Just the title really.
Before having witnessed two of my closest friends and a family member go through DV I thought there was a lot of help for victims of DV to leave. But actually it's really pitful!
I believed, as do many others that you could just ring women's aid and they'd assist you. You'd either have help to leave right away into a refuge or have someone allocated to help you make plans to leave. But the truth seems to be
- You ring women's aid and it's engaged constantly. Literally for days at a time sometimes. The chatlines can also take days to respond. Likely due to being massively under resourced.
- Many DV organisations won't work with victims if they are still in the relationship. My local council will only help once you've actually left the relationship. Surely you need the organisation to actually be helped to make the plans to leave?
- You don't get legal aid unless your on certain benefits and very low income. My best friend has had to take out a credit card after leaving with NOTHING and sleeping in her car as she has a job. She can't claim benefits as her income is too high. She can't get a council property or assistance with accomodation because her name is on the mortgage of the house she fled from. Her wages were paid into her abusive ex's account. So she slept in her car until payday. She has terrible credit due to her abusive ex running up debts in her name. So had to take out payday loans to get a private rent and now a credit card for legal fees.
- If you do flee DV with just the clothes on your back then there's a high chance you'll be put in a dodgy B+B and not a refuge as women's refuges are oversubscribed, you may even be put of area.
- When you do leave, if you go to the police, without hard evidence of your abuser attacking you like a video, it's basically just your word against there's. Then with no prosecution, you can't use it in court to protect your kids from them. Many victims are closely controlled and monitored. My friend said there was no way on earth she could have recorded him being abusive. He had full access to all devices and money. He read through every text, went through her phone regularly and she had 0 access to funds without his permission. She couldn't spy a secret camera as he'd see the transaction. She couldn't take out cash to buy a spy camera in person if she even found a shop that sold one, as he would question why she withdrew money and want a receipt. How can you collate evidence when every inch of your life is being monitored?
- On the note of children. No matter how horrendous and abusive your ex is, even if you do have video footage of them abusing you and s conviction, the abuser will always have access to the kids. Unless there is concrete evidence of them directly abusing the kids and proving they are a risk to them, they will have access. Even if you can prove a risk, they'll just say supervised access. The supervising person may even be an enabling family member of the abuser like the abusers own parent who the victim doesn't trust.
There is so much more. But I am horrified at the injustice to women and children in this country. One of my friends told me her life is harder now than it was living with her abuser. She has been alienated from family and friends of decades who've taken the side of the abuser or don't 'want to take sides'. She's lost her home she spent blood, sweat and tears on. She's financially ruined with horrific credit and no chance in owning once this is all over. Worst of all, her kids who were her reason for leaving (to keep them safe and from witnessing the violence), have to be sent to the abusive man unsupervised without her there to protect them. If the kids themselves say anything or speak out, she's accused of parental alienation.
I'm a social worker (in a different field) and am horrified by my recent experiences with friends and family. It's nothing like what our training says there is available to support.
I am at a loss as to what women are suppose to do!
Am I being unreasonable to think it's all lip service and actually women and children are unprotected?