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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner didn't text?

90 replies

emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:29

AIBU to be upset my partner didn't text to check up on our sick child?

We don't live together atm, but have a child under 1 together. This is because we split up but have been back together a few months and all going well we will move back in together but didn't want to rush this step.

A few days ago our child came down with sickness, they've just started nursery and picking up all the illnesses. I was home alone at my house dealing with all this, sick on dc, sick on me, sick in the bed.

Naturally very worried about them as still little and not had a sickness bug before.

Shortly after dc first came down with this, partner has text asking how little one is so I tell him what's going on.

I then don't hear from him for 25 hrs (I know this is very precise and yes I was counting!).

I didn't try and contact him in this time but I was quietly confused and upset why he didn't check on dc or check if there was anything he could do to help, if we needed anything?

He just responded after all that time saying "sorry for the slow reply, was out for an meal last night and slept in the morning. Is DC any better? How are you? Xx".

When I asked him why he hasn't check in on his ill child for 25 hrs he's called me a psychopath basically, that I'm showing myself for who I truly am, it's become "clear", the "counting the hours" says it all about me, I'm manipulative, controlling.

Was IBU to find it bad he just didn't text?

OP posts:
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Starlight7080 · 22/12/2024 18:03

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the father to want to check in and see how his child is .
What's a 2 min phone call or odd txt when he has time to go out for a meal .
Him turning it around on you is just manipulation to make himself seem less shit

CovertPiggery · 22/12/2024 17:35

emiwrong · 14/12/2024 17:41

I'm really confused after some of the responses here just confirm that I am the head case he says I am.

Honestly, there are people on here who get a kick out of disagreeing with OPs. Please don't take them personally.

You could post on her that water is wet and you'd get at least one person saying you're an idiot, psycho etc etc.

Inmydreams88 · 22/12/2024 17:30

If our child is sick and my husband is working in the office he will text me asking how he is, usually a few times in a 12 hour period.

ToomanyMilesAway · 22/12/2024 17:26

Ah ok I read further. Tbh you need to just ditch this guy. He doesn't want to live in the family situation you desire so just get an application in for child support from him and stop hoping that he is going to change his mind. This is toxic for you. You should never be someone's option which you are currently.

ToomanyMilesAway · 22/12/2024 17:20

emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:46

Yes our child lives with me full time, he drops in and out when suits. He travels a lot for work so I guess I let him get away with this.

I didn't text because well I'd sent a text to him asking how dc is and telling him. He didn't respond, I didn't actually know he was even going out that evening. But as time went on I did think he must have gone out and didn't want to text and be accused of being an arsehole.

Why would you know about what he does in his own time if you are not together though?

CandyLeBonBon · 22/12/2024 15:11

emiwrong · 22/12/2024 11:05

Well a bit of an update.

When I tried to speak to him about how I felt surrounding this and the way he reacted and spoke to me- he basically said "it was your choice to have the baby, so it's unfair to expect any help from me. You knew what you were getting into".

The backstory I guess is that he didn't want me to have our child, that's why we originally broke up.

I'm not sure why he says he wants to be in a relationship with me now, and be part of our child's life if this is his attitude.

He told me it had all changed and he made a massive mistake saying those things when I was pregnant, that he loves me and his child and wants to be with us. It's all a complete mind f*ck.

My exh said similar to me op. Sorry but I think it's time to walk away for good.

TheCatterall · 22/12/2024 11:44

You have to do what’s best for you and your child. Him flip flopping around on his decision is not what’s best. He’s shown he will be unreliable.

as they say - when someone shows their true colours - believe them.

Go forward with your life and get boundaries on how he is included in it if at all. I’d be interested to know what effort he makes with your child if he knows you want to separate.

Original poster
emiwrong · 22/12/2024 11:05

Well a bit of an update.

When I tried to speak to him about how I felt surrounding this and the way he reacted and spoke to me- he basically said "it was your choice to have the baby, so it's unfair to expect any help from me. You knew what you were getting into".

The backstory I guess is that he didn't want me to have our child, that's why we originally broke up.

I'm not sure why he says he wants to be in a relationship with me now, and be part of our child's life if this is his attitude.

