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Original poster

My crazy SIL

114 replies

Username98337 · 13/12/2024 21:34

This is massive sorry but I need to let it out somewhere. I’ve had issues with my SIL (BILs girlfriend) since the day I met her. For ease, we’ll call her Daisy and we’ll call BIL Harry. For context, she and my BIL are my age, my husband is three years older.

I started dating my now husband in early 2016. Near the end of 2016, around October/November time, Harry introduced us all to Daisy. Daisy asked how long I’d been with my now husband for at this point, and I said 10 months. She told me she’d been with Harry for two years. The family all thought this was unusual because none of them had ever met, seen, or heard of her before. She told my MIL and husband that she met Harry at a party, she told me she met him through tinder, and according to Harry, they met at university and had to go long distance for a while. To be honest I didn’t really care enough, so never thought twice about it until now.

When we got to 2019, my now husband proposed. Daisy was furious when we announced the news, and openly said she should have been engaged first because she’s been in a relationship longer. In 2019, my now husband and I also bought our first house. We had a housewarming party which Harry attended alone. Daisy and Harry started renting a house a few months after we bought our house. For a few years (2019 to 2022), she told everyone they had bought the house, and none of us questioned this. However, in 2022, she and Harry had to move in with my MIL as their landlord no longer wanted to lease the property, and this is when we all discovered she wasn’t truthful about owning the property. She does own a house with Harry now (or so she says). Harry never shares any details, Daisy does all the talking.

Also at the start of 2022, my husband and I got married. Daisy argued with Harry very publicly in our reception, telling him that she should have been the one getting married first, not me (they still weren’t engaged at this point, and still aren’t engaged now).

After our wedding, Daisy started asking me at every opportunity when I was planning on trying for a baby. Literally everyday she would ask me, and I always responded with ‘not just yet’. Eventually the constant questioning got to me, and I admitted to her that we’d been trying for a baby ever since we bought our house in 2019, and we were on a waiting list for fertility treatments via the NHS. She said she was sorry to hear this. A couple months later she texted me to say she was 4 weeks pregnant and it was a complete accident and she’s so surprised at how easily she got pregnant. I texted back ‘congratulations, I’m so happy for you’. I genuinely was, but didn’t agree with her letting me know it was an accident. I didn’t share this with her as I won’t let my rain dampen someone else’s parade, plus I pick and choose my battles and didn’t have the energy to fight it.
Around when Daisy was 8 weeks pregnant, she very sadly had a miscarriage and I was genuinely heartbroken for her. I sent her flowers and food packages, and wished her my love.
At the end of 2022, I found out by some complete miracle that I was pregnant. The chances of this happening for us naturally were next to none, so I was very weary of getting too excited. My husband texted Harry and Daisy the news when we got to 12 weeks (we texted as we didn’t want to tell them in public knowing they’d had a loss). Harry called to congratulate us and sounded genuinely pleased for us. My husband apologised for telling him over text but Harry said he understood and appreciated it. We never heard back from Daisy.

When I was around 6 months pregnant, my husband and I met up with my MIL, Harry and Daisy for lunch for MILs birthday. Daisy refused to look at me and blanked me when I said hello to her. After the lunch, my MIL asked my husband and I if we’d like to go baby clothes shopping with her (MIL was very excited about having a grandchild). We agreed and Harry also came along as he said he wanted to treat his future niece or nephew. Daisy meanwhile ran off to sit in Harry’s car for the duration of our shopping. I texted Daisy when we got home to ask if she was ok and she said that she didn’t appreciate me inviting everyone baby clothes shopping as it was really insensitive to her (baring in mind my MIL organised this, not me, and Harry was happy to come along). She also said that I was rubbing my pregnancy in her face by wearing a tight fitting dress, and that I should have worn something loose to hide my bump from her (I was wearing a flowy maternity dress). I apologised and we didn’t discuss it since.

