Criticism about being healthy and diaciplined

I think you aren't fully at peace with your decision. If you were you would be able to ignore/avoid the comments, by not being too vocal about it and just getting on with your approach, and certainly wouldn't let others comments to lead you to put on a stone!
I think you need to establish your baseline - do you like junk sometimes, or have you actually gone off it and find it bland? What is it driving you in your eating choices? A love for nutritious foods, or a desire to restrict calories or food types to maintain your weight? Do you struggle with social occasions where food and drink is 'unhealthy', or do you select the most appetizing bits and get on with and enjoy yourself? If your approach to food is making life difficult, then you probably aren't at peace. You need to work out what drives you and find a way to live as makes you happy, and drown out any criticisers. Mostly they are probably either jealous/ can't relate to someone who doesn't confirm to their approach to food

Triggered as in I start self-abandoning and feeling really attacked. I ended up gaining 15 pounds once when someone criticised my lifestyle choices and then it took me ages to get back on track.

Being criticised implies a single or couple of remarks which most people would brush off or be slightly irritated by. Putting on 15 pounds because someone once criticised you seems a huge over-reaction and would take some sustained and deliberate overeating.

It does sound like you need to develop some self esteem and resilience, and stop having such toxic boyfriends.

That has to be one of the most misleading partial quotes of a post that I've seen in a long time.

That poster followed that statement by saying it was the constant commentary of the calories being consumed that was difficult.

They never mentioned wanting the friend to eat/drink the same things.

It can be coming from a place of concern, particularly from people who are caught up in diet culture.

I’m a size 8 and struggle to keep weight on, which isn’t really a problem you can bond over. And when people see me exercising, or eating greens, or skipping dessert they assume it’s about trying to be thinner.

Actually I’d love to be bigger than I am, because I have no bulwark against illness. There is arthritis and diabetes in my immediate family. I just want to be fit and strong as long as I’m here because I’ve seen how bad it gets when you’re not.

But if you’ve spent a lifetime being shamed for having a normal body, and absorbing messages that women only have value if we starve ourselves, it’s understandable that to want to a) rebel and b) save others. I think that’s where most of the comments are rooted, even if some are filtered through self loathing, jealousy and internalised misogyny.

And that’s before you count how the odds are stacked against people by the food industry. The thing is that once you cut out sugar, your palate becomes so much more sensitive and real food tastes incredible. My tolerance for UPFs has dropped - junk doesn’t feel like a treat the way a lovely steak does, or a home grown tomato. I’m not banging on about this to anyone because no one gets it. It’s taken me about 5 serious attempts to get rid of processed sugar and I don’t want to slide back, so I just won’t eat the stuff. Having something to be polite was my undoing before l. I’m sure that seems extreme to most people but you wouldn’t offer an ex smoker a cigarette. The impact is similar for me.

You don’t have to be banging on about anything to draw criticism. If I’m wearing gym clothes, people ask questions. If I turn down dessert people make assumptions.

Maybe if we launched into a lecture about healthy lifestyles and openly criticised others they’d think twice?

If it is BFs then is it your ‘lifestyle choices’ or your rigidity over them? For example do you refuse to drink or go for the occasional curry with them? If so, then the criticism is about inflexibility and willingness to occasionally accommodate your partner’s preferences (or acquiesce to an unhealthy meal cooked by BF’s family without going to the gym for 2hrs first… yes I was like this in my 20s).

If so, then although you don’t have an ED, you may still have an overly rigid approach to food/weight maintenance which in itself is not always healthy. Is it about self control, would you feel bad about yourself if you let it go for an evening or weekend? Do you relax on holiday or only choose hotels with gyms that you use every single day so as not to disrupt your routine? Are you dressing up a health obsession as positive, when in fact it hides a fear of food or of gaining even a pound?

Either way, the issue may be that you need to find BFs who have the same values - who would rather stay home and prepare a healthy meal after going to the gym with you, who’d prefer Club la Santa/cycling holidays. So in part how you meet/choose your BF may also need examining.

I myself like to live healthily. I must admit though I get a bit irritated when people obsessive about it and can never indulge even a tiny bit. I have a friend who seems to only think about diet and exercise. She will never eat even one chocolate, a piece of cake or a dessert on special occasions. I sometimes inwardly roll my eyes and think "Oh for goodness sake, live a little!". However, it's her choice and I'd never say anything. People shouldn't comment on what other people eat or how they live their lives.

It’s them not you OP. People let themselves go during lockdown and bad habits were formed. Now they’re having to deal with the consequences. Look around you, everyone is bigger, clothing ads now feature “real” women to make everyone feel better about themselves. People can’t help vocalising their own insecurities, which is unfair on you but that’s how it is.

If you’re lucky and/or disciplined enough to stay in shape, be happy with that. Just be mindful that you aren’t coming across as judgmental of others’ lifestyle choices, or obsessively focused on your weight/ nutrition intake.

@taxguru I never bully her into doing anything thanks! I’m happy to go with her restaurant choices and never comment on what she eats or drinks. That’s her choice. I do expect the same courtesy back though which I don’t get. She is the one forcing her choices on me. And I’m not cutting her out of my life either, she has a history of obsessive behaviour and I’m concerned about her.

I have always been someone who drinks very little and the snarky comments I have had over the years about this used to make me feel pressured to drink more than I wanted to, just to fit in - but once I once I realised it came from their discomfort with their own choices I found it easier to let the remarks roll off me

@Yikesthathurt I agree and I do worry about her. She has a very short list of permitted foods and eats the same thing every day. Very much into disordered eating territory but she won’t listen and I don’t want to push her away by bringing the subject up.

