TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

Sorry, but this is rubbish.

Something like 85/90% of victims of sexual abuse are female. Perpetrators are pretty much all male (or male with support from a woman).

If previous abuse is a trigger to become an abuser, then why do the statistics not show 90% female Perpetrators?🤔

I'm fed up with people excusing male violence and setting the bar for behaviour on the floor.

Also, how are judges repeatedly letting men convicted of possession of the grimest child r4pe images to walk free.

It's very hard to ignore the anecdotal evidence on this. I can't think of a single case where a child experiencing newsworthy abuse was in the care of both biological parents. I think maybe there was one recently in America where `Christian fundamentalists abused a whole family but that seems to have been the exception.

When I first read this post my thoughts immediately sprang to my own childhood and I felt defensive. - My mum left my biological father when I was a newborn back in 1960 and moved in with the man that became my stepdad until he eventually adopted me. I loved him and always felt lucky to have had him in my life.
However I've gradually come to realise that although he was a constant, loving force he also failed to protect me from my mum's (relatively) low level emotional and physical abuse over the years. It was as if her being the bio parent gave her superior rights over me and he didn't feel capable of stepping in to protect me when she went over the top.

It's really hard to acknowledge this even at my age and in an anonymous forum but the reality is that my mum was an abuser and my much loved adoptive father let it happen. I loved him but I have to accept he failed me.

So my experience was slightly different to the majority in that it wasn't a male stepparent abusing me but a male stepparent not stopping biological maternal abuse.

I do also think that the parent that walks out in the children, provides no maintenance or child care should also be held responsible as they have out the resident parent in a very vulnerable situation.
I'm a single parent but my 15 year olds dad pays maintenance and my family are local and I have a well paid job but I have often thought of how difficult things would be without that. Also the emotional impact of being dumped and being left alone with children. It's a massive gift to have children but also hard when they are ill and there is no one to go and pick medication up so the sick child has to come out as well etc etc etc. I can see why these parents then end up in vulnerable situations with the first person that comes along and wants to "help" with the children and "love" all of them.
Obviously different if the biological parent knows about the abuse. In my opinion if the parent leaves and has no further contact with their children and then they end up getting abused that biological parent is as responsible as the biological parent that has let the abuser into the house. Obviously the actual abuser is main person to blame.
I've chosen to live without a partner whilst my teenagers live at home although I do have a boyfriend I see outside the house a couple times a week. Someone with young children and no babysitter couldn't do that. So I think it's huge for a parent to walk out condemning the other parent to a life on their own for at least 18 years if they want their children to be safe. Some people manage amazingly but for those who are vulnerable anyway and have no support it's a difficult situation to be left in.

It’s not something they miss or haven’t been pointed out, but this can’t be policed. In the tragic case in the press this week yes there was a step parent, but the main instigator was the bio father. I would never have a relationship with someone (ie move in) whilst my two youngest are under 18. I’ve been single 14yrs now, and youngest is coming up 17. Not just because of abuse, but because I don’t want the hassle that it brings.

It's not just step dads. It's also the mothers who stand by and watch it happen. The mother of the little girl in the news at the moment pushed her dead body around in a pushchair for 3 days. The video footage shows her and the 'step dad' (very short term relationship ) messing about and laughing whilst doing so. She was a nursery nurse and within less than 2 months of introducing this 'man' her daughter was beaten to death.

Indeed. @Worldinyourhands I think you forgot the other common denominator - the sex of the step-parent. Overwhelmingly men.

I don't think you've discovered anything new, sadly, but it also poses challenges for social services etc.

There are 50 million children attending school in the United States. That's 8 billion school attendance days that happen each year. (50m children attending a 32-week school year.) In the 22 years 2000-2022, 197 children were killed by firearms at school. So out of the 8 billion school attendance days that happen per year, an average of 9 days of those days end with a child killed by a firearm.

Nine days out of 8 billion attendance days. The risk that a child will be shot dead at school is infinitesimally small. In fact, each child has a risk of 0.000018 percent per year. (9 out of 50m is 0.000018 percent.)

I don't think that a risk of 0.000018 percent qualifies as school being an "extremely dangerous, traumatising place for kids."

There are 335 million people in the US. 40k deaths per year by firearm is obviously terrible, as are the school deaths, but it's an extremely small portion of the population. 610,000 people die of cancer per year in the US. Being human and getting older is way, WAY more dangerous than firearms.

I'm not saying that firearm deaths don't matter or are inconsequential, far from it. 9 kids killed at school each year and 40k gun deaths overall a year are 49k deaths too many. But what I am saying is that it's important to keep risk in perspective. The fact remains that the vast majority of people in the US are not shot.