When my baby was born, Daisy refused to meet her, and to this day she doesn’t even look at her or acknowledge she’s in the room. I get that she’s suffered a loss but I think this is unhealthy. My husband spoke with Harry about it, and Harry said that they’re not currently trying as neither of them want a baby yet, and have plans to travel before settling down. Last month however, Daisy told my MIL that I’ve mocked her for having a miscarriage (I never would and I’m still offended by this), and said that I’ve done nothing but bully her since the day we met. My MIL disregarded this immediately. She then showed my MIL a diary she’d kept since 2016, wherein she’s written down all the times I’ve “bullied” her (all complete lies - things like I’ve hit her, called her house ugly, etc). My MIL has never been overly keen on her as she tells small lies a lot (e.g., her salary changes constantly, there’s different versions of how she and Harry met, she said she was originally from Bradford then moved to Scotland as a child when she’s actually from Lancaster, she said her dad is a multi millionaire with a successful company but can’t say the company as it’s top secret, etc). I now think she’s trying to turn my MIL against me, which is sad as I have a lovely relationship with her (so far it’s not working, and is only making MIL dislike Daisy more).

I basically feel like Daisy doesn’t like me, and has wanted to be “first” at everything, and can’t cope that I was. I don’t care about being first, but I feel like she does. She’s still not engaged and I dread to think how she’ll act if it doesn’t happen soon. I’m really furious about this notebook though, I think it’s really weird behaviour, and I’m now starting to think that there’s something wrong with Daisy mentally. Everyone is just laughing it off but my blood is boiling over it. Should I confront Daisy? Or should I ignore her and totally cut her off? I don’t want to be anywhere near this woman anymore, I think she’s plain weird!

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/12/2024 12:47

She is not worth all this drama and headspace, cut her off and stay away from her, and if MIL is stupid enough to fall for her obvious bullshit and lies then adios MIL.

Life is too short to spend it trying to appease idiots and stop giving her any information about you. You have your hands full with your baby, that's your priority not SIL.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/12/2024 12:22

Also be aware people like this are the type of person to make false allegations to social services. Which is one of the reasons I think that having something on record with a solicitor that you've already formally requested she stops lying about you / you've gone to the police, would be good evidence to show that it's malicious and not 'out of concern'

BogusHocusPocus · 14/12/2024 12:21

Don't give her any more thought. She's obviously debilitated by a great many issues.

Her words and behaviour will speak her personality to the other people in your lives, leaving nothing further for you to do.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/12/2024 12:12

My first thought on reading was that she didn't have a miscarriage, most people wouldn't test after accidentally (so not knowing) you were pregnant...at 4 weeks. It seems like she is a compulsive liar

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/12/2024 12:10

It's easy to say ignore etc. But she is slandering you to your family, with some quite serious allegations including violence...who knows who else she is saying things to. What if she gets backed into a corner (someone says why didn't you go to the police when she hit you, and then she feels she has to follow it through?) What if these rumours reach where you work etc?

In case it escalates I wonder if it would be worth getting legal advice? Maybe a solicitors letter to tell her to stop slandering you would help?

At the very least you should make sure you are never ever on your own with her. What if she gets on the floor then shouts to everyone that you've pushed her or something?

I wouldn't worry about her turning your mother in law against you though...it doesn't sound like she believes any of it

EmoIsntDead · 14/12/2024 12:07

CautiousLurker01 · 13/12/2024 23:15

Hate to say this, but I’d be suspicious of the miscarriage claim. I had 5 miscarriages at the 8-12 stage. Never had to have a medical intervention for any of them (D&C etc). The protocol is to let nature do its thing. If it were an ectopic pregnancy she might have needed to go in - but she’d have been in significant pain and very sick, so she’d not have been ‘dropped off’.

Am sorry, but this seems like ‘single white female’ territory (hopefully you know the film) and I would think she most definitely has a personality disorder. You need DH and MiL to take this more seriously because the chances are DBil is in an abusive relationship and/or at risk.

Show quote history

While this has been your experience you do realise it won’t be the same for everyone? I’ve have multiple miscarriages and have had hospital intervention with some. I’ve had medical intervention (tablets to help pass retained tissue) and have been ‘dropped off’ at a day hospital clinic for a d&c which is considered surgical intervention.

Please don’t discount other people’s’ experiences just because they’re not the same as yours.

jeaux90 · 14/12/2024 11:59

She probably went in the hospital and sat in the cafe for 30mins.

Do not let your DC be alone with her ever.

Onlycoffee · 14/12/2024 11:58

I think you need to keep a record/diary or her behaviour towards you.

Her weird diary of lies is enough in itself to want to stay away from her, let alone everything else!

