TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

It Is on point because it looks at the whole data set of people who kill their children (before digging into the subset of those with mental illness). It's a hell of a lot more on point than 'oh it's always the stepfather'

This is true.

We cannot focus on the last thing that happened that led to a tragedy, it is all the chain of unfortunate events from years past that caused the issue.

You don’t get your children in danger for finding a new partner, you do as a result of a life time of abuse or behaviours that erode your boundaries and inform your decisions.

I have also noticed that too, and I am sure the younger the child is, the greater their vulnerability, some are less verbal than others so lack of witnesses.

The child is an inconvenience to the killer who wants undivided attention from the mother whose priorities should always be for the safety and wellbeing of their child but become manipulated and warped. The killer gains the mothers trust and isolates the child, then worse happens behind closed doors.

Legislation is needed to enable authorities to be able to intervene in the early stages of a relationship breakup where children are involved which is not what most people want as they could argue that it becoming a nanny state but the message is not getting through to the parents that small children could be at risk of new partners, hence the tragedies in the media.

My examples are including babies but I am well aware that kids up to the age of 10 and 11 could also be at risk, after the recent tragedy in the media.

All mothers of children need to keep their wits about them and be cautious about introducing new partners to their young babies.

With social services and children's services on the brink due to lack of staff and lack of funding, authorities can only intervene when its too late, unless awareness is spread and prevention is always better than cure.

I've been single since my DC were 2 1/2 & 8 months old because I am petrified of somthing happening to them

It's just not worth the risk is it. My thoughts have never been murder, more along the lines of SA.

I was in an abusive relationship with their dad for 7 years and I'm already well aware that I can ( maybe could? ) be easily manipulated and gaslit.

Somtimes it makes me sad that I'll be single until their adults as i would of liked 1 more DC. But I just cant risk anything happening to them

@everychildmatters , I’m in a similar situation . My ex had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old, so we obviously split . My ex stopped seeing her altogether when she was 5 . I met my new partner when she was 4 and she considers him her Dad . The difficult behaviour came from my exes new partner before he stopped seeing dd.

When you say "generally better for the children", what exactly do you mean by that?

The poster just above you talks about some aspects why it isn't really better for the children - missing the experience of observing a functioning relationship with love and teamwork between adults and the child growing a feeling of responsibility for their lonely parent being two of them.

There are many cases when the step parenting works fine.

It might not even be statistically safer in the end, because social expectation of forever solo parenting would discourage women in abusive/troublesome relationships from leaving.

We need a society where women believe that ending an abusive/unsafe relationship is a viable choice, not one punishing them for doing so. That alone would help in majority of those sad cases.

That's correct by it's never acknowledged in risk assessments

@sprigatito With respect, may I ask if you have yourself ever been a single parent?
My case is unusual (thankfully), but I married very young and by my 30th birthday could no longer bear the abuse of being married to an incredibly controlling narc. I left him when I was early 30s.
He told me I would "lose my sons" as punishment and he was pretty successful in fooling the "professionals"; he was awarded 50/50 when the children were just 3 and 6 (later further alienated them to have majority custody). I became suicidal on various occasions (planned and with intent).
I was a single parent for about 4 years, not introducing my sons to anyone whatsoever. Primary teacher, entirely financially independent and privately renting (ex also a financial controller).
But life was incredibly lonely as I was on my own the majority. I cautiously started to date. Met my now husband. He had no children - when I turned 39 we made the decision to try for a baby and we now have our 4 yo daughter. He is an inspirational stepdad. My sons adore their sister. I am finally the mum I was never permitted to be to my first two children.
I'm 44 now and for the first time in my entire life I am content and loved. I was never going to let an abuser ruin my life any more than he had done already.

I think they should keep dating outside the home until the youngest child is 18. Safer and generally better for the children. Lots of abusive men are wonderful, charming and respectful, btw. Until they aren't.