'Taking care of your body' can have a dark underbelly nowadays. For some, it has become a way of exercising control, where elsewhere they feel out of control, creating obsessive behaviour.

It is also a hugely individual, self-oriented activity. Instead of connecting with others, it is insular. Which is fine if this is just one of your hobbies, but not if this is the main content of your personal life.

There are also suggestions that some people living that way judge others for not having similarly sculpted, health-optimised bodies, with scary political effect. It has been referred to as the 'wellness-to-fascism pipeline'. Give it a google. Not necessarily that innocent as 'I just want to be healthy and look my best'.

@Iheartmysmart

I don’t eat particularly unhealthily but if I go out I like a glass of wine and the occasional pudding.

If you always fancied a fag after a meal, would you "bully" her into having a fag with you too, and would you be put out if you had one and she didn't?? That's EXACTLY the same as you wanting a pudding when your friend doesn't.

If you want a pudding, have one. She's free not to have one with you or have something else.

What happened to "live and let live" where we're supposed to let others do what they want to do and not force our preferences onto them.

At the end of the day, if you and your friend have very different values and opinions and lifestyles, then perhaps it's time to cut your friendship and find someone more attuned to your own.

Nail on the head there.

A few decades ago. it was the overweight people who stood out because there were relatively few of them and most people looked thin,

Now we have the opposite where looking thin are the ones who stand out whilst the majority are overweight and a proportion are clearly obese, so being overweight has become normalised.

When I look back at our High School class photos of the 80s, literally everyone is thin, except for one lad who was the class "fattie". When I look at my own son's school class photos of the last decade, over half are clearly overweight and less than an handful would be considered "thin".

• That's. It a reason to change but perhaps another lens to view their behaviour by.

(I'll also add that the judgement - even in this thread - is going both ways. People defending their good choices by insulted someone else's).*

Should be

That's not a reason to change but perhaps another lens to view their behaviour by.

(I'll also add that the judgement - even in this thread - is going both ways. People defending their food choices by insulted someone else's).

Food is an emotive subject but we also have thousands of years of cultural history of food being one of the main 'glues' that holds people together. Sourcing food together, prepping food together, eating food together.

Sometimes I think this is playing a role. Whilst we often don't share food together at work, I think people still have a residual like of eating similar types of food because it still provides a tiny bit community. I don't think they consciously know that, but I think it's there.

So when someone eats something very different to them, it causes an unease.

That's. It a reason to change but perhaps another lens to view their behaviour by.

(I'll also add that the judgement - even in this thread - is going both ways. People defending their good choices by insulted someone else's).

HNRTFT but I'm wondering whether there might be a part of you that would sometimes like to cut yourself a bit of slack with your eating/exercise? When we are triggered by other people it is often because their comments tap into the part of us that thinks they might be right, or that would like to not always be making super healthy choices. So maybe you could consider whether part of you feels deprived? If so, how can you 'treat' yourself without sabotaging your overall healthy lifestyle.

There is a point where it’s disordered eating.

I barely eat UPF’s but know 1 biscuit (that’s not homemade) won’t kill me. I may mainly swerve these things and don’t really enjoy processed food, but in the modern world you can’t always avoid it.

OP you need a health mucker/mate you can share your journey with! Detoxing your body leads to detoxing your life, to allow your tribe in. Sounds like you've made a great start.

My ex's family gave me a lot of similar grief and luckily I had my friend/will power to get past the constant negative comments. They were all unhealthy and now either dead or with serious health problems.

You're make them feel bad (because you are demonstrating that all their bullshit excuses for not eating well and failing to exercise are ... well, bullshit!), so they're attacking you to make themselves feel better.

It depends on how much you talk about diet and fitness in my opinion.

I have a friend I’ve known for years. We used to go out for dinner, days out shopping, short breaks together, meeting up for coffee etc. Then about five years ago she got very into diet and exercise and from that point on any time we spent together had to revolve around what she permitted herself to do.

We can’t meet on certain days because she has a gym class, no meals out without intense scrutiny of the menu in advance to make sure there is something she will eat. All conversations are around her training plans, physio appointments and diet.

I love her dearly but no longer enjoy spending time with her. I don’t eat particularly unhealthily but if I go out I like a glass of wine and the occasional pudding. It’s no fun going out with someone who gives you a constant run down on how many calories you’re consuming and whose only conversation is their personal best for various events.

If you keep your diet and lifestyle to yourself and only mention it occasionally or in passing then I really can’t see how anyone could have issue with it.

Spot on with 1st paragraph!!

literally 1st paragraph with bells on!! 💪🙌

Yes I have dealt with it OP - and it’s awful. Like people can’t be pleased for you!

I’d ignore honestly and keep doing exactly what you want to do !

I think it depends how much you define yourself to others by your lifestyle choices. It can be very tedious for others if you pick over every bit of food or mention your exercise regime regularly.

How are your choices being presented to people, how are they aware of them enough to make comments?

I wouldn’t have a clue what my son’s gf eats or how much she exercises so unless it was brought to my attention I have nothing to comment on.

Some of the problem, I think, with the unwanted advice is that we’ve become used to the ‘average’ person as a much bigger size than is healthy.

It’s not healthy for the majority of us to be so much heavier (and I include myself) than we need to be / medically should be, but healthier bodies look skinny because the rest of us keep the extra pounds on.