This is actually disturbing and without wanting to alarm you I would seriously not let her know when you've had your baby and try to avoid seeing her altogether.

Get your DH to tell your mil you are concerned about her obsession and stalker behaviour and do not want to see her, do not want her knowing when the baby is born.

Freezingandamatch · 14/12/2024 11:54

She sounds unwell.
I would be worried if I were Harry. He’s surely noticed something, perhaps he’s in denial. I’d keep my distance as much as possible OP.

I do think going shopping for baby clothes was insensitive, though I appreciate it wasn’t your idea. It would have been better to try and postpone that shopping trip imho.

Londongirl8922 · 14/12/2024 11:52

Oh wow she sounds so unstable...tbh you don't actually have to have anything to do with her c you don't have to be in anyone's life if they are bringing in some sort of negative inpact, I certainly wouldn't want my child near her alone at any point...please avoid her at all cost but let your BIL know your feelings ect I'm sure he will totally understand..wow she sounds like a right psycho

Travelodge · 14/12/2024 11:46

Username98337 · 13/12/2024 22:04

Harry’s been quiet about it. He’s always been close with my husband and I know that they don’t want their relationship with one another tarnished. He does believe most of what she says though, which my husband and MIL do find terrifying. They seem afraid of upsetting him by outing Daisy and pushing him further into her arms so are doing their best to stay mutual. It’s a very much walking on eggshells type of situation

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But they, especially your DH, should not be staying neutral. That would imply that it’s an argument and there are faults, or at least reasonable points of view, on both sides, whereas from what you’ve said it is completely one-sided.

I would want my DH to tell his brother exactly how things really stand, for the brother's sake as well as yours. I wonder if he knows about the diary with invented incidents, for instance. He must see that she ignores your baby, and must know, surely, that she lied about things like the house and where she comes from. Perhaps he needs support to free himself from her.

Psychologymam · 14/12/2024 11:42

This is really concerning and Daisy needs professional help but honestly that’s not your issue right now - your concern is your child and your own well-being. I would avoid as I wouldn’t trust her not to do bigger damage -safest thing for you is not to be around her. Maybe your brother could check in on Harry to see if he needs support separately.

Incompleteshock · 14/12/2024 11:32

I have a SIL like this. I often describe her as someone who genuinely believes we do everything we do with her in mind if that makes sense? very sensitive to things that aren’t about her and it just makes it really awkward. We just avoid her as much as possible to be honest. Pass pleasantries and move on.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/12/2024 11:16

I wouldn't be surprized if she's abusive to your BIL but men can be really bad at seeing it. If you make Harry choose, you and his DB could end up cut off by him, which is what she wants.
Would Harry listen to his Mum if she told him some home truths about Daisy?

PaterPower · 14/12/2024 09:09

Harry needs to open his eyes, because Daisy is going to (continue to) be a perpetual irritant in his relationship with his wider family.

I had a friend, back in my late teens, who was always making shit up. Stories would change, details would be different from one week to the next etc. And it was almost everything - from what car his Dad drove to what subjects he’d done at school. It got to the point where, if he had told me he had cancer, I wouldn’t have believed him without seeing his medical records first hand.

It must be a weirdly stressful life to live. All very Walter Mitty.

99OrangeBalloons · 14/12/2024 08:57

I would tell DH & MIL that in light of how she treats your child, and that she's making allegations about your behaviour, you aren't willing to see her moving forward as it's unsafe for you and unfair for your child. I genuinely cant see any other option where you aren't just being thrown under the bus to avoid upsetting Harry!

WhatNoRaisins · 14/12/2024 07:50

I'd be protecting myself. Do some grey rock, make yourself as uninteresting to her as possible and don't tell her any information about yourself or your child that you don't have to. Avoid being alone with her etc. I get wanting to confront her but I doubt it would work.

Newname85 · 14/12/2024 07:46

She sounds unwell, can someone put all this together for Harry to see the picture?

CautiousLurker01 · 14/12/2024 07:41

curious79 · 14/12/2024 07:30

I had 3 at this stage. All removed surgically.
still my first thought was this is a lie
She’s batshit crazy - keep at a huge distance but keep loving Harry

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Am so sorry for your losses 🫂. Clearly I received a different standard of care for mine :(

Not sure ‘batshit’ actually covers this SIL!