He told me it had all changed and he made a massive mistake saying those things when I was pregnant, that he loves me and his child and wants to be with us. It's all a complete mind f*ck.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 14/12/2024 20:29

God he sounds awful. Get rid

Thedandyanddude · 14/12/2024 19:48

Hes a shit dad and left you to deal with an unwell child on your own and wasn't even bothered to reply in a timely manner. Hald he had a nice meal and lay in though 👌

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 19:46

The initial responses implying you were hard work were based on the initial premise only, that you didn't contact him and assumed he was away for an actual reason.

Every single person who has responded after your follow up messages in particular the chilling text exchange have told you that he is awful. You are not in a relationship and he's not a parent.

Sort child maintenance and sort a contact schedule and don't ever think about having a relationship with him again

RampantIvy · 14/12/2024 18:05

emiwrong · 14/12/2024 17:41

I'm really confused after some of the responses here just confirm that I am the head case he says I am.

No, the responses on here are telling you that he is a gaslighting arsehole who is using you for the occasional booty call. He makes you feel like you are in the wrong, but he is the wrong 'un here.

This is not a relationship. He clearly doesn't care about either of you. You need to get CMS sorted out andaccess arrangements for him to see his child (if is that bothered about it) then end it for good.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 17:52

I don't think you should get back with him. He's clearly trying to get out of being a parent, and thinks if he strings you along he can still act single while you do all childcare and clean the house and cook for him etc. he's a fucking loser.

NameChanges123 · 14/12/2024 17:49

Yeah, I'd be pretty upset too.

It doesn't seem to be a good sign for the future. Men are held to a different (much lower) standard, though. Can't imagine a mum being totally disinterested in their child's illness in favour of a meal and a lie-in!

Original poster
emiwrong · 14/12/2024 17:41

I'm really confused after some of the responses here just confirm that I am the head case he says I am.

OP posts:
MaltipooMama · 14/12/2024 16:11

Thedishwasherbroke · 13/12/2024 21:37

So your partner and father of your child, on hearing your joint child had a sick bug, thought he’d reply a day later telling you he’d been out for dinner and had a lie in? Very tactful and supportive.

Oh god 100% this!!

Loadsapandas · 14/12/2024 15:59

He’s awful.

He doesn’t care about either of you.

I’d expect him to check in out of concern as to how ill child is and not be an after thought 25 hrs later.

Sounds like he got defensive as people are want to when a mirror is held up to them.

Original poster
emiwrong · 14/12/2024 14:58

To be fair he does cook, and he pays half of our dc nursery and other things they need so contributes in that way.

But I think his idea of a good relationship is me just being here and never having any needs, never asking anything of him.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/12/2024 14:00

God this pathetic excuse for a partner and father has really got a good thing going on here.

I assume he comes over as and when he pleases, pays you the bare minimum and probably gets fed (and has sex) on tap? He doesn't have to actually do anything? He doesn't do chores or take the child out ?

You need to officially split up and get him to pay his way and pull his weight.

ChristmasinBrighton · 14/12/2024 13:51

He’s a selfish immature prick.

Please don’t get back with him, he will destroy your self esteem.

Tell him it’s over, and contact CMS re proper maintenance. He can have contact with baby (if he’s bothered) but not in your home.

SummerVibes03 · 14/12/2024 13:45

OP, his text messages are shocking. It is psychologically abusive the way he speak to you. He denies that he has done anything wrong, attacks you and turns himself into a victim. Does not take any responsibility. Please look up DARVO.

kitren · 14/12/2024 12:52

Personally I think your bar is way too low and this man will always let you down. Why would you want to be with someone who calls you those names. Raise the bar, get rid of him and move on.

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 12:18

@emiwrong

Hope that you, and your child are OK today.

Please don't dwell on this instance but think about what you are going to do going forward.

Put in place a proper contact arrangement and apply for child maintenance

Original poster
emiwrong · 14/12/2024 10:30

Yea @Lurkingandlearning I was very tired and read it wrong

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 14/12/2024 10:19

emiwrong · 13/12/2024 21:38

It wasn't even the same day, it was the next day.

Show quote history

She said “a day later”. That means the next day