Well research suggests that’s not good for the children either. Basically nobody can win and it’s best to follow your own instincts and do what you think is best.
And you are entirely right that it is good to have a good role model of relationships for children. Seeing one person on their own year in year out and knowing that it’s a sacrifice they are making for you is probably not a great thing either. Lots of kids then feel responsible for the parent and yes, they haven’t seen a functioning relationship in their immediate family.

I haven't followed all cases lately, but isn't there another pattern? Something like being from poor and struggling families, maybe having mothers with some history of being abuse victims?

Yes, it is dutiful when someone makes a choice to stay a solo parent, but I'd guess that being able to make such a decision (having good enough job options/housing options/health/family support/other kind of capital) could decrease statistical risks of bringing in a new partner to the extent that this sacrifice isn't really necessary.

People who are confident that they have the choice typically have a better options to choose from and are able to change the decision if it doesn't work well.

@sprigatito So do you believe that all single mothers should remain single for the rest of their lives?

@everychildmatters nobody is providing a personalised critique of you and the people in your life. We don't know them. The cold fact is that statistically your husband poses a greater risk to your children's safety than his girlfriend does. Men are far,far more likely to kill their stepchildren than women are. Like all violent crimes, men are the majority of perpetrators.

@Wakeywakie Absolutely this. I once dated a man who told me initially he had three kids whom he saw EOW. I was fine with that, having got two of my own.
Later found out he actually had 5; two he never saw.
Got rid of him after that. Disgusting.

Meeting a decent man and marrying him was the best thing I could have done for my kids.
At least now, for some of the time, they have seen what a healthy relationship looks like.
They have learned that women are not just there to "serve" men, for example. That is is "normal" for a hisband to show affection to his wife. That is good for both parties to work equally as a team. That respect and love matter.

I think men should take more care when introducing new partners tbh if that’s what you’re hinting at?

I’m aghast at the amount of men who parade their kids on dating apps in an effort to look like good fathers and the ones who invite women in their kids life irrespective of the impact it will have.

Many women are emotionally abusive to or sideline their partners children. I’ve had men basically brag that if I don’t want their kids around or to live with them they can make sure that happens. They’re either lying to try and get with me since I said I don’t want to raise other men’s kids - or they are serious and are awful fathers. Well either way they are terrible dads.

It’s not a step parent though, is it? It’s the introduction of a new boyfriend

@sprigatito My ex-husband has majority custody. The first time they met his new girlfriend was when they walked in on her in his bed.
But I should remain single for the rest of my life, right?
I'm very happily remarried btw. My husband is also not an abusive narc like my first one was.

But it isn't the same. Women are statistically far less likely to kill their stepchild, and very few dads have majority custody. There's still risk, but it's dramatically less than the threat posed by an unrelated man living with the child.

I wonder if the ex-husbands feel the same when introducing new partners? I doubt it.

if I ever ended up single, I don’t think I could ever bring another man into our home. It would always be in the back of my mind, what if it’s the kids he wants access to? Even the nicest guy out there, you just don’t know do you. And I know that’s sad. I had the loveliest step dad as a kid (still do) he’s the best dad I could ever wish for.

To echo most others, I would remain single if I were not with DH, almost entirely for this reason alone.

But no one wants to talk about the fact that Isabella's mother was a nursery worker. I used work in the Jobcentre 16 years ago and the amount of thick, dodgy, nasty-seeming, troubled, uncompassionate, vulnerable and otherwise inadequate young women who had previously even working in nurseries terrified me and when I went on to have my own DC it was out of the question that any of them would go to nursery, and we made huge sacrifices to ensure they didn't have to. Obviously there are lots of wonderful people who work in nurseries, but plenty that I wouldn't trust with a cat let alone my child.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle the article you have linked is very interesting, but surely it's not directly about the same topic. It's about Mental Illness in Those Who Kill Their Children, rather than those who aren't the biological parent.

I think these mothers don’t get to know the partner before moving them in and expecting to play happy families. I suspect a lot of the time they are prepared to overlook the less savoury aspects of the partner’s character in order to have a boyfriend. Then the boyfriend is given priority over the child. That’s how I see it anyway

This