TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

Which is exactly why I will not have another relationship until my children are over 18.

To be honest I’m not that bothered about ever having another relationship. Decent men are few and far between and I’m happier single than I ever was in a relationship.

Social work is hugely understaffed and the pressures of trying to manage the risks leads to burnout. Unfortunately, before burnout comes poor practice - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes not. There is too much pressure put on newly qualified and inexperienced social workers. My local authority has resorted to recruiting social workers from South Africa. The difference in standard of practice is shocking. They don’t train here so don’t know our laws and there is a massive difference in cultures and the role of social workers in each country. It’s a disaster waiting to happen

i agree Whiteskies

i have always been a single mum and was single from early on in pregnancy

I choose not to have a serious relationship as my ds comes first not my romantic life but so many people around me wanted me to find a good man

i am older but also wiser and see how often this is damaging towards children

we need to move away from the idea that women need a partner by their side to become whole we don’t and yes children should come before your own relationships you have time to have these in life but a damaged childhood can not be undone

@Namechangefordaughterevasion I can't think of a single case where a child experiencing newsworthy abuse was in the care of both biological parents.

Fred & Rose West, but they're almost the exception that proves the rule. And of course Rose was also a stepmother, she murdered her stepdaughter Charmaine.

Wouldn't it be good if known abusive men weren't allowed to get a slap on the wrist as punishment or no punishment at all and go straight back into abusing more people. Why would they bother acting like decent people when they can already do what they like without any consequences?

Is it really though? Going by the number of cocklodgers we see on MN posts that are moved into the child's homr within a year or so of the breakup with the other parent that are actually financially supported by the mother I m not so sure. Are most of these abusers and murders out working a fulltime job and paying the bills?

Here was a thread on here started by a young single mum ( early twenties). She had a one year old. She had just moved in with her new boyfriend ( not the child's dad) and was upset that the boyfriend didn't pull his weight with childcare and didn't act like her kid's dad ( he wasn't) . He was also very young.
The situation had potential disaster written all over it and yet plenty of posters claimed that no one should expect a single mother to live 'like a nun'. The poster claimed that most of her friends were single mothers and they were all dating.
It just seemed dangerous to me. I think a lot of posters on MN expect a new man to take on financial and emotional responsibility for his partner's existing children. They do not expect it from a step mother.
We are biologically programmed to love and want to nurture our own children. It is why kindred fostering/adoption is preferred if possible.
There needs to be more awareness that a new man living intimately with young unrelated children is not a good idea.

It’s nowhere near that and also the Cinderella effect has been debunked a long time ago - it’s very old research.

The Cinderella effect is not research itself it is a theory that has since been supported by many research studies. More recent research has found that it is more nuanced than that but most research at least partially supports the theory. In particular research finds that men in new relationships are more likely to kill children of their partners. So potentially unfair to call them "stepfathers"

www.bbc.com/news/education-45731941.amp

@MrsGreenTop

My ex uses loopholes in the CMS laws to pay no maintenance for our children and the government does nothing about it. If he won’t pay to support the lives he created, then he should be in prison. People go to prison for not paying other debts but there’s a lot of men out there getting away with leaving all the parental responsibility to the mother.

Very well said!
And I agree things need to be tougher.
However I can just see the government saying we can't do that, our prisons are full!
CMS to me is slow, and not so effective.

Another thing that jumped out at me is the removal of the child from school. "Home schooling" of children who are known to Social Services should not be allowed - in fact, there should be tighter regs across the board. Regular home visits by Ofsted.

The majority of children victimised by paedophiles are female. The Majority of paedophiles are male.

Whenever posters suggest that someone financially struggling gets a lodger I always recoil at the possibility of an unrelated adult in the house.

@Ebeneser

I've just read that article. The mother had only known the boyfriend for 5 months before she left him babysit her child. I don't understand how a mother can leave a small child with a boyfriend they've only known for 5 months.

Same!
Didn't that happen with that ex footballer, he was the bf, the mother wasn't there not sure where she had gone, but he was 'looking after' the baby/child.

I agree. My other observation is that SS need to stop trying to keep abused or at risk children with their family. There should be no second chances.

@Worldinyourhands

'That's true. Social workers are woefully under-resourced. (I also from experience with a family member don't think they're always the best trained or most competent - probably goes back to the lack of resources and desperation for staff.)'

Again I agree, and their understanding of how DV works/the persons mind, motives,actions etc. They don't get it. a
And minimise and put you in a worse off position.

Please can we stop talking about victims of sexual abuse as being more likely to be abusers? It’s deeply insulting and isn’t actually true.

If it was the case, then most abusers would be female. But look at the tiny number of female sex abusers ( almost every female sex offender turns out to have changed gender)

yes,many abusers are unhappy people, and may have experienced adverse experiences as children, but that’s true of the wider population.

Abuse is depressingly common and so statistically some paedophiles will have suffered abuse at some point.

Also many lie about it to gain sympathy or somehow explain their actions

Being something out of folklore shouldn’t make it underestimated. Quite the opposite. If it’s been around forever, then maybe there’s a reason for it.

Indeed if you were so inclined, you might point out that this is yet another example of:

• our predecessors are well aware of problem A
• our predecessors develop a whole system B in order to suppress A
• we junk B in the name of progressive value C
• we get bewildered and unhappy when A reappears
• brows furrowed, we imagine fantasy bureaucracies which will stop A while we frolic with C
• let’s not forget to work hard at reassuring ourselves that there’s no link between C and A
• job done, we get to relax and forget about A for a bit
• we do not, under any circumstances, contemplate that our predecessors might have been onto something

In my experience working with these women it's usually because they themselves have been bought up in chaotic, violent and dysfunctional households. It's almost normal for them.

They are also usually unemployed with limited education and not much prospects for the future. Low intelligence and additional needs. And the abusers have similar backgrounds too. Quite often drug use in the mix.

Worth reading the book Stepmonster

It’s so often the case

the child is in the way, they get jealous they don’t have paternal feelings toward the child/children

and social services too often have their hands tied and can’t just take a child away they need to have more powers and less focus on working with a parent to become a better parent many are selfish at just don’t care enough but we don’t want to accept this

@Worldinyourhands yup that's where the problem lies woefully undertrained and in a lot of cases just incompetent wet blankets, high case load or not. For me they always tend to be a 'type' and it's the complete opposite of what is needed in the role. I TOTALLY agree it's a Cinderella service but even with more funding I don't think it would help - it wouldn't be spent wisely.

I think this applies in some cases, even where there hasn't been abuse.
Mum gets a bf, sees him when she can and because of having a child/work/etc it's hard to get time away.
So bf goes to the home, great if years down the line it works out, but still an initial risk.

Yes but you can’t take the families involved in the care system as evidence of what would happen if you yourself remarried. Yes these families are highly chaotic and will involve a carousel of new partners, many of whom will have criminal convictions. Guessing not many of the step parents you saw were teachers, doctors, lawyers etc.

Couldn't agree more. Or date have a bf but don't bring him home, or around the kids.
Yes I've had mixed views on not settling not bringing guy home etc.

I've worked around social services and what I've seen means I would never remarry if I got divorced from my husband. Pretty much all the cases where the child was being directly physically, sexually or emotionally abused, a stepparent is involved. The cases where they're witnessing DV but not "directly" harmed themselves or their needs were being neglected were more evenly split between bio and step parents. But the most awful cases nearly always involve "blended families".

In the cases where it is "just" strained relationships between parent and older child and the kid going off the rails, there's almost always a step-parent involved or a series of casual partners moving in and out. And usually younger half siblings who are treated much better than the older ones (for as long as dad sticks around, at least).