I am not sure my children should get too close to my mum

She is a bad person. She pretty much abandoned you as a small child and terrified you when you lived with her again from age 6. She was physically and emotionally abusive and she is now terrifying your children. Please keep them away from her.

You do not 'owe' your mother anything. Certainly not your education, which is one of the absolute basics all children should have.

Your mother has abused you all your life. Protect your children, and please keep them as far away from her as possible.

I can see you are still clinging to the hope of your mum not being a bad person. Yet she physically and mentally abused you and your sister. She dislocated your arm! You developed anorexia and your sister a depression due to how badly she treated you. Your mother is a bad person. No good person would ever do what she did. You owe her nothing. I think you need therapy to realise that you are entitled to be angry, dislike and even hate your mother for what she did to you. She robbed you of your childhood and now she's treating your children the same way. I don't usually say this but why would you ever want to see her again and how can you expose your children to her toxic behaviour? I think you are still in her fold because you refuse to see her as a bad person. Definitely get some therapy to help you see the reality for what it is so that you can protect yourself and your children. 💚

She sounds like a shit bag, which is my way of saying she's a bad person. I'd vote with feet and tell her why if she asks.

It might be healthier if your kids see you standing up to grandma and watch you set boundaries. They also might appreciate seeing you stick up for them

Your mum is an abusive, terrible mother. I think it may help you if you can learn to accept that the way she treated you and your sister was not ok and has done you lasting damage, both physical and emotional.

In the circumstances, it would be understandable if you cut her off but as others have said she won't have the same impact on your children.

My own mum was / is emotionally abusive at times, constantly criticising me, getting angry with me if I wasn't cheerful and I've gone out of my way to parent my own children very differently. One of them is an adult now and she's fully aware of what my mum can be like and she knows it's not the right way to be etc.

As you only see her twice a year there isn't any risk of her getting too close to your children, don't worry.

Nailed it.
Problem solved- unless you get off in the drama ?

Why do people/ daughters put themselves through thus, under guise of ' well you only have one mum' rubbish???
She was awful to you.
Still is.
Stay well clear of her.

She abused you. You can make excuses for her but I wouldn't let my child near her. There's a payoff she's got to accept for doing what she did.

Neither you nor your children deserve to be subjected to this. You don't have a relationship with your mum and neither do your DC outside of these visits that terify your children and make their mother anxious and miserable after for the sake of... what? Obligation to protect the feelings of someone who abused you as a child and has shown zero inclination in changing her behavior?

Part of our job as parents is to teach our children that relationships are two-way streets, to care for themselves and set standards for what sort of treatment to accept from people in our lives. That includes family, who don't get some sort of free pass to treat us however they please. Don't teach them that when someone intentionally frightens and intimidates them and shows no regard for their happiness or wellbeing they should just keep showing up for more of the same. Right now what they're experiencing is that mum keeps taking them back to this person she knows is terrifying to them (and I'm guessing terrifying to mum). I understand how impossible it must feel to stand up to your mother, but it's time.

If you want to keep trying visits then please consider having them in a neutral place where you don't have to bow to her rules as guests and can leave if she can't be kind and polite. Tell her without room for debate what you won't have your children subjected to. Your mum is fully capable of changing her behavior if the visits are important to her.

If you feel very unhappy after the visit I would avoid them. This is as important as how your children feel.

Well, there's a truly heartwarming story.

But OP's kids are saying they're terrified of granny.

Protect your children at all costs from anyone who would do them harm. It’s that simple.

OP says her children are terrified of her mother. How is fear of their grandmother a good thing?

OP I had a grandmother who was abusive to my mum. It affected by mum a lot but it didn't affect me whatsoever. In fact I could never understand why my mum was so upset by the daft things she said.

Your parents see your children twice a year - it won't affect them whatsoever. It's not their mum or close relative. It's you these visits will affect

@Roberta2020 My mum is not a bad person. I can see that she did what she did because she wanted us to become something, to have lots of skills, and to be able to face the world. However, both me and my sister got hurt badly.

Your mother's method of physical and psychological abuse was obviously harmful and abusive.

It wasn't done to achieve something positive in your life. Would you think this a good way to encourage your own children? Obviously not.

You need to confront the fact that your mother is essentially a harmful and toxic person and you should stay away from her and don't let her harm your children.

People are saying low level contact won't do any harm but actually yes it might....horrible comments or abusive/frightening/intimidating behaviours even if occasional can stay with someone for life, and watching their mum's what are likely fearful and passive lifelong-learnt behaviours around her mother isn't healthy either.
Whatever you decide though OP, please please NEVER leave them alone with her.

She sounds incredibly awful, I wouldn't want her anywhere near the children

I put YABU because you love your children and are aware of what they need. You see their point of view and they will not - imv- be harmed by seeing your mother because they have your love and care

My mum is not a bad person

Actually she really is. I would not allow any contact

OP's mother sounds extremely toxic and dangerous. It's not just 'bonkers' to dislocate a child's arm by violently pulling it. I say no contact.

@Roberta2020 However, I am not sure my children should get too close to her. I am worried they might get hurt.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being spoilt/oversensitive?

You are correct to worry she might hurt your children. She hurt you and your sister. She physically abused you, dislocated your arm, and went on to psychologically abuse you.

You are not being unreasonable, spoilt or oversensitive. These are the accusations that abusive parents make when their children complain.

That sounds really hard and as pp said you don't owe her anything. Possibly you should get some therapy to work through what you want your relationship with her to be

However if you decide you want to see her a couple of times a year your kids will be fine. Just acknowledge their feelings and make it clear you all need to be polite to your mum in her own home but that doesn't make her right. Stay somewhere else and roll your eyes together about 'how bonkers is Grandma'. - it's wonderfully validating to have your family on your side. Cos you are clearly great and she's the one with issues.