I mean.. Beinash Batool was stepmother. Emma Tustin was a stepmother. Victoria Climbies aunt was in a mum role.
It's almost always men but unfortunately there are plenty of high profile cases of women murdering children too.

As a social worker, we are absolutely aware that a new partner in the home is one of the biggest risks there could be

@Ebeneser and he had a tag… what a bloody catch… what on earth was this woman thinking?? How about don’t let a man WITH A TAG babysit your TWO year old after such a short amount of time…? Yes the man is despicable but she needs to take accountability for her part in what happened. Maybe he’d fed her some lies about his crimes being petty and that’s why he had it. Even so, he should never have got anywhere near the child.

I know, the two cases that come up for me are the two little kids from covid. The little boy who was klled by his stepmom, (with dad obv doing nothing to stop it) Why don't they chuck the woman when she starts with slaps and ciggarette butts?
And the the little girl who was killed by her mom's new female partner. Like how do you accept such treatment of your child for a bit of romance?

Couldn't agree more.

95% of public schools there have active shooter drills where kids huddle in silence from an imaginary gunman. With over 40k deaths by firearm per year there are more people killed by firearm there per day than the UK in a year (50).

Let's not pretend it's not an extremely dangerous, traumatising place for kids.

https://www.itv.com/news/2022-05-27/lock-kids-out-even-if-they-beg-the-usas-traumatic-school-shooter-drills

https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2019/05/23/teachers-active-shooter-trainings-ineffective-stressful-column/3754113002/

Women need to put their children first and be alert to the dangers.
Nearly all the mothers of these poor dead children were convicted of allowing a child's death or neglect.
Then there are the absent biological fathers who never check in on the child or safeguard their child but are happy to blame social workers for failing to do that.

Absolutely. I remember a divorcee that was interested in me. He had two sons.
I was somewhat preoccupied with ensuring he was providing for them psychologically, financially etc and just couldn't go past the stage of activism to ensure children of divorced parents are well catered for.

You have a similar rationale as me I think.

It’s a lose lose situation right? If he is a deadbeat or low effort dad that’s a no- no, as he would disgust me - but then if he was a really great father (as he should be) then a lot of the time I’d be accepting I wouldn’t be the priority.

Let me be clear, he is right not to prioritise me over his kids, but as someone who doesn’t have kids and would prioritise my life partner (until and unless we have kids together) I would feel hard done by.

So it’s better I just avoid them as it wouldn’t be right for me to resent my partner or be hurt by him for doing the right thing.

I think a lot of people aren’t honest with themselves and don’t realise deep down they don’t like that situation of being deprioritised either. So they enter the relationship with a parent and think of the kids as maybe a minor inconvenience and then soon start competing with the kids which is vile and wrong.

It’s awful that some men have begged me to abandon that rule so I can date them. Do they not care if they have a reluctant stepmother for their kids?

It’s more mature and kind to realise this isn’t for you and to walk away.

I had a stepmom about a year after my mum passed away. When I grew up, I just knew I couldn't marry or date a man with kids. I knew cos my experience I'll require a high standard of him with respect to his care, responsibility towards his children but I wondered if I would then feel short-changed. So I always warn friends to be ensure their mature enough to handle it and be extra kind to the children.

It’s because violent, immature men with poor impulse control and limited social skills often seek out vulnerable women to dominate, and if there are young children in the vicinity they inevitably become collateral damage in the relationship.

When a man marries a new wife, the new stepmother tends to push away, neglect and other her now stepchildren (children from the earlier relationship). It happened with Harry.
When a woman has a new partner he tends to push away his new step children but often time they're under the care of the mother, so she buys into it and sometimes it gets out of hand especially if he's a boy.

It's not a cliché, step parents often horrid.

It's not, it's OTT.

Step parents do carry a higher risk, but overall the risk is still very small. Most step parents aren't remotely abusive, and many do a good job.

Same. I don’t date men with kids period, and I think people who do so and then are horrible to kids are vile.

Yeah I was looking for this comment before I posted the same thing.

It’s very well known and well researched , although there has been some challenges /debates over it in more recent years.

I said spend time with good people, not marry good people. Marriage comes with huge risks. But I've got this friend, who I've known for about seven years, and over time she's really shown what a decent person she is. I trust her more and more as time goes by and as she shows her decency. I'm saying it's best to try to focus on the good people we know, as an antidote to all these dreadful stories in the media.

I said this yesterday....