EmsSummer · 14/12/2024 07:35

curious79 · 14/12/2024 07:30

I had 3 at this stage. All removed surgically.
still my first thought was this is a lie
She’s batshit crazy - keep at a huge distance but keep loving Harry

Show quote history

My god…another thing my Ex SIL did. Honestly. If I read the list out, no one would believe me. She would go to any lengths and trample anyone to be the centre of attention. I’m sure she had munchausens (and by proxy with my nieces health) It was an abusive relationship. Financial and coercive. My B just wanted a quiet life

curious79 · 14/12/2024 07:30

CautiousLurker01 · 13/12/2024 23:15

Hate to say this, but I’d be suspicious of the miscarriage claim. I had 5 miscarriages at the 8-12 stage. Never had to have a medical intervention for any of them (D&C etc). The protocol is to let nature do its thing. If it were an ectopic pregnancy she might have needed to go in - but she’d have been in significant pain and very sick, so she’d not have been ‘dropped off’.

Am sorry, but this seems like ‘single white female’ territory (hopefully you know the film) and I would think she most definitely has a personality disorder. You need DH and MiL to take this more seriously because the chances are DBil is in an abusive relationship and/or at risk.

Show quote history

I had 3 at this stage. All removed surgically.
still my first thought was this is a lie
She’s batshit crazy - keep at a huge distance but keep loving Harry

EmsSummer · 14/12/2024 07:23

EmsSummer · 14/12/2024 07:20

On my way out atm so couldn’t read it all. Just to say this sounds exactly like my experience of ex SIL. Malignant narcissist. Always at the back of anything happening. Never announcing anything with my lovely brother there. I only regret not telling him to run for the hills. He passed away two years ago. They’d separated but it was horrible. You cannot win with her. He cannot win with her. The only thing to do is ignore. Which is soooooo effin hard

As an example both times whilst they were living with my parents, then in a caravan she announced she was pregnant when I was. Then when my other brother announced he was getting married, she announced they were and date set for 2 months after because her grandad was dying (he wasn’t, and ten years later he’s still here).

There are no words for how strongly I feel about her. And certainly none I can use on here, but, if it wasn’t for the dates I would’ve thought you were talking about her and she was still playing the same games. she is with someone else now, and he seems to be the only stability the children have. If it was t got that I’d be writing to him, telling him to run because she’ll ruin his f’ing life. She’d love that though. I hope one day I get my say

Should also add that she was obsessed with the dates and how long we’d all been together and did the same thing with comparing weddings, babies etc. we’d all got together within a year of each other but sged often change the dates for her convenience thinking we’d give a sht. I’ve got an Arya stark style grudge list on my phone of all the shitty things she did. It’s unbelievable

EmsSummer · 14/12/2024 07:20

On my way out atm so couldn’t read it all. Just to say this sounds exactly like my experience of ex SIL. Malignant narcissist. Always at the back of anything happening. Never announcing anything with my lovely brother there. I only regret not telling him to run for the hills. He passed away two years ago. They’d separated but it was horrible. You cannot win with her. He cannot win with her. The only thing to do is ignore. Which is soooooo effin hard

As an example both times whilst they were living with my parents, then in a caravan she announced she was pregnant when I was. Then when my other brother announced he was getting married, she announced they were and date set for 2 months after because her grandad was dying (he wasn’t, and ten years later he’s still here).

There are no words for how strongly I feel about her. And certainly none I can use on here, but, if it wasn’t for the dates I would’ve thought you were talking about her and she was still playing the same games. she is with someone else now, and he seems to be the only stability the children have. If it was t got that I’d be writing to him, telling him to run because she’ll ruin his f’ing life. She’d love that though. I hope one day I get my say

Tired88p85 · 14/12/2024 01:43

She's dangerous. stay away from her completely. No more lunches with MIL if her and BIL are coming. I would avoid all intimate family gatherings if she's there. I would block her on WhatsApp and all other messaging apps now so that she cannot contact you.

ChampagneLassie · 14/12/2024 01:30

Surely your DH talks to Harry and asks WTF? She sounds crazy, if she’s making up this nonsense about you what other stuff is she up to. Harry should be helped to get away from her. In your case I’d go NC with her and be clear to other family members why. Sounds like MIL is completely aware of her now.