gifts for compliance but also she continues to be gaslit, that she is the problem.

I do believe my mother and my step father are both narcissists. My mother focuses on image and how she is viewed by everyone and so hangs onto my rich step father and posts all about their superficial life all the whilst slandering me.

So, why do mothers allow this abuse to happen? Because they care about themselves and their image (even though that's clearly distorted) more than their children

It's an alien concept to me when my kids hurt I hurt it breaks my heart to see them suffer,
To stand back and allow someone to deliberately hurt them is not something I can get my head around

Blimey.

someone needs to tell all the psychiatrists, nurses, HV‘s, MH teams, social services and more besides in the county of Sussex then.

Because it’s part of all the student and professional training. Now and ongoing. 😧

@feelingalittlehorse prior to it being a “right” it was an inevitability due to lack of contraception. There have always been inadequate, abusive parents. Perhaps the biggest difference now is the element of conscious choice involved.

Because for some reason, unbeknownst to many, it has now become the societal norm that having a child is your God Given Right, if you decide to have one. And voicing an opinion the other way is now seen as offensive.
There are lots of people out there- male and female- who just categorically, should not be parents. Now be that due to unresolved trauma, abuse, addiction, illness - whatever the excuse is given, but I actually think this enables some behaviour.
There are many mothers and fathers out there that have grown up in abusive households that do not subject their children to the same. ‘Blaming’ past trauma just minimises the work done by those who have overcome it and gone on to do better by their own families.

We have become a society that places the parent’s right to have a child, over the safeguarding and future welfare of said child. I’m not sure what the solution is, but what I do know is that it’s always the children who suffer.

I haven't read the full thread as I can see it will be too triggering.

As a child that was in this situation ( I am pretty sure my mum knew anyway) I want to say something to you. Please be careful what you say to your children. My mum used to say if anyone touches you I will kill them. This scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to be responsible for that, and my mum going to prison so I kept quiet. Acted out in other ways hoping she would click. But she either ignored it or I wasn't obvious enough.

Just make sure they can always come and talk to you, no judgement but dint say things like I will flay them, kill them etc that's a terrible thing for a child to have to take onboard when they want to say I don't like the way your boyfriends touch me when they put me to bed.

Also a lot seem to have learning disabilities.

Because people think that abuse only happens on bleak council estates . People judge by appearances and top show.

ACEs have been removed for a few years now and are no longer in use. They cause harm to the children and were never meant to be used in the way they are now.

People with past abuse/trauma are less likely to cause harm to others in the future.

I don't think "most men" don't want to look after their children.

I work with many many families who’s children are removed due to not prioritising the child(ren)’s wellbeing over their partner.
The majority of cases of shaken baby are done a partner that is not related to the baby.
Mothers prioritise abusive partners for a myriad of reasons.
Substance addiction.
ACE’s in their own childhood.
DV being the norm in their own upbringing.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of leaving the perpetrator.
Learning difficulties.
Isolation.
General inability to parent safely.
Thats NOT to say that those who have any of the above are predispositions to invite a partner into their lives that is a threat to their children. Far from it.
But when it does happen, especially when more than one of the above is present - which is often the way - they are some of the risk factors within the child’s life that means their parent puts them in danger.

These women are sociopaths or have severe attachment disorders - and are often care experienced themselves, or they are in a hopeless state of addiction. I work with families like this and it is horrendous.

I know a lady who got with a lunatic - red flags within a month of dating, but she minimised it and continued the relationship and went on to have a baby with him. People tried to warm her that it would end in disaster but with no avail.

His aggression got worse after their son was born and she did leave him after a few months. SS said you need to remove yourself and DS and tbf she did just that.

She now sees how vile he is and won’t let him any where near their DS6 and quite rightly so as he’s unpredictable, aggressive, and you wouldn’t trust him with a dog.

The strange thing is, he’s threatening to take her to court for contact etc and she’s asked a solicitor about the likely hood of him getting access and apparently it’s high.

I mean how can this be? She’s told to remove her child and herself away from him or SS will be involved so she does then a few years later she’s supposed to agree with him having contact on his own…. How?!

How can you let someone you've known for 36 days live with you, let alone your child. She'd then allowed him to abuse her daughter. This is an unpopular opinion on MN, but I don't care, I hope she never knows a moments peace in prison and gets very, very harsh retribution

There is societal pressure to be in a relationship or be seen as a weirdo. Even more so when someone has children. How many times have we seen/do we see women being criticised for being single